How did I get over someone who mentally abused me?

[aaberdabberdooo]

It's 21 months since I've been in the same room as him.
9 months since we last spoke.
He hurt me in ways I couldn't even tell you(emotionally,mentally )
I know the word "narcissist gets thrown around a lot but he actually was.
He was cruel to me.
He made me feel like I was the bad person and made me second guess everything.
He twisted things and gaslighted me,taunted me,bullied me yet I loved him because I had seen his nice side,how much fun we had together,the laughs etc.

He discarded of me January 2020.
Started speaking again Feb 2020 and spoke every day and I thought he had realised he was wrong but I was discarded again December 2020.

He had a new girlfriend.
He is with her now (around 9 months ) and he is treating her so well.
Holidays together (with his parents ) smiling pics on his Facebook (my best friend is on his fb and he knows she will be showing me )
I think she's moved in with him
He is treating her great and me like shit.

I was so nice to that man,I treated him well,did anything for him.
I think I'm attractive (passable ,I can get attention off men,not that it matters )
Now he's happy after literally treating me so awful.

I have a boyfriend of 5 months too.
We have just got back from a staycation and I really do like him.
He's lovely,he treats me well,looks after me etc ..yet my heart still hurts for my ex.

I have his best friend on my fb and snap chat so I know he will know I've moved on too.

I honestly am fed up of feeling this way
I don't think I still love him (how could I ) but it still hurts.
Wondering why he couldn't be like this with me

Am I messed up ?

Block him on FB. Tell your friend you have no interest in seeing his updates (and ask yourself how good a friend she is to be showing you his stuff?). Block or unfollow his best friend.

FB is not real life. I bet there were photos of you and him on SM. Means absolutely nothing (as you now know).

You aren't messed up. He is. Be grateful it's someone else on the receiving end of his fuckwittery, and spare her some sympathy.

It sounds like your self-esteem took a real hit with this guy. Thing is, if you truly feel he is a narcissist you also know peope like that don’t really change and are masters at putting on a good face to people - which is never more easy than via social media. You don’t know how he is treating this woman in reality, only the curated image he is putting out and (you think) he knows is being fed back to you - and if this is also the case well it’s working, you’re still biting and taking the invitation to compare and feel bad.

Getting away from this guy for good should be your first port of call - that includes knowing anything about his life or social media, not letting your friends feed you information and removing people associated with him from accessing your social media too - because you’re playing his game now by allowing his best friend to access your ‘moving on’ persona (when you haven’t because if you had you’d want him to know nothing about your life or to know anything about his).

Ask yourself what you need to prove to this guy? You can’t make him regret what he did or treat you well. Comparing yourself to a fictionalised (or at least unknowable) version of a new relationship based on very little actual information is madness - and is allowing him power over you still.

He'll be treating the new one well now but she will be in exactly the same position you are in at some point in the future.

I agree, you need to stop getting any information at all about him, whether it's good or bad. The more you know about him the more room he's got in your head. It's difficult enough to stop thinking about them. It takes a lot of willpower but you can do it.

A relationship with a narcissist isn't like any other, you can't just move on, they leave a lot of scars. Have you had any counselling?

I think I kept his best friend on my social media so I could redeem myself I think.
Showing him I'm happy and with someone new.
It's Pathetic.

Our relationship was toxic
He made it toxic then blamed me
My self worth is bill because of it.

@Orgasmagorical no I haven't had counselling.
I couldn't imagine telling a counselling about everything
I can't even think of how stupid I was
Half of it you wouldn't even believe

Unfortunately you can't stop caring for someone like flicking a switch. I'm sure we all wish we could as it would make life easier. You need to book him on everything. What he does or doesn't do and who with will just make you pine for him. You don't need that shit.
Make new friends you don't need to remain friends with his friends, I know you might want to but it's not good for you mentally. You need to heal you. Anything that interferes with that needs removing from your life.
Don't feel guilty about not being upset as your getting over it. It's ok and fine for you to enjoy life again.
You have moved on very quickly with a new man. Maybe that's rebound but you need some time alone for you to heal before having to deal with a new love interest.

