If you were cheated on - how soon did they introduce DC to OW

[mcvities]

I’m negotiating a divorce after STBXH left for OW

They were having an affair for years, unbeknownst to me

I got the ball rolling immediately and began divorce proceedings and they moved in together almost straight away, despite denying this

I tried to arrange some sort of parenting plan with a middle aged teenager ex who just shrugged and folded his arms

I said whoever he saw now was no longer my business but could he please wait before introducing her to DS and let me know when he had done so. He introduced DS to her within two weeks and I only found out weeks later

Now they are full on blasting pictures of them and DS on social media and are pushing for 50 50 custody. They message and video call him several times a day and lavish gifts on him. This started after a couple of months

OW has bought DS a complete wardrobe of new clothes and anything I can do they can do 100 x better. They try and outshine everything

What infuriates me, is I’ve always done all the donkey work. Left work when DS was ill, arranged lunches, sorted out holidays and clubs etc and ex had to be reminded of everything and still does. Drop offs are always late, with out fail

OW cannot have children and dearly wants them and, if past history is anything to go by, he will leave all the organising to her. Plus I’ll have to relay all the information about schooling etc. In his head, he just wants to swap one wife/ mother with another. He encourages OW to call/video call DS

The constant video calls annoy me, as he didn’t spend that much time talking to him when he lived here

I’m going to ask for set times for calls. Ex will agree to things verbally, then deny all knowledge and do exactly as he pleases. He lies about so many things, it’s impossible to see where they end

Obviously DS adores him but the thought of 50 50 parenting is a nightmare. They gave DS cookies for breakfast one morning

Does anyone else have any experience of this? And were your DC ok years down the line?

Just wondering what chance they have of getting 50 50? I feel this is far too much, too soon but realise I have no control of who ex introduces to him and how soon but it’s like dealing with a pair of spoilt adult kids

How old are your children?

@millymollymoomoo he’s 10

What does your son want ? At his age they may just start To take his wishes into consideration but he’d be deemed to you g to make a final decision

In deciding 50:50 ( or not) both need to put emotions aside ( however hard they is) and look at what’s in your sons best interest
Think about
Working patterns
Sports/hobbies. Etc
Logistics
How far apart are both parents
How would it work - one week each, split week, etc - how disruptive is this for child
How far from school do parents live - can both get there
What alternative context patterns would you propose and why do you they are more stabilising

So on
While completely under stable, gripes about you having previously done lions share, or not wanting ow involved, etc do t really carry much weight

Argumoneed to be considered purely on what’s in the child’s best interest

It sounds like ridiculous 'showmanship' on his part to prove to OW what a great Dad he is. If he's not pulling his weight in other ways though it sounds like the facade will soon fade.
Exh and I ended up with 40/60 custody (I'm 60) only because he proved over time that he was consistent and responsible. And ultimately my DC love their Dad and want to spend time with him.
You haven't said what your DS wants. I'm sure he has an opinion. My DD is 10 and is starting to be more reflective about what she wants. I think it's best to focus on what's best for your DS long term and whether this act will actually continue. If not, then I would push for less than 50/50 because it will end up being you doing the grunt work and time with a new stepmum is not the same as time with his Dad.
Definitely cut down on the video calls. How intrusive.

Maybe your husband feels guilty because he left him, and he's over-compensating? Your son loves his father and it seems like the OW has a good relationship with him. Isn't this what you'd want for your child? That he's happy with all the people involved in his life?
A childless friend married a guy and his children adore her because she's lovely. But as much as she does for them, they all know who their mother is and there's no comparison. It's possible for childless women to take on step children and not want to replace the mother.

DS has said he wants to stay here, in his main home, with his pets and teddies and his routine but he said he didn’t want to upset dad, if he wanted 50 50. I don’t want to influence him in any way and it’s a difficult subject to broach. I think he was worried his dad would think he was taking sides

I’ve agreed (or at least, thought I had) EOW with ex, one overnight week night and one week night evening. Plus discuss holidays, Christmas etc

I’m trying to do a cast iron parenting plan, that we both agree on to cut down on any confusion

Was there anyone else involved in your break up @Spritesobright?

In normal circumstances, it would be nice to meet the person who is spending time with your child

My ex also had a child when we met (I wasn’t OW) and just used to leave for work in school holidays (I worked part time) and left him with me, every time. They did resent it and not sure I blame them. I waited 9 months before being introduced and I knew his ex wife

It’s also the thought of DS being left unattended with someone I don’t know and could be anyone

At 10 your son will have a close relationship with you that the other lady will not hold a candle to. Your history and your love and your bond is what makes it special.
All she can do is to throw money at him.
I think what they are doing is poor and a 10 year old will enjoy having things but nothing can replace your relationship or change it.
Ask your son what he wants. Ask him if he is OK because very often children are torn in situations like this and do not want to offend the grown ups who are disturbing their lives.
Reassure him. he will already know who is the constant in his life and where 'home' is OP

Thank you @Anordinarymum. I keep reassuring DS that everything is ok

I do worry about him trying to please everybody

The first time he met OW, he came home shaking and hunched. He said he ‘couldn’t remember’ what happened all weekend at dads. He said dad & his girlfriend said not to say anything because mum would be cross but that dad had a girlfriend and she slept in his bed

I said, I wouldn’t be cross and could tell me anything. DS was literally still processing the split and adjusting to a new routine

He will be upset because he won't want to hurt you and that is natural.
Keep reassuring him that everything is OK is all you can do

@Porridgealert your friend’s wife sounds lovely but I don’t really know the OW in my case

Her friend sent me an unpleasant message on social media, along with the family pics of the three of them. That’s how I know about the photos plastered over there. That doesn’t bode well for me, to start with

@mcvities
Yes Exh had an OW involved. They didn't move in together, which helped. She had known me and met our DC beforehand as his "friend."He introduced her to the girls as his girlfriend about 6 months after the split.
It was annoying but DC were frankly pretty disinterested in her. She would buy them little gifts and take them for posh afternoon tea that I couldn't afford to do.
They lasted a couple of years. Conversely, my DC adore my new partner and his DC.
It does have a way of working itself out.