Has anybody been psychologically abused by their father?

[greenandblue432]

And how did you get over it?

It's a very long story but I will try to make it as short as possible.

My parents separated when I was nearly 3 years old, and the following year my father went abroad with his parents and siblings, met his future wife and stayed there for life. This country was very far away, let's say the distance from the UK to the West Coast in the US.

I only saw my father once between my parents' separation and the age of 10. He was just a huge absence. He didn't help my mother financially, he just left and was leading a fancy free life all those years.

Since around I was 11, he started to support me financially and this lasted until the age of 23, when I finished university. My mother struggled at times and we were nearly homeless when I was a teenager.

Since the age of 23, I have been financially independent from him, and apart from some plane ticket here and there to visit him abroad, he didn't provide any financial help.

Throughout the years, we had some bad fights, especially after the age of 19. I tried to love him and to have a good relationship, but I realise now I was always angry at him. I had a huge chip on my shoulder that he was absent from my life when I needed him.

Even though he supported me financially and took on that responsibility, which is not to be taken lightly, he would make several comments about women who were supported by men and called them "whores". He would bang on how women who didn't make money and were supported by men were prostitutes and that he didn't want that from me. Fair enough, I didn't want that either.

He died two years ago and now I'm thinking more and more about those comments he made. And it's becoming clear to me that they were directed at me too, and that he was treating me as a prostitute because he helped financially.

Once, when I came back from a course of study in the US, he told me literally that I was a prostitute because he paid for me and I didn't pay for the course myself. That really threw me and I was in tears for days.

On many occasions, he would take me shopping to buy clothes, which he always seemed to enjoy, and before or after taking his wallet out, he would say things like "now get your knickers off", as a joke. It annoyed me but I didn't make much of it at the time and I would just forget about it. I thought he was being his usual annoying self, wanting to be funny and irritating at the same time.

It seems to me now that he was playing some kind of male power game with his daughter: helping her financially on one hand and humiliating her psychologically on the other by comparing her with a prostitute.

The examples above are only to describe the level of abuse and how it all "came as a joke" sometimes. He made many comments of this kind over the years. Either to compare me to a prostitute or to tell me that I would never have anything in life. When I got married, instead of congratulating me, he told me "your husband did you a favour by marrying you". I couldn't believe it.

He died two years ago, and since then it is becoming clearer and clearer that he abused me emotionally and I don't know how to get over it.

Do I just have to accept that he was an asshole even though he helped financially and that without his help, I would probably be destitute now?

How do you make peace with the abuser who saved you, even though he was your father?

I don't think you can ever entirely put this sort of thing behind you but you can learn to live with it IFSWIM. No parent is perfect but he sounds very nasty - it probably made him feel good to belittle you which makes him petty - just another bully.

My own dad was a bully and he was too thick to realise how his mind games upset all his children - it was just a game to him. It says something, doesn't it, that only one of his adult children wanted to have anything to do with him as he aged as he'd been nasty to them once too often. He never saw it as his fault either - we were considered weird. Don't blame yourself for his shortcomings OP and try to rise above it. Take a leaf out of his book on how not to behave to others.

Thank you, pretty. What you are saying makes perfect sense. I've learned a lot from him in terms of "what not to do" to other people. And I do need to move on.

It's just so hard to forget the hurtful comments. They just keep coming back.

I never had the guts to cut contact. I knew he led a very lonely life abroad. His close family never spoke to him again. He only had me and his second wife.

It's funny how I feel sorry and angry at him at the same time. A very difficult man.

It might help to look as the comments as a failing of him as a parent. Those comments were unwarranted (possibly stemming from his own guilt) and I feel healing will happen when you are no longer burdened by the thinking they are a reflection of the person you are.

Take care, op

Thank you for your kind words Windmillwhirl

Processing his death has been a traumatic experience for me. Maybe because now I know there is no chance of repairing the relationship.

But it's true, whatever comments he made over the years was a reflection of him and his own internal turmoil. He had a very messed up head but he would never admit it.

It sounds like your father just wasn't cut out to be a parent. The inappropriate comments are a reflection of this, nothing to do with you. Would talking things through with a counsellor help?

You shouldn't have had to put up with him but you survived it.

My Father used to say nasty things to me. I realised recently how much his put downs have held me back. Then I thought fuck off, I'm not going to think I can't do certain things anymore.

Unfortunately people who aren't cut out for parenting do have children.

Thank you, electricboogie . Good points.

I thought about counselling. I started and dropped sessions in the past but then the issue of my dad was not something I had fully thought about, so now I would do it with a different approach. The problem is that counselling is so expensive and I have so many other financial commitments at the moment. But it's something I will definitely need to do at some point.

It seems like you found a healthy way to deal with your dad's comments. In my head I do get angry at him and tell him to fuck off, but my feelings are so deep and I can't get rid of this profound sense of sadness and loss when I think about his words. It's funny how his death brought all these feelings to the foreground.

