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Relationships

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Original poster

Does anyone else have a partner who agrees to do something then doesn’t?

29 replies

harmionie · 14/09/2021 17:33

There’s no real solution to this but I just have to let it out. I can’t rely on my partner. It’s small things - like not going to the supermarket when he says he will - and big things, like he’s meant to be putting our house on the market and just doesn’t.

I don’t know if anyone can empathise. I’m so fucked off with it this evening.

OP posts:

grasstreeleaf · 14/09/2021 17:38

You need to ask him to do things for which there are consequences that mainly affect him. He will then learn the hard way if he plays no heed to you.

grasstreeleaf · 14/09/2021 17:40

Or you could remind him in a timely fashion, that is ask ahead of time (give him chance) and remind when needs doing that very minute. No repeated reminders for him to tune out.

happytoday73 · 14/09/2021 17:44

Yes me.
Can you make sure you leave at 4.30 so can pick up child at 5 and feed before taking to football at 6 as I can't leave early as giving training till 5. Yes that's fine.

I get home earlier than expected.. 5.. Ring.. He is still at work 30 minutes away as he forgot childminder finishes at 5.30 and about football... Its been same set up for 3 years!
No there wasn't a work emergency, meeting or alike and he hadn't forgot he was picking up... he just couldn't be arsed to give it head space.

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/09/2021 17:45

Or leave the inconsiderate wanker! Sod micro managing him as pp suggests. He makes plans/promises and then doesn't follow through. I'm assuming if he conveniently forgets to go the shop, you're the one who then has to go? His plans/promises are just stfu tactics that he has no intention of doing. Sod that.

Thelnebriati · 14/09/2021 17:49

An ex used to do that, and in his case it was because he couldn't take there being any consequences to his actions, so he would avoid any kind of responsibility. So he would say 'yes' to defer the 'consequences' of saying 'no'.
If you 'challenged' him (and I am really talking about the mildest of conversations, literally 'did you get the milk?') he would read it as devastating criticism and an attack, and get extremely defensive straight away.
He wouldn't do anything to change and I found it too tedious to deal with.

Bananalanacake · 14/09/2021 17:51

When your house is sold is there a possibility you could live alone, might be less stressful for you.

Hawkmoth · 14/09/2021 17:54

Yes me. You have my sympathy.

DH has no idea how difficult it is, the mental effort wondering when something will happen, if it's appropriate to remind him, trying to forget things I definitely won't step in on. Ugh.

Herbie0987 · 14/09/2021 17:58

I had an ex like that

Original poster

harmionie · 14/09/2021 18:00

The house will never be sold. It’s not even on the market.

I’m so glad (selfishly!) it isn’t just me, sat in a fucking supermarket car park with a baby because I’m too angry to go home!

OP posts:

WineInTheBlood · 14/09/2021 18:05

Yep! I get so irritated because he always says "well you didn't remind me!" - Why is it my job to remind him to do things? I have enough to juggle already!

TheFoundations · 14/09/2021 18:10

It's massively disrespectful. Have you explained to him the extent to which this bothers you?

Thelnebriati · 14/09/2021 18:14

Before you try to explain how disrespectful he is being, ask him does he act that way at work. Because if not, he's making an active choice to only do it with you.

Original poster

harmionie · 14/09/2021 18:23

It’s not even that it’s me so much as something that doesn’t directly affect him. So he doesn’t need to go to the supermarket so he doesn’t bother.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 14/09/2021 18:28

@harmionie

It’s not even that it’s me so much as something that doesn’t directly affect him. So he doesn’t need to go to the supermarket so he doesn’t bother.

But he's told you he will do it so it's you he's lied to and disrespected.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/09/2021 18:30

No. I used to have one like that, so when I divorced him I made sure DP wasn't like that.

YukoandHiro · 14/09/2021 18:31

My DH is supposed to have added our second child to our wills. He hasn't done it yet. It's driving me insane. She's nearly one now.

Treacletoots · 14/09/2021 18:34

My exH was like this. A complete and utter lazy bastard who only ever considered his own needs. Bit by bit I just stopped doing anything for him because why the fuck should I wash his clothes, cook his food etc if he wouldn't return the favour. By the end of it, we were basically two single people living in a house except he then started taking his washing to his mum's to do

I divorced the twat not long after. People never not realise things need to be done, or that partners are supposed to support each other. They're just selfish life sucking cunts who take advantage of your good nature.

Don't be his slave any longer. Its time his inaction has consequences, it's up to you how severe.

Original poster

harmionie · 14/09/2021 18:35

Yeah - it’s small things (can you go to the supermarket - yes - three hours later you go yourself) and the big things (the house STILL isn’t on the market and I am resigned to the fact it never will be, which makes a mockery of paying for a mortgage broker.)

OP posts:

PirateMemoryGame · 14/09/2021 19:11

Why can’t you put the house on the market yourself?

Original poster

harmionie · 14/09/2021 19:19

It isn’t mine.

OP posts:

layladomino · 15/09/2021 08:10

I don't like resorting to childish actions, but in this case I think maybe he needs a taste of his own medicine for a while. 'Forget' to get the stuff he wants when you do a food shop. 'Forget' to put his stuff in with the wash. Agree to do something then just don't do it.

I'm not sure that would be productive, it may just lead to arguements and mnot resolve anything. But I don't know what else you can do other than separate (and I would seriously consider that). It shows a total lack of respect or care for you. And it seems that while ever there are no consequences on him, he'll continue because he doesn't mind that he's frustrating / inconveniencing / upsetting you.

SarahBellam · 15/09/2021 08:41

Yes, my ex, who managed to run a university department with 30 staff and 400 students but couldn’t pick up a tin of beans in Tesco without 5 pages of written instructions and a further 5 pages of maps and diagrams. When our daughter had an operation a while back I did EVERYTHING- sorted appointments, paid for it privately (it was going to be 2 years on the NHS), bought her everything she needed for a comfortable stay, helped her pack her bags, went to and stayed with them the whole time, brought her home, and on and on, and then about 3 days later he says, “Have we arranged the physio appointments?” And I replied, “What do you mean ‘we’? Do you mean me? Because I’ve done everything else.” This man is not stupid - very very far from it, but he thinks that I should do all this, even though I also hold down a senior full time job. Anyway, that’s why he’s now an ex.

SarahBellam · 15/09/2021 08:44

@PirateMemoryGame

Why can’t you put the house on the market yourself?

Because they agreed he would do it? Why does it always fall to one person to do everything. I assume this man is a fully functioning adult and is therefore perfectly capable of doing it. He’s just a lazy arse who thinks someone else should do all the grunt work.

BelladiMamma · 15/09/2021 10:16

@harmionie

It isn’t mine.

Get that changed ASAP. If you're married, technically you have a right to some of it, but you would be well advised to get your name on the deeds ASAP. And that could be your 'chore' to do - contact the solicitors, cc him in to everything and then present it as a very simple task.

Original poster

harmionie · 15/09/2021 13:21

We aren’t married. I’m pretty resigned to the fact the house will not be sold and we won’t be buying one together which was the ‘plan’, such as it was. I do have a house myself though so let’s not turn the thread into that.

It doesn’t matter how simple the task is, this is not a question of intellect. You can’t get much simpler than ‘go to shop and buy a packet of cereal’, a seven year old could do that!

OP posts:

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