I still cry at times over him.
Think about how things turned so bad.
I still miss him.
I don't and don't think il ever know what I did wrong

@chocolateorangeinhaler if only.
I don't look at his pages for months then in a moment of weakness I end up looking.
It's stupid as I'm only hurting myself
My friends tell me he will never change etc

I can honestly say he will do the same to his current partner - when some one is so vile and cruel they dont change. Social media is so fake and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors,
I was in a very similar relationship and beat myself up for years when he got together with a new partner and they had a daughter together - must have been me that brought the bad out in him - must have been me that created all the drama until .....she came knocking on my door asking for help to leave him - it was the mirror image of what he had done to me, Now I have watched a succession of women that he prays on and abuses
Be kind to yourself and continue to heal

@starsigns28 that's exactly how I think too.
He is being like this with her but not me so obviously I did something to bring it out of him.
I wasn't worthy but she is.
Look how happy he is with her ...couldn't be with me etc etc
It doesn't help when he told me I was to blame,that I was the negative one,I caused the situation.
It makes me doubt if I'm to blame

But this is what abusers do - blame you and make you feel worthless. It takes a long time to lose that self loathing that they have penetrated so deeply in to us. Please believe me she will be painting a smile on her face or too scared to leave - it is just a matter of time. I did not want any one else to go through what I had but when his ex told me how vile he was to her it was a release from years of thinking it was all me. She endured his mental abuse for 7 years, had amazing holidays together - bought a house together but underneath what I thought was a bliss full relationship she was being abused.
It took me a long time to come to terms with the awful things he did but ask yourself would you do those things to someone ? You recognise he treated you badly - he controlled and bullied you.
Look at him as not having a nice personality - this is his make up and he will not change
Do not ever doubt yourself - you sound like a kind genuine lady and you loved him because you are a decent loving caring person.

[quote aaberdabberdooo]@Orgasmagorical no I haven't had counselling.
I couldn't imagine telling a counselling about everything
I can't even think of how stupid I was
Half of it you wouldn't even believe [/quote]
Oh, I'd believe it, I've been there

I could say I've been that stupid too but when we are doing those stupid things it's not actually the real us who is doing them, it's who they've made us and how they've manipulated us. Somebody told me, once we had split up, that "it was his words coming out of your mouth". Harsh and not what anyone would want to hear but it was true.

You don't have to tell a counsellor everything, just whatever you feel comfortable with, but I really would recommend it. I have found it has made a huge difference.

I don't think il ever know what I did wrong

You did nothing wrong, you're not to blame, you haven't caused any of his behaviour. He is an abuser. He is working from the same script that every other abuser works from, they're all the same but somehow think they're different and special. They're not, they're just weak so have to make you feel a lot worse than they do so they can feel better about themselves. They cannot be fixed because they don't accept they have anything wrong with them.

I would recommend phoning Women's Aid to either speak to someone there or ask them for a recommendation of a counsellor who specialises in helping abuse victims. They won't be shocked at anything you say and they won't judge, they've heard it all before and a lot worse. They really are amazing, I can't recommend them highly enough.

If nothing else, have a look at your local WA Facebook or Instagram pages and see the posts they put up, you will see you are not alone and your experience is, sadly, not at all unusual.

You can get better from this but I think you could probably do with support from people who understand the way abuse works

[quote aaberdabberdooo]@chocolateorangeinhaler if only.
I don't look at his pages for months then in a moment of weakness I end up looking.
It's stupid as I'm only hurting myself
My friends tell me he will never change etc
[/quote]
It's like a bereavement time will heal you. Be kind to yourself.
It took me 18 months to get over a complete arsehole. But one day out of the blue a little thought popped into my head that said "you are going to be ok" that was a turning point. You have got through everything life has thrown at you so far. You are a survivor and you're stronger than you think. When you have a low day or get overwhelmed with a memory just remind yourself of that.