I’m finding life hard after abusive marriage, it’s not what I thought, it’s so hard.

[Snappyfish1]

I thought my life would be easier but it’s 10x harder. I’ve got no money, no social life, a house and bills to pay. A child to look after 24/7, no father in sight, no family support.
I’ve cried today on an off because my child is off school sick and I’ve taken the day of work so lost that pay and I need that pay desperately.

I’m tired, and cranky all the time, I thought my life would be better.

This is hard.

You're having to adjust to an entirely new way of life (whilst likely still suffering from the years of abuse), of course its hard.

Are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to? If you are on a lie income, you may be due some extra money. Also, house wise, can you afford to downsize or move to a cheaper area?

You'll get there op, step by step. Life is never easy. But at least this one is yours again.

*low income

Hi, OP

Things ARE better and will get easier.

Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to

• universal credit- low income

• child benefit.

• depending on child's age you are entitled to 15hrs free childcare more for certain benefits.

• single person council tax reduction

• shop around for electric and gas providers and the best deals.

• if you have a car have you considered speaking with insurers about negotiating your insurance to get a good deal.

Hey
I created my username in January 2020 when I split with my ex
I totally hear you !!!!
It gets better
I did however have to go on anti depressants and I’ve attended a shit load of support groups

The one thing I will say is self care
You have to look after yourself first
As everything stems from you
I wish I learnt that earlier

Start with gp, and possible mental health support
Explain to work your situation , are they understanding
Make friends with other single parents
Build networks

You can do this but it’s hard hard hard
I’m happy now but it took almost two years !

It sounds hard, no wonder you're stressed. But it will get better! You've done an amazing thing for you and your child.

I did similar 2 years ago and it was hell to begin with, but me and my kids are so happy now.

You will get there.

Xxx

Um I claim universal credit at the moment and reduced council tax. I was awarded the family home but had to take out a small mortgage. It’s only about £250 a month but I’m wondering if I should sell. I would have enough then to own outright something smaller. I have a disability and working is literally killing me. But I’m not “disabled” enough to claim the allowance. If I carry on pushing myself then I probably will and that’s what I’m scared about.

Also if he stops paying the child maintenance I will be in trouble and it’s highly likely he will as doesn’t see the child.

Absolutely yes to selling the home and buying something smaller to make your life easier. It will be a new start too and will lift your mood. House prices have risen recently so you may be surprised by the value.

This sounds tough, so sorry to hear you are struggling. Could you think of a way to get extra income so that you could reduce your work hours? Perhaps rent a room out to a nice female lodger? (That's if it was more financially beneficial to you than the reduced council tax.)

Well done OP, you have already identified something that you can do. Downsizing your house will also mean less cleaning! Sell whatever you don’t need on eBay, that’ll bring a bit of cash in too. You can do this. X

Personally I'd try and keep the home for now at least. If you have a spare room I agree with a pp, look into getting a female lodger.

It will get easier. Do you have friends to keep you company in the evenings sometimes?

I do have a spare room but I would worry sharing with my young child.

I’ve sold a lot already to refurbish it as he took all the contents.

I don’t want to sell it really as it’s a family house but I understand my health is more important.

I promise you it WILL get easier.
I remember someone writing this here just when I needed to hear it and so I will write it for you now

Divorce is like driving down the motorway with your husband and children , perhaps driving to a holiday together when suddenly he pulls up on the hard shoulder and turfs you and the children and a bag of belongings on the side of the road and drives off.
You stand there scared and alone, thinking this isn’t where I was heading, you are confused and frightened.

You are in the confused and frightened stage. It will pass but it took me two full years to recover and now I am living a much fuller life than I ever would of done in my marriage.
Take this time to look after yourself and adjust and do not expect too much of yourself .

It’s been two years already but 2 years of fighting. For the house for the divorce and child and all the horrible things he did. I’m kind of tired of fighting.

Selling could be a good move forward, as not only will it be a good move financially, but psychologically as well. New life, new home. Or have you considered an interest only mortgage? You pay about 50% of what you would normally. Ok, so you never actually end up mortgage free, but so what?

