How to manage feelings

[User97012]

Over the past 2 years now there have been multiple times I have been annoyed and upset at how my in laws have treated not just me but also DP.

I'm unsure what the issue is or where it has come from as before this they seemed to be loving caring parents.

I don't want to go into all the reasons why as could be very outing but let's just say they have been unsupportive in a challenging time and now their other DC finds themselves in the same situation and they are like different parents, couldn't do more for the other DC. Obviously my DP has picked up on this and can see the stark differences in how other DC is being treated which has really upset him which has in turn upset me even more. It's not as if we do nothing for them, in fact I think they take advantage of our generosity which is another reason I am so annoyed.

My DP has spoken to them but I feel it has fallen on deaf ears. I don't want DP to go NC and miss out on a relationship with his family but unsure how we can manage our feelings moving forwards

What does he want to do?. He is key here, these are his parents. And as for you not wanting him to go NC and miss out on a relationship with his family, well what relationship does he have with them anyway?. It’s not your decision to make either. He has every right also to have no contact with his parents if that is what he wants. Relationships are two way and his parents have treated both him and you abysmally. His parents also have not apologised nor have taken any responsibility for their actions which is standard for such types too.

You perhaps come from an emotionally healthy family unit, your man here is clearly not as fortunate. You’ve probably not come across people like his in laws either before now so find their behaviour very confusing and upsetting.

These people were never loving and or caring parents to your man, you got the wrong impression of them perhaps deliberately. You really did not know them as well as you perhaps thought you did. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your man’s here is one of scapegoat. As a result you and any children you may go onto have by him will also be scapegoated too. His siblings and their own families remain the more favoured people.

What are your boundaries like here re them? They have seemed far too low to date which has allowed them to take advantage of your own kindness and have used that against you. Own your feelings and only be around relatives/friends who treat you both decently and with respect. You do not need his parents in your own life. Stop as well with doing stuff for them. Say no more to being abused and otherwise ill treatment from these people. It’s not your fault nor his they are like this and you did not make them that way.

Do read “Toxic in-laws” written by Susan Forward to further understand the power and control dynamics being played out here by them. Your man too may want to look at the Out of the FOG website.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for your reply, you are right in many aspects. I don't think my DP knows what to do, I think he will carry on trying for a long time snd will continuously get hurt.

I think I am hoping if I can change my feelings or pretend everything is okay then it will be, as I do want DP and my children to have their parents and grandparents involved.

I wish I was strong enough to say no to the constant asks for favours but think I feel like if I do more for them maybe they will do more for DP but it seems to be the opposite

In a similar situation to you, it was me that decided we, as a couple, had to cut ties. DH didn't have the strength to make that decision on his own but when we talked it over together and we went NC with a large part of his family who were treating us very badly. That was in late 2015 and we have never regretted it.

I would never have put pressure on or made him choose but I simply said I thought it was for the best and we decided as a couple.

The drama and shit is continuing as we have a small window in via a cousin. Thankfully it's not about us and we are not involved. The look in proves we made the right decision and proves we were not the problem after all.

Hi user

Doing the same sort of thing expecting a different result is the definition of insanity according to Albert Einstein.

Your DP has been primed and conditioned by his parents to be the ways he is towards them. His own fear, obligation and guilt as well as his inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as well as you.
He needs to speak with a BACP registered counsellor and one at that who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward will also help him. He is going to have to let go here of any and all hopes that they will change; this is who they are and they are not for changing. I would also suggest you read and/or post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

You cannot change them but you can both change how you react to them. Your boundaries for them are far too low and need urgent revising upwards. Do start being far less available emotionally and physically to them as a couple.

Re your further comments in quote marks that I have separated out:-
"I think I am hoping if I can change my feelings or pretend everything is okay then it will be, as I do want DP and my children to have their parents and grandparents involved".

May I ask how old you both are?. Doing this will just set you and any children you have by him up into having more emotional pain. Please do not do this, it will backfire on you. Your own feelings are just as as valid here so stop with the pretending that all is ok when it clearly is not. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not and your inlaws are no different. You forget here that if your inlaws are too toxic or difficult for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your children as well.

Look at how your man now is around them, your children will behave similarly if at all exposed to his parents. Why would you at all want your kids to have a relationship with them anyway?. Your children would also be scapegoated. They are NOT good people to be at all around, they are not emotionally healthy enough. If they behave like this now, they will be the self same towards you as grandparent figures.

"I wish I was strong enough to say no to the constant asks for favours"

How do you behave at work; can you say no to people there?.

The two of you are being used so consider saying something along the lines of, "sorry we cannot do that, this does not work for us" and repeat where necessary.

Why are you wanting their approval (which they will never give either of you) or try to people please; these people are impossible to please and besides which being a people pleaser is not who you want to be at all. Consider also blocking their number from your phones.

Your man is also stuck in the fear, obligation and guilt re his parents and that absolutely needs addressing now and particularly before marriage and children.

"but think I feel like if I do more for them maybe they will do more for DP but it seems to be the opposite"

That's because it is. Again stop doing stuff for his parents. They see your kindness as a weakness to exploit and they will continue to exploit you both if you allow them to carry on treating you both as they have done to date.

You absolutely need to put both mental and physical distance between you and they.

They will never give you and he the approval that you seek so stop trying. Be available instead to those who are radiators, not drains on your life.