I think sometimes we don't realise how dysfunctional situations are until they stop.

If your mental health is being affected you may be able to get free counselling from Mind. You can always ring the Samaritans as well if you are finding things really tough.

I hope things improve for you

Sometimes what people say is a reflection of who they are and not about you. It says more about them than you. You have recognized that it was not a respectful or healthy relationship; it’s not on you but sadly speaks volumes to who he was. And while you describe his actions as saving you, it was at a cost which you are paying today. Accept he was human and not always a loving parent. It’s not your fault

Thank you both for your kind comments.

Yes, the relationship always felt dysfunctional and I thought I could live with it. It's hit me so hard after his death. I've analysed so much of it and how it hurt me and diminished me over the years.

It's true that it's a reflection of who he was. I just wished he had been different. I just wish I had a different father, and I'm not proud of those feelings.

I feel like I let him treat me like that because I owed him something, because of the financial help he gave me. It's a terrible feeling. A part of me does feel like a prostitute who put up with so much dysfunctionality and abuse for money in return. It's like in a way his predicament came true.

I carry so much shame for not having a "normal father", and I can't seem to get rid of it.

Your comments have helped me a lot. Thank you

How do you make peace with the abuser who saved you, even though he was your father

You realise that if this issue wasn't happening in between your ears, it wouldn't exist. Any trauma from this that you are now suffering is entirely your responsibility. Which is horribly uncomfortable, but it will stop you feeling like a victim of him (which you were, but aren't now), and ultimately, help you to realise that you are in charge here.

You don't have to pull apart the past. His behaviour doesn't have to make sense to you. Your responses to his behaviour don't need to be explained or justified. Nothing is happening to you today, with regard to abuse from your father. Nothing will happen tomorrow. Nothing will happen next week or year. Everything is done.

Thank you, TheFoundations

"You don't have to pull apart the past. His behaviour doesn't have to make sense to you. Your responses to his behaviour don't need to be explained or justified. Nothing is happening to you today, with regard to abuse from your father. Nothing will happen tomorrow. Nothing will happen next week or year. Everything is done."

It's so true that I'm in a safe place right now and I thought I was doing really well putting it all behind. It's just that some days, especially in the mornings, it hits me like a brick. It's such a deep feeling, at a gut, instinct level, which I find so hard to control or get rid of with my mind or my thoughts.

But thinking about you say it's definitely a big step to move forward, which I badly, badly need to.

Hi OP, when I read what you're writing it sounds to me a little bit like you are trying to 'shelve it', kind of box it away somehow and then you can continue to live your life without this annoying stuff that is getting you down. But in my experience that's not how it works. These are your feelings and your memories, they are rearing up because they are asking to be seen and heard, most likely because you weren't seen and heard in the way you needed to be as a child. Your experience of therapy is interesting as that sort of sounds like a similar approach, as though it's something you can put to one side as it's not that essential. But the impact that this relationship had on you has shaped you as a person. The feelings you have every morning are valid. I don't think you have quite separated who you are from who he was. I think if you spent some time in therapy to try and process it all a little and give validity to your feelings you might start to feel less need to 'put it all behind'. So for me, I believe you do need to take responsibility back for yourself and that may involve opening yourself up to these very difficult feelings that are emerging.

"These are your feelings and your memories, they are rearing up because they are asking to be seen and heard, most likely because you weren't seen and heard in the way you needed to be as a child."

Thank you for saying this, coffee. That's exactly how I've felt all my life about my parents, not just my dad.

They had an acrimonious divorce and all my life I heard them, separately, talk badly about the other and telling me of their victimhood and how awful the other one was. My father left a long letter for me to be read after he died, and it was all about HIM and what a poor guy he was and what an awful person my mother was. That was his legacy to me. More of the same, just in written form and with more detail added to it.

I never heard them acknowledge how difficult it must have been for me or even saying a humble sorry for what, unintentionally, they put me through.

I think this situation plus the underlying humiliation from my father in terms of money placed me in a very vulnerable position. I don't want to play the victim as they did, but I have a huge "claim" towards them, no matter if they are dead or alive.

And yes, I think these are all things that I need to explore in therapy. It's just that it's so costly and heavy going mentally as I go deeper into my own issues, I don't think I can face it right now.

But you're right that I need to have my feelings and thoughts validated at some point before I can fully move forward.

Thanks for your wisdom.

Listening to your gut is very important. What does it tell you, when it knocks you flat? Can you put the feeling into words? It'll help you to find a route to closure, if you can.

It's such a deep feeling, at a gut, instinct level, which I find so hard to control or get rid of with my mind or my thoughts

Doing this is the reason that people allow themselves to be abused. It's not a good or healthy thing to try to do. You hear it so often, usually with a precursor of something like 'I know I'm just being silly, but it really hurts when (s)he does this...', and then there's a whole string of ideas about what we should feel, and whether the way we're being treated is normal.

