Is going back to an ex ever the same?

[Jae132l]

I am a single parent to my young DD, split up with her dad nearly 3 years ago now. Since then I have had one relationship for 18months, but I got cold feet and I broke the relationship off.

Over a year ago now (and also when I was with my ex) we began having family days out (me, DD and DDs dad). I really enjoyed the days together more so than I did seeing my (at the time) partner (so decided to call that off). I did not develop any feelings for DDs dad even though we were spending a lot of time together. I was happy to come back to my own home and have my own space.

However, something feels like its changed, these past 6 months I have felt like I want to be back with DDs dad, but I'm not 100% convinced. The reason I am not 100% convinced is because we had a very turbulent up and down relationship. I feel he has changed but at the same time I suppose I'm only seeing the good 'days out' parts.

He told me a couple of months ago we had to stop spending time together as a family because when we do he gets feelings. Since then I've thought about him every day, thought out how nice being in that family unit was etc ect. Even though we're not together I feel like he knows me better than anyone (we spent nearly 11 Years together and I was only 18), and he's always the first person I want to ring up and talk to. However, now I have to stop myself a lot.

I'm 32 now, and although my focus is on my career at the moment, I do one day want a family again. I'm scared if he meets somebody it will be too late for me. He is the most amazing dad to our DD too and I know not all men are great at being dads, he has her lots which helps with my career. But at the same time, I'm scared if we did ever get back together and things were still exactly the same, and I left again, it would be damaging for DD.

Has anyone got any advice?

It might be that you are wanting the idea of a family after these outings but that doesn't necessarily mean with him . They say an ex is an ex for a reason and you say you are not 100% convinced about him . I would also question the fact that he has stopped spending time as he gets feelings - to me that sounds like blackmail , not the action of a great Dad . What are his thoughts on getting back together ?

Could you date? Rather than do things as a family?

Make sure that whatever decision you make is for the right reasons and that you are clear about your motivation for doing so.

Be honest with yourself about why the relationship broke down and the realistic likelihood of him having changed in the long term. You'll have both changed in the past 3 years, would that make your more/less compatible? What evidence do you have that he has changed? Questions for you to consider, not necessarily answer on here

Personally, I wouldn't go back but that's just choice. If I were considering it, I'd do the above.

Why don’t you give it a go? If you want more children it’s a strong motivator for sorting out your problems and making it work, though you have to consider your DD if you broke up.
Sounds like you both have strong feelings and have grown up.
Could you agree to go to counselling together to work out what went wrong and stop it happening again?

@MrsMaizel He has not mentioned anything about his thoughts or getting back together. He did ask me to go on a date not so long ago, but I panicked a little and said no.
He did mention that if somebody else came along for either of us, he wouldn't want DD to blame them for stopping family days. That's why maybe he's trying to reduce the contact we have. He never suggests days/trips out anymore, it's only me, and he's more distant.

Is it worth a conversation? Just a cards on the table kind of thing.

@GreyCarpet Yes a conversation would be the best thing. I think I really need to sit down and process why the relationship split up, whether we would be more or less compatible etc. I think I need to do that sooner rather than later. Because, if it wasn't the right thing I think its going to cause more upset (as I was the one that left), and wouldn't be fair on him.

Sounds like getting back together could be a the right choice for your family, but you need to make sure it's the right choice for you.
Perhaps you need to just see eachother for a while. You can see him without committing to living together again, you can see how it goes.
Me personally, I think that I would rather at least try test the waters than regret missing the chance at a proper family unit again.