Can we mend our relationship?

[Beckandcall85]

It's been very messy 5 years. We met when I was 34. I completely fell in love even I knew it would be complicated. He has 2 children in a different continent. His marriage broke down after she had an affair. He came back to UK for work and was seeing his children once or twice a year using up all of his leave to see them. I wanted children but it never happened. 1. Because he didn't want them but didn't tell me for ages. 2. Even when he said he changed his mind and he would we were just not having enough sex (I recently found out lack of sex was linked to his addiction to porn) For the duration of relationship he stayed at my flat. We broke up about 2 years in and he went and bought himself another flat in another part of UK. This needed huge renovation. When we broke I was devastated and took him back. The children issue remained ambiguous as did the housing situation. I have felt stuck for a very long time. Stuck in a relationship without children, in a one bed flat, in stressful busy London feeling like nothing would ever change. I kept talking about getting a place together - or both moving to his flat. I was just sick of London, so sick of missing on family life, nature, pets -all the good things!! And now, I've sold my flat and the move was so stressful that we ended up breaking up. I'm now splitting my time by being a lodger and staying at my mum's. At 39 years old. What on earth do I do?

You stop waiting for your failed relationship to fix your life, and you put a lot of effort into building strength and a new life as a single person.

You are your own responsibility.

I don't think you'd want to mend this relationship, would you? It's not really going anywhere. It's not stable and he doesn't have much respect for you.

Buy another property elsewhere if you can with the money left over from the sale. You can go anywhere you want to.

You need to think about why you broke up, if you got back together would the reason still be there? Do you want to be with him more than you want to have children? Personally if it was me I would find myself a new area to move too, as it sounds like you wasn’t happy in London, get myself settled and in a good mental space and if I hadn’t found anyone to have children with I would start to look at other options available. Such as sperm donation or adoption and be a single mum. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide x

No, you can’t fix this, because he was happy to waste your time on the having kids issue for 5 critical years. He's selfish and doesn’t care about you the way a partner should.

So he has used you. You need some time to get over this and when you do you will realise how unkind he was. It's too raw just now. At 39 years old you still have time to meet someone really nice and start to enjoy life which I guess you were not doing before.
I detest men like this who use women and are not honest from the start because if he was you would have had time to decide what to do.

I met my partner when I was waay over 40. He is lovely. You will too I am sure of it xx

There is nothing to mend here. Tragically, you've wasted enough years of your life on him already, don't give this twat another day.

You can't 'fix' what was never working in the first place.

He has dictated the 'terms' of your 'relationship' throughout.

He has either lied or denied, and may have deprived you of the chance to be a mother through deception and deceit.

He has always prioritized himself and his needs.

He has never given two fucks about what you want or need.

You are living a life you don't want, in a place that you hate.

Do you really want to waste even a minute more of your life with this selfish bastard ????

It's time you left this prick behind.
It's time you began your new life.
It's time you put your needs first.
It's time for you to get a job you like in a place you'll love.
It's time for you to shine !

I'm so sorry you've been through this. But please don't think about trying to mend it. He lied to you about having children for long enough that it removed that choice. He has a porn addiction. He is not the answer to your happiness. He hasn't made you happy so far, so why would that change?

The answer is in you. In building yourself back up, thinking how you want your life to me in, say, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years then taking steps to move it in that direction. I know it feels like a hard slog but there are numerous examples of people whose lives have changed dramatically post 40, post 50 etc.

Are you fulfilled in your work? Could you study something different? Do you have hobbies? Got to the gym? See enough of friends? Want to travel? Where would you really, and realistically like to live?

This could be a huge turning point and the start of something really exciting. It needs to be about you and what you want. Forget about him. He'll just keep dragging you back in to the life you don't want.

You get what you put up with. I’m sorry you went through all this. Do keep in mind any relationship, good or bad, will always hurt to end. It doesn’t mean it’s true love or anything. It’s hard to be alone, we lose a source of affection and companionship and that is tough, it’s the same as drug withdrawal. But the only way out is through it. You are capable of being strong and independent, it may hurt for a while but it won’t kill you. A bad relationship, however, can kill us slowly as we give up our dreams and ambitions to adapt to someone who doesn’t always want us to be strong and independent.
You know your true wishes and your intuition will guide you.
Take care and keep well.

In practical terms, the sale of your flat in central London should afford you a bigger property more rurally?

Start putting yourself first now, aim to please yourself and strive for the life you want. You were happy and independent before you met this man five years ago, you can be again.

I wouldn't advise reconciling. He's strung you along and put himself first, your sex life evaporated.

Is he even divorced (after his wife having an affair ) or does he have a wife and kids in his home country who he spends all holidays with and supports by working here?
That might explain his reluctance to commit to you or plan a life and family with you.

You will heal. I'm sorry you're feeling so awful right now, be kind to yourself x

Thank you everyone for your messages. @smileyclare you said I was ‘happy and independent’ when you met him. I was independent but not really happy. I had let work consume my life and I just bought that flat to start making a concerted effort to get more balance in my life and that’s when he popped along. So I really threw myself into that relationship as some sort of salvation after some pretty gruelling lonely years where work took over everything. So I guess like some people have said he here - instead of making myself happy, I thought the relationship would do that. Don’t get me wrong there was lots of happy moments but he was just not the man to build a solid, happy, healthy future with. I tried to be understanding and patient with the family complications, the addiction issues but in the meantime neglected my own needs. So there we are. Life ey!

Try to avoid beating yourself up. You could re phrase your last post to read "I have been very successful in my work, I take my job very seriously and take pride in my achievements. My hard work and long hours have enabled me to purchase a property in London independently".

Don't let this one failed relationship define you. You can bounce back. Would you consider IVF with a sperm donor in the future? You have options.

Can I just say, you all sound like a bunch of brave and wise women so what advice do you have for staying calm and positive in these situations? I feel like I'm drowning in a spiral of negative thinking. I'm having trouble eating and sleeping too and just feel so unmoored - all of my personal belongings are in storage - I have nowhere to call 'home' and I'm just so terrified but also thinking of all the mistake I've made and how I messed everything up basically.

It might be helpful to recognise that what you're feeling is perfectly normal, and temporary. You're still at your Mum's, so you are no less without a 'home' than you've been for some time.

You can't fix everything at once, and it's ok for things to not be how you want them. A little bit of progress towards what you want is all you need each day. Things will feel better gradually.

For now, what can you do for yourself in the moment? What do you do to soothe yourself, usually, when you're in a bad mood? What distracts you?

You are now free to start a new chapter of your life. Stay calm and do things that make you happy :)