My marriage is a mess and I feel left behind

[Cmariem]

A bit of background so you can understand the situation I’m in. My husband and I have had a very difficult 9 months. In January he came home saying he wasn’t sure if he loved me or wanted to be with me. Over the last 9 months we have tried to fix things and although things are better it still has a long way to go. I have a lot of resentment and hurt from the things he said and he feels like it was my fault that he felt that way so won’t apologise for the hurtful comments.
Anyway, when we first met he worked for his dad as a driver, it nearly went bust when our first son was born so he took charge of the business and it’s now very successful. He fell out with his dad and they are currently stuck in stale mate (50/50 shares), with each of them refusing to let go. This has been going on for 3 years and it’s been extremely stressful.
Whilst he was building the business he would always talk to me about it, ask me for advice and take me down to see it. He also would regularly ask me to come in and work with him, but with small children and no family i wasn’t able to do that. When he came home in the January saying he wasn’t sure if he loved me, he completely shut me out of everything. Stoped talking to me and was always at work, coming home sometimes 10 at night. He recently built a team of people around him and no longer wants me involved, not even to pop down for some lunch. He came home from work last night really excited about starting a new venture (a way to get away from the stale mate with his dad and leave him with nothing) with his team where they would all get shares in this company, but he kept going on about how amazing his team is, how hard they work and how much they deserve to also profit from their success, which is lovely. I can’t help but feel jealous and left behind. We both decided when we had our first child that I would be a stay at home mum. I have supported, advised, encouraged and built him back up when he was down for the last 13 years. Now that I’m finally able to come in as our youngest will be starting nursery soon he doesn’t want me to have anything to do with this. When I try to talk about our marriage he either shuts me down saying I keep stressing him out or talks about what we would do if we separated. I’m absolutely heartbroken and miss the man he used to be. I’m also scared that he is setting this new business up to divorce me and leave me with nothing. Although to be honest I don’t have any fight left I’m me and I absolutely HATE what money turns people into so I would just sign everything away anyway. I just want to be happy and have the husband I fell in love with back. Sorry for the really long post, I don’t have any family or friends to talk to and I’m really lonely.

Stop thinking about giving anything away and go and see the best solicitor you can find. Do nothing until you know where you stand legally.

Am so sorry you are lonely op, its a horrible place to be. Can you concentrate on getting yourself back on an even keel - what would that look like?

I wouldn't be surprised if you were suffering from depression in that case

1. Solicitor
2. GP for antidepressants
3. 1 thing for your mental health every day, whether that's exercise or whatever

It sounds like he is trying to cut you out. I’d go and see a shit hot lawyer ASAP. It sounds like you’ve had The Script and now he’s making plans to move on. Given the hours he keeps I wouldn’t be surprised if there was another woman in the wings. Keep your powder dry and do a bit of snooping. Get access to accounts, bank statements etc.

Thank you for replying. Your right that I have been suffering from depression. It’s been awhile now, since I had my youngest who is one and a half now. I’m slowly working on my self and making small changes to my day to day routine. I thought i was in an ok place and had a plan on how to sort myself out and be on a more even standing with my husband. I was starting to learn how to do the finances on one of his small business he set up a few years ago as he gave me some shares in it. It was agreed if it didn’t work out than I would run this business so I had a way to provide for our children, but he let slip on Saturday that he was thinking about moving it all to another company in only his name if we were to separate, that on top seeing him do the exact same thing to his dad and constantly reminding me he doesn’t feel any emotional connection with me has really knocked me.

Sarahbellam, thank you for your reply 😊 That’s what I fear. Part of me wants to do as you say and get a lawyer and do what I need to, to be able to provide for my children. Another part wants me to hold on and save the marriage. He tells me he loves me and doesn’t see life without me but he just doesn’t feel any emotional connection with me and doesn’t like being around me. I have also seen just how much money can change people and turn the nicest of people into greedy selfish people who would tear their family apart for more money. Sometimes I think I would better walking away from this all with just my children and show them that happiness and kindness is more important than the amount of money that is in your bank account. As for the potential other woman that’s a whole other story 🙈 x

He doesn't like being around you? Wow. Has he told you this?

It does sound like there is another woman, tbh but even if there wasn't, then I would still seek to find out the legal position because he's being vile toward you.

Please don't accept it. Find out what you're entitled to pdq. Take all legal advice you can.

Then when he starts to prattle on about separation, you can simply say you want a divorce, knowing you have a solicitor all ready to go.

He's unlikely to ever revert back to the man he was, I'm afraid.

