For those of you who are/were people pleasers and codependent

[extragarlicplease]

.. and possibly in an abusive, coercive relationship ; I just wanted to share what a couple of years can do if you want to turn your life around ..
It's not very exciting , but those of you who wal/ walked on egg shells will understand .
I was married to a bully essentially , for twenty years . I tip
Toed around him, tried to keep the peace in the house so as to prevent him
From shouting and scaring us all.
I didn't see what was happening or how I was reacting . I just got up every day , walked on egg shells and tried to keep the peace and do everything and anything to please him . I see it for what it was , now . I've had lots of counselling .
I met a man a year ago. Still
Waiting for the mask to fall such is his kindness, respect and love for me . He's consistent .
Presently he is unwell, living 25 miles from me. I am Busy with my own family but offered to drive to see him for care and company for. Few hours. . He is off form naturally. He said I was very welcome But he was not good company as he was feverish etc.
The old me would have ignored that and driven straight to him laden with medications, bags of food and spent the night minding him as I was so used to fawning over a man and desperate for faux appreciation and gratitude.
The new me simply said .. no problem, see you at the weekend without a hint of being insulted , upset or taking it personally.
To many of you,this is normal in healthy relationships. To me, it is quite the adjustment and knowing my boundaries.
The new me feels good and for those of you in this situation with a husband, wife or partner , you will know what it feels like to lose yourself in pursuit of appeasing an abuser.
Hopefully , it may hit a nerve to say that there's a better life out there , with or without a partner , where your self
Respect is high and your boundaries tight.
Of course .... now that I've said this , he is feeling awful and impolite and is dying for me to call but he knows that I am genuine when I say it's not An issue and how great it is to be able to express our needs in a healthy way without feeling rejected .

I always find the term 'people pleasers' unhelpful whereas codependent/caretaker is more accurate. Typically, but not always of course, the codependent will repeat the same old pattern and align themselves with a narcissist of some degree. One of the traits of codependency is the blurring of boundaries. That you were able to set and keep a boundary is healthy and you can have good positive feelings about yourself, which of course is not a trait of a codependent so in doing so you have broken two of the patterns.

I have read and researched a lot on codependency as a caretaker myself. A book that I would recommend is a book called The Drama of a Gifted Child by Alice Miller. Many people have some issues with it, as I did, especially the generalisations which serve no purpose. However, she really hits the heart of things and it is a short book at 137 pages. It is not for the faint hearted as she can be very black & white and at times brutal in her assessments.

A second book is The Codependency Recovery Blueprint which has lots of good practical advice.

I remember a therapist saying there is no recover from the caretaker role and you will be one all of your life. I prefer to believe that you move from being a caretaker to just a kind and thoughtful person.

Well done OP and good luck

I am a people pleaser. I have more recently taken it to be that I’m looking for approval or external validation all the time. If I think abut it more from that angle it helps me to address the behaviour.

Thank you for posting this, it has given me hope