WTF is going on with my husband?

[HooplaTrapeze]

We have DD (6) and DD (3 months) and generally have a happy relationship- DH can be prone to bouts of depression and drinking to excess, but this doesn't occur too often and we usually have some advance warning of his change of mood.

We argued about DDs first immunisations, DH doesn't believe in them, I do. (DD went to the appointment and had her jabs)

The week after the jabs DH was moody and looked to be wanting to pick a fight, he then visited his father (difficult relationship there) and had a fall out with him.

This "triggered" a weekend where he did not speak to me, he wasn't rude as such, dealt with the kids as normal, cooked etc, just had nothing to say to me. When asked he said he felt very gray and blank and had nothing to contribute.

He appeared to come round from his depressive episode on Monday, he apologised, and after a relatively normal evening he initiated sex.

I have to admit, it wasn't fabulous sex, and he didn't come, immediately as sex was over he appeared to snap back into a gloom.

Last night he again initiated sex- I reached climax, and he then took my hand so I could help him finish, I then thought I could hear DS moving around and asked him to wait a minute.

He got up, said "it's been lovely sharing your experience" and stomped off to have a cigarette.
He's pissed off that I orgasmed and he didn't, essentially, and pissed off that I wanted to stop to listen out for a child rather than continue.

He then tried to pick a fight, telling me how selfish I am, and that everything is all about me. He then refused to sleep in our bed, saying he feels "almost violated" I wasn't willing to fight and told him I'm not having him shout things up the stairs at me every time he thinks of "and another thing" and that we can talk tomorrow (now today)

This morning he took Dd as 6am-ish and then brought me a coffee before going to work.....

What the actual fuck?? I'm not expecting any massively enlightening comments as there is probably a hell of a lot of background and relevant information that you would need, but I confused and upset by his behaviour. Does he have PND on top of his normal depressive episodes? Or is he just a massive twat.

I guess he's depressed and that on some level he knows he's being a dick? Triggers being childhood feelings activated by your difference of opinion and seeing his dad (so in all probability he probably doesn't even understand what he is thinking). Sex attempting to help him feel connected and valued but ending up leaving him feeling even more disconnected and worthless. None of which is your fault of course op. Keep expecting decent behaviour of course.

He is behaving abusively towards you (and in turn your children) also.

Re your comment:-
" DH can be prone to bouts of depression and drinking to excess, but this doesn't occur too often and we usually have some advance warning of his change of mood"

More red flags here re him. You say we here, that likely means both your children are picking up on all this as well. This is absolutely no relationship model to be showing them. If someone else was writing that, what would your own reaction be?.

He has a difficult relationship with his father (no surprise there either) which he also uses as a reason to further bash you emotionally with.

He may well be self medicating with alcohol but alcohol also acts as a depressant.

Why are you with him?. Do not remain in such a terrible sounding marriage because or for the sake of your children here. You really cannot afford for them to grow up within such a hostile and toxic environment.

Pft, almost violated! F. Out if interest op, if you tallied up often you organized during sex in comparison to him...would it be less than him? If so, I'd point that out and ask if you should feel visited about that?!

Honestly though op, its really no way to live is it?
One vote for - massive twat!

Also, what is he doing to combat his 'depression?'Has he seen his gp? Therapy? Meds? Because in a relationship, you mental health affects the other person too so you cant just do nothing to fix it. Not if you give a shit about your partner.

Honestly though op, I'd just file it under 'abuse' rather than depression and haul my ass out of there asap.

Sorry,

*how often you orgasmed
*violated not visited

@GoWalkabout and @Pinkbonbon thanks for your comments, I'm inclined to lean towards @GoWalkabout 's theory.

It is not acceptable behaviour on his part in any way, but blimey people are quick to call LTB, with no thought for the fact that we are actually real people with lives that would need disentangling!

I'm surprised there was No question about how my childhood was and what I learned about relationships growing up....

When I say "we" I mean me and DH, though I take your point about children picking up on conflict.

But as per @Pinkbonbon s comment he does need to take steps to tackle his depression, because is DOES impact me.

Big discussion to be had....

I dont think its quick to suggest ltb at all.
Your partner gives you the silent treatment, takes huffs and picks fights deliberately when he doesbt get what he wants exactly as and when he wants it. Technically op, many would class that as abuse.

Not to mention the disgreements on fundamental areas such as vaccination.

