The need for different amounts of time spent together

[PumpkinSpicedLatte]

Not sure if I’m going to be wording this correctly, but I hope it makes sense. Just wondered if anyone else has dealt with this?

i have been seeing a lovely man for coming up to 3 months this month. I have been married, and have a 12 month old. He has a 9 year old. We both have our children the majority of the time. Things are going very well, both have strong feelings and are very similar but have different interests too.

But our main problem is that he wants to spend more time with me than I do with him. Now I don’t mean I don’t want to spend time with him, but he definitely wants/needs company more than me. We see each other once a week on average due to work and childcare and general life (I haven’t met his child and he’s only briefly seen my little one before bed time), he’s spent the night just the once but with me going through divorce and ongoing PND, he’s more keen to spend the night than I am. I’m not sure why I feel this way, I know I was the same with my ex husband but I can’t remember the dating phase with him as we were teens and had no children so it was different. I absolutely adore him but I do have a much busier life than him and less free time, as well as a stronger need for alone time. He’s so understanding of this so it makes it even harder because I feel bad?I feel guilty for when I am available and not seeing him but with a one year old, work, and appointments, the time I do have is time I’m a bit selfish with i guess. If he could be would spend every day with me, which is so lovely and I feel so nasty. I do want a relationship, otherwise I wouldn’t have carried on. But it’s eating me up. I’ve never met anyone else who’s like me with this so I have nobody to talk to.
Does this get better? I’d really like the problem to go away as I feel like a horrible person. The shifts he does at work make free time difficult anyway so it’s not all down to me not wanting it. But I’m going through a mental health crisis so I find it hard to express these feelings.
Sorry for the ramble. I guess I’m hoping someone will say they’ve felt this way before and that it was okay.

It all sounds too much too soon, IMO - you have a tiny baby, are going through a divorce and have PND. Doesn’t seem like a great time to be getting into a new relationship, especially when you seem to want different things…

@piglet81 I like him so much and he really likes me so I don’t think I can bare to even say I feel like it’s getting too much. I don’t want to hurt him, he’s so good to me. But I’ve had two suicide attempts in two months and I’m spiralling. Not sure what to do. Never met a man as good as him before

This may be a bit simplistic but I’m not sure there is a problem here. You see each other once a week, he would like more ideally but he is understanding that you don’t want more right now. Don’t feel guilty - if he says he understands, and isn’t giving you a hard time about it, believe him.

If he IS giving you a hard time or guilt tripping you about it then that is a problem.

@minipie he’s very understanding and not giving me why trouble at all. I think I just find it hard to believe there are very decent guys out there. Thank you for making me feel more normal x

Any trouble at all*

Good, that’s great he is genuinely understanding about it. Don’t feel guilty - it’s natural you are busier and need more alone time with a one year old and PND. Sounds like he gets it.

It dies sound like this might al be abit much too soon for you but as long as he understands that once a week is all you manage right now for whatever reason/s then that's the main thing.

I have been with my bf for 2 years and he would see me every day if he could and probably live with me but I have two kids and a job and a house and need my space to be able to focus on these things (am also going through a divorce).

We compromised from the every other weekend/once in the week contact when he lived an hour away by him moving closer to me and now we see each other most days but for less time, which seems to be working well. This is 2 years in though and you have only been together a short while so don't feel pushed into more than you are comfortable with.

Your baby was only 9mths old when you started seeing him, you have PND and suicidal thoughts and going through/gone through a divorce. Personally, I think it's too soon for a new relationship and any pressure whether real or not, is not good for you right now. It could take months/years before you can give yourself fully to a new relationship. Do you feel you could sit down and explain that to him?