The thing to do, when you have gut feelings is to formulate them into something that you can understand. Try to hear their voice, and grasp what it's telling you. I found it helped to write things down; raw feelings, unformulated, messy, for nobody to see but me. Unjudged feelings.

So, when you listen to your gut now, and work out what it's telling you, work out how to soothe it, now, today. Abuse taps into something inside us that agrees with it. Work out what part of you is abusing you, because that's how the damage is continuing into now.

Again, you don't have to do anything about the past. There's a distinction between putting the past behind you (ie dismissing it) and dealing with the effects that you have now, today, as you have them.

You can relate it to food poisoning: If you ate bad prawns last night, you don't have to understand the exact processes by which they have poisoned you. You just have to do as much as you can now to make yourself as well as you can be, as quickly as you can be. You can't 'put the prawns behind you', you can't 'deal with what they did to you', you can't feel sad for the prawns that they had become poison. It all just is what it is, and you feel poorly. You can neither dismiss that you feel awful. You need to do things to soothe you, and you need to do them now, and consistently, until you start to feel better.

And you can't blame yourself. It's not your body's fault that it was perfectly healthy, came across a toxin, and things got ugly. It's the natural response to a toxin, regardless of how well you were to start with.

Thank you TheFoundations. And yes, you're so right, the gut is our second brain and we shouldn't ignore it.

I think what my gut tells me is that my father humiliated me and my mother somehow emotionally neglected me. My gut has a huge "claim" towards them but I know I will not get compensation from them.

The comparison you made with food poisoning is brilliant. That's what it feels like with families. I feel my parents' toxic relationship and my father toxic personality poisoned me and now I need to deal with the symptoms all by myself. I'm nearly 50 years old and the toxins are still lurking in my body and mind.

I hear you on the cost of therapy, it is a lot, but if there is any way you can find to access it you sound like you are ready to 'dive in'. I think @TheFoundations is giving you some amazing advice, which is really resonating with me as well, I love the description you gave of that stomach feeling and abuse, holy shit! I have struggled to, I guess 'find' that abusive voice on my own and that's why I have needed someone to do this work with, but that's not to say you can't do it on your own. In the meantime, if you like reading and can handle something that will be both validating and a very challenging read, I would recommend 'The Body Never Lies' by Alice Miller. You sound so articulate about your childhood experiences and Alice Miller doesn't hold any punches about the damage of abuse in childhood.
Other than that, I completely hear what you're saying @greenandblue432 about not wanting to be a victim but also feeling that there is a valid 'claim' against them. Both these thoughts are valid. You were a victim of them as a child and as and adult now you can hold them responsible for their failures as parents AND reparent yourself as the loving adult that you needed. Good luck, you sound like you are on the path.

So, to continue with the prawn analogy, you need to adjust this:

I think what my gut tells me is that my father humiliated me and my mother somehow emotionally neglected me. My gut has a huge "claim" towards them but I know I will not get compensation from them

You think that your gut is telling you facts about what happened, but it's not. That's like, when you've got food poisoning, saying that your gut is telling you that you have food poisoning; it is, but how is it doing that? It's actually saying 'Get me to the toilet RIGHT NOW', or 'Oh god, I'm gonna hurl!' or 'Lie down, or else I will collapse you!'

Your brain is answering the questions that are being asked of your gut, and it's trying to answer them in a way that makes sense. The questions are more about the physical feeling. If you can deduce 'It feels heavy' or 'It churns' or 'It flutters' or 'It makes my heart pound', that can be a good route to working it out. Because then, you can think about other things in your current life that give you that feeling. And then, for example, if 'It flutters', and the only things you can think of when else it fluttered are your driving test, and when you had to do some public speaking, you can narrow it down to 'Nervousness', and then you can deal with it.

Identify the feeling, because that's what you have now. That's what you want to change, and that's what you have the power to change. You don't have the power to change humiliation or neglect that happened years ago. That will always be there. It's the current triggering that's the problem.

@coffeeisthebest I'll definitely look into that book. I have read other books by Alice Miller, such as The Drama of the Gifted Child, and Banished Knowledge. She's written a lot about childhood trauma and parental abuse and neglect, and the effects later in life. I''ll surely put that one on my list.

@TheFoundations thanks for the advice. What you mentioned about the "texture of the feeling" has really stuck with me. I never looked at it that way. In fact, the more I try to describe how it actually feels, the harder it is to put into words.

It feels like a huge emptiness and heaviness in my chest at times, mixed with a deep and sharp sadness and fear. I'll keep trying to "find the texture" of the feeling, as I can see now that I can then deal with that when it happens, and try to find ways to soothe myself.

Never thought that posting on an anonymous forum could bring about such jewels of wisdom and comfort Thank you!