A partner is supposed to make your life happier, healthier and better. This guy just sounds like a soul sucking pain in the ass. And depression is not an excuse to treat his partner like shit.

To me it sounds like your partner is experiencing a period of poor mental health and is clearly all over the place.
I think it would be quite disarming to emphatically ask him what the real problem is, because I'm fairly sure it's all in his head.

I sometimes feel like commentors on mumsnet are either blissfully ignorant of what poor mental health can look like or just assume that what you're talking about is your whole relationship. Have some trouble with your partner "he's abusive LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE". Ridiculous.

Sounds like he is suffering with his mental health. Don't want to demand you leave him as I don't think that's fair - but I do think you need to have a proper conversation with him about your expectations for the relationship etc and how he talks to you.

Might be easier if you got somebody to look after DC for the evening and you could talk to him (sober!). If things don't change after you've spoken/he gets help then that's when you start thinking about leaving.

Yep great advice from bluemoons. I agree.

@Allypa I think you are very wrong with regards to Atillathemeercat. She gives really good advice that makes people think about patterns in relationships ie: parental examples during childhood and abusive or at least dysfunctional relationships. If you read the majority of posts in Relationships they are dysfunctional and abusive. That is why you see LTB. The DH in question has a pattern of dysfunctional coping patterns that he's receiving no help for and is behaving far from loving. He needs to seek help from his doctor and receive psychotherapy. The OP should be insisting on it to remain in the relationship.

Tbh I think attilas standard reply would be perfectly fine here too. I mean, what did some of you guys learn about relationships to make you think partners doing out silent treatment and throwing tantrums when they don't get their way is remotely normal or acceptable under any circumstances?

I don't give a flying fig if you're depressed, its not an excuse to throw a bloody strop like a
5 year old because your actual 5 year old needs their mothers attention for two minutes.

Its.not.normal.
And yes, there are far worse people in the world in sure. But not a chance in hell would I entertain a partner like ops for a second longer. Probavly not even if I believed it was a direct result of depression (unless he was taking getting help for it pretty damn seriously maybe).

It's easy to tell a username on a screen to take the nuclear option when you have no involvement in the consequences. This board is generally helpful but you do have to sift through the LTB bots

I’m not saying LTB but at the same time you didn’t get married to have to deal with all of his problems. It’s meant to be fun and it’s not.

So you have a DD6, a DD3 months and a giant man baby. He is being a mahoosive twat.

I have a long relationship with clinical depression (DF) and honestly it doesn't just turn on and off when you don't get your own way. It's hits any time for no reason at all. This is manipulation/control tactics.

Talk to him about why he thinks it's ok to be picking fights about vaccines/sex and the rest - you've only told us some but have felt triggered to post.

You've just had a baby. Consider counselling if you are into that. Really though he's just spitting his dummy out because he's not the centre or attention.

It could get better or it could get worse. If you don't say anything, you are accepting/enabling this kind of behaviour until he gets his needs met.

OP, obviously you are upset at his behaviour which has been poor for sometime.

It sounds as if you put up with a lot of poor behaviour and both humour and walk on eggshells.

I have found @AttilaTheMeerkat gives interesting, informative advice that is thought provoking.

He is not behaving well.
He is not treating you well.
This is not a great environment for children to grow up in.

He needs this spelt out to him clearly.
You need to be honest with yourself.

Is a continuation of this atmosphere what you want for your children and yourself longterm?

Is it slowly escalating?

If it is, you need to protect yourself and your children.

They deserve better and they absolutely will be absorbing this toxic dynamic.

Reach out for support from those that care for you.

OP - this behaviour is very familiar to me as my ex DH behaved similarly over our long marriage. These terrible episodes would always then be 'balanced out' by periods where we got on great and he was a good dad and husband. But over time the bad episodes became more frequent, severe and affected the kids more because they got older and were more aware of what was going on. Ex DH also refused to do anything to address his problems.

I totally get why you don't want to just end it now, especially given you have an infant and a small child (and there are good times). I would just say like the others, talk to him, see if he is agreeable to therapy and/or medication (and if he sticks to either once he starts) but try to keep your options open in terms of leaving if he does not take concrete steps to change. Maybe keep a journal of when these episodes happen so you can get a sense of whether they are getting worse or more frequent.

Ultimately you have to decide when enough is enough. But if and when you do, don't beat yourself up for not having done it sooner. It's very hard when you are in a marriage like this to draw a line. Listen to your gut. Good luck!