Sending you a hug Snappy ! It is very hard indeed , things will improve slowly , please be kind to yourself , do you have any friends or family that could support you with a little you time ?
I agree self care is everything

Also if he stops paying the child maintenance I will be in trouble and it’s highly likely he will as doesn’t see the child.

He isn't allowed to stop paying maintenance simply because he doesn't see the child. In fact, the amount of maintenance due goes UP the less he sees the child (for example, a NRP who has the child for one night per week pays more in child maintenance than a NRP who has the child for two nights per week).

Is he employed? If so, CMS can just take his child maintenance payments directly from his salary. You may have more difficulty if he is self employed. How are payments taken currently, do you have a formal or an informal agreement?

It’s been two years already but 2 years of fighting. For the house for the divorce and child and all the horrible things he did. I’m kind of tired of fighting.

It sounds like you've got through the "crisis stage" of the divorce and now that things are settling down a bit your brain is allowing itself to relax and start to process everything you've been through. This is a very common response in the calm period after a trauma phase - just when you think it'll start to get better it feels like it's getting worse because your psyche starts to allow you to realise what has happened. It will pass but I agree that going to the GP for some support getting through this stage is a good idea. In the more medium/long term selling the house and downsizing sounds like it would have lots of benefits for you and your child - less stress, better finances, a smaller home to maintain etc. Your child will still know a smaller home as their family home

You need support and self care op
The worst part is over but now all the trauma is coming out

I think it’s the enormity of everything I did whilst numb that is hitting me and just how alone and isolated I became. I don’t really have anyone.

@Snappyfish1

Um I claim universal credit at the moment and reduced council tax. I was awarded the family home but had to take out a small mortgage. It’s only about £250 a month but I’m wondering if I should sell. I would have enough then to own outright something smaller. I have a disability and working is literally killing me. But I’m not “disabled” enough to claim the allowance. If I carry on pushing myself then I probably will and that’s what I’m scared about.

Also if he stops paying the child maintenance I will be in trouble and it’s highly likely he will as doesn’t see the child.

When I left my husband, I bought a very small house outright in a cheaper part of the country. I have a disabilty and full time work would have killed me too. So, yes, I think selling and buying somewhere mortgage free will help immensely.

Just about every day I'm grateful in one way or another that I don't have a mortgage. The pressure and stress that would have put on me I think would have finished me off after all the stress and trauma of my marriage, leaving it, and sorting everything out afterwards. So immense kudos to you for getting this far!

Your health is everything O. P. Do see your G. P and explain how you are feeling. I agree with pp's it's the reality of the trauma surfacing after the numb stage, until then you tend to exist on auto pilot. Perhaps some counselling to help you process your feelings would be beneficial? How old is your little one? A short term lodger might at least allow you to work less whilst you made a plan for your future.

Give yourself a chance. How you feel on a particularly bad day (sick child, lost pay as a result) is not how you will feel long term.

Make some decisions that will make life easier for you. I'd definitely sell the house and buy a smaller place somewhere safe but cheaper, to free up some money.

Can you get in touch with a single parent group locally. If you make friends with a few other single parents you could maybe take turns to do child care or school/nursery runs to keep costs down.

You might also benefit from some sort of group therapy/consciousness raising Freedom programme or similar if it exists in your area. If not, at least sign up for six free online therapy sessions which lots of areas offer via self-referral. No need to see GP first.

I understand.

I have come out of a very abusive relationship with a court case pending for a very violentassult and even though it should be the start of my new life everything seems a bit bleak atm.

Support is a must, I'd deffo deffo deffo recommend you contact your local woman's aid, also join the woman's aid survivor forum lots of like minded people there to so great for support.

It will get better I promise, and even though its so hard you made it out alive ❤

It will get better.
Your dc grow up.
Sell if it gets you easier hpuse eg no stairs

I think if you choose a lodger carefully, it might be really helpful. It's a bit of adult company that pays the bills. If it doesn't work out, they go.

It means you'll always have a source of income. Whereas if you buy a smaller two-bed house, that's no potential income until DC leave home.

Don't rush into anything after all this stress. What are your work colleagues like? Are any of them friendly enough to go for a coffee with?