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Original poster

Daughter moving away

8 replies

Sally090807 · 15/09/2021 09:12

My daughter is 17, I’m a single mum and have been since she was 2.
We’ve always had the most amazing, close relationship and I’ve always supported her. Nearly a year ago she met a guy at school and fell head over heels in love with him, is totally besotted and would do anything for him.
My daughter is the kindest, loving, quirky and free spirited person I know.
My issue is that since she met her boyfriend she spends all her free time at his families house and it seems that she doesn’t even like coming home anymore. Whereas before we were close, now we don’t talk like we used to.
Before we’d go out for meals, trips away, holidays, cinema, etc the only time she seems to be in touch now is when she wants some new clothes, money or a lift somewhere.
It’s like his family are her new family and that she no longer has time for me.

She’s in sixth form at the moment and her boyfriend is off to Uni next year. My daughter doesn’t want to go to Uni but said she will go to live wherever he lives.
Of course I want her to be happy and live her life but just think it’s unhealthy to give up all your family and friends just to be with this one person.
Maybe I’m being selfish because I miss the closeness we had.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 15/09/2021 10:21

I understand why that would hurt but I think you need to look at it another way - if for no other reason than it will reframe it more positively for you.

You have equipped her with the skills to have a relationship and find love. She expects the world to be a good place and other people to be kind. She has been able to form relationships with him and his family. You did that.

It probably is a bit intense but that's because she's 17! Her job now is to move away from you a little as she forges her own way in the world and again, you have equipped her with the skills to do that.

My son moved out earlier this year. He and i were incredibly close (having been in a similar position to you and your daughter). I don't see him as often anymore and we speak on the phone for a couple of hours once a fortnight or so. Our relationship is strong as I'm sure yours and your daughter's is. Once she has settled down into adult life, she will be back - emotionally if not physically. She knows that you are her safe place and you have given her the wings to fly.

Besides, next year is a long way off in the life of a 17 year old and anything could happen between now and then Wink

W1nner250Day · 15/09/2021 10:24

The point of being a parent, is to ensure that your children fly the nest successfully
Perhaps your child has left the nest earlier than you expected ?
If things don't work out, she may return in the future

Original poster
Sally090807 · 15/09/2021 10:44

@GreyCarpet

I understand why that would hurt but I think you need to look at it another way - if for no other reason than it will reframe it more positively for you.

You have equipped her with the skills to have a relationship and find love. She expects the world to be a good place and other people to be kind. She has been able to form relationships with him and his family. You did that.

It probably is a bit intense but that's because she's 17! Her job now is to move away from you a little as she forges her own way in the world and again, you have equipped her with the skills to do that.

My son moved out earlier this year. He and i were incredibly close (having been in a similar position to you and your daughter). I don't see him as often anymore and we speak on the phone for a couple of hours once a fortnight or so. Our relationship is strong as I'm sure yours and your daughter's is. Once she has settled down into adult life, she will be back - emotionally if not physically. She knows that you are her safe place and you have given her the wings to fly.

Besides, next year is a long way off in the life of a 17 year old and anything could happen between now and then Wink

Thanks for your lovely reply, she’s been my Little Rock too when my mum passed away. I just miss her and the positivity and joy she brings to my life. I worry that she’s too involved with her boyfriend, but as my mum said, no matter how old your children are you never stop worrying about them.
OP posts:
Twizbe · 15/09/2021 10:55

Ah to be 17 and in love.

What does she want to do after school? I think it's worth a practicalities chat with her. He won't know where he's going to be until August and it might take her a while to find a job and accommodation there. She might need to work to a timeline of moving after xmas.

I'd also strongly advise her to move into a house share and not with her bf. If their relationship has any chance of surviving uni they need to have their own lives in the town. By all means move in together for second year, but let them find their feet as individuals first.

FWIW I went to uni with a boyfriend and like everyone else I know who did the same, we'd broken up by Xmas. He wasn't at uni with me but lived nearby. When my world opened up he just seemed so wrong for me. I met my now husband 5 months later.

Original poster
Sally090807 · 15/09/2021 11:06

He’s not going to Uni until next year and he’s apparently moving there with my daughter and his 2 best friends and they are all going to share an apartment. 😕

OP posts:
Twizbe · 15/09/2021 11:12

@Sally090807

He’s not going to Uni until next year and he’s apparently moving there with my daughter and his 2 best friends and they are all going to share an apartment. 😕
Well, see how the year pans out. It's no done deal they'll all get in and make their offers.

I really would talk to her about the moving at Xmas thing though. She might not have appreciated how late in the day uni offers are confirmed.

frozendaisy · 15/09/2021 11:31

First love infatuation going on here.

17 yr olds generally have pie in the sky ideas.

Let them dream the reality will be much more mundane. But don't tell them that.

They might be childhood sweethearts who go on and have the world it happens but it's rare, if she's happy and he treats her well just enjoy the time you do get with her at the moment and start living you.

I have a feeling she will boomerang back. If it goes tits up just be there with ice cream and tissues.

Catlover1970 · 15/09/2021 18:26

I feel for you. However, she is in the throes of first love. She will come back don’t worry xx

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