You wouldn't be showing your children that though. You'd be showing them that their future isn't worth fighting for and that their dad is allowed to financially abandon them. Children don't do what you say, they do what they see. Go and see a solicitor, for your kids and for yourself. You will forever regret it of you don't. Be courageous mate

This sounds horrible, I’m so sorry. I would definitely find out where you are financially, even if you stay in the marriage. I would also want to know what I stood to lose should he decide to go.
I’m sorry OP, but ‘the team’ is mentioned a lot and keeps him out regularly until 10pm? He was ‘no longer sure he loves you’ and doesn’t want you to pop over for lunch or be involved with ‘the team’ at all? At about this time he cut himself off emotionally from you completely and blamed you for making him feel like this? I think he’s having an affair OP and I’m so sorry to say that. It’s classic stuff. Mentionitis of ‘the team’ which I’m sure has one person in it who he thinks is more special than the rest of them? Suddenly staying out around this time until 10pm? Cutting himself off emotionally from you and the marriage (to justify perhaps what he is telling someone else about his home situation and make himself look like the poor trapped victim) then blaming you for making him like this, because doing so would assuage any guilt and make it all your fault not his, classic blame deflection and manipulation.
I might genuinely be way off here, I hope I am, but blimey he’s ticking all the boxes for having an affair.
Get yourself all the information you need about your finances and what you would be entitled to. Hopefully you’ll never need this information but I’d do it whilst he doesn’t know you are thinking this way.
Good luck OP. X

Cherchez la femme. I reckon he's got someone there and he's planning a future with her. See a lawyer asap.

If you hate people with money, and he is determined to be financially successful, it sounds like you are fundamentally unsuited to each other.

The OW is probably one of his team!

From what you have written, I agree that there is another woman and probably someone who he has contact with at work. I think you should start protecting yourself financially.

SeaShoreGalore, I don’t hate people with money. I have seen his family go from a very loving close family to no longer talking and doing anything in their power to screw over each other and happily leave them with nothing. It was really sad to witness and perhaps something I need to address with my therapist. Although you may be right about no longer being compatible, which is such a shame as I really do love him.

Sorry, op, I'd bet there's another woman involved.

Op, can you talk to your therapist about how you start detaching from your husband? If you don't start you are going to get really fucking hurt, he has pulled away emotionally for a reason and your relationship is practically over. I am so sorry

Cherchez la femme, op. Cherchez la femme. I’m really sorry, but this has OW written all over it. Get a good lawyer - you need to fight for what you deserve (do it for your kids if not for you).

So sorry but I agree, there is another woman.

Leave with your dignity and head held high- even when it feels horrific.

Trying the pick me dance will cripple your self confidence. You are worth more.

Good luck.

"He tells me he loves me and doesn’t see life without me but he just doesn’t feel any emotional connection with me and doesn’t like being around me."

These statements are mutually exclusive. If he loves you and wants to spend his life with you then he must feel an emotional connection with you and must like being around you. If he doesn't feel an emotional connection with you and doesn't like being around you, then he cannot love you and want to spend his life with you. And the reality is that he is keeping away from you as much as possible and cutting you out of everything so obviously the truth is that he doesn't love you and doesn't want to spend his life with you.

It must be absolutely devastating for you, OP - particularly since you have young children and it sounds like, until the beginning of this year, your family life was working well. He doesn't want to look like the bastard who left you for someone else when your children were young but that appears to be very much what he's working up to. And I agree with PP - there is almost certainly another woman in the background here.

It's heartbreaking for you and I can completely understand how you would yearn for how things used to be but that has gone. Your best bet now is to get some good advice on what you would be entitled to in the event of a divorce and start planning a life without him. You cannot stay with a husband who treats you the way he treats you. It will demolish you. Much better to be single than with a partner who treats you and your family with such contempt. No doubt you'll manage from a practical perspective because you're already having to manage without him. And in time your heart will heal too.

Cherchez la femme.

Bet it's one of his team.

Time is of the essence op.

You have to find your fire sweetie, he is up to either polaxing you into grief amd hoping his threats of not loving you will make you accept any behaviour he throws at you or he is seriously thinking of separating and wishes to manipulates the finances to suit him, again you being blindsided with grief will allow him to dominate the situation.

I say this kindly but you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, whilst you are mourning the loss of your relationship , he is getting one over you.

You must put this to the side whilst you amass any financial information and GET YOURSELF LAWYERED UP.

Pronto!

It does sound as though his head has been turned and he needs to be reminded how that is going to cost him, do not sign anything untill you have had legal advice.
Yes he's riding high at the moment and instead of sharing his success he has betrayed you, financially, emotionally and maritally.

He's turned into a grade A cunt, an ungrateful bastard who has got too big for his boots by the sounds of it, seen it so many times, so you must stop laying down and hoping that love will save the day.

He can't be trusted and you have a job to do lady, to look after your children and their future, would you want another woman getting your kid's money, no thought not so big girls pants on and stop relying on him being the fair, reliable and honerable person he used to be.

You deserve more than this, you are entitled to far more than he thinks.

Now strong lady get those solicitors numbers looked up and don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, his actions have shown you enough.