Did anyone leave a challenging partner ?

[Fox2010]

Hoping to hear others experiences! So been with my husband since I was a teenager and we have a few children. I would happily leave him today, however it’s not that easy! My plan is to go as soon as my youngest starts high school. My reason being I wouldn’t have to ever see him again as kids would be old enough to go and see him and communicate with him by themselves.

Now I don’t need to stay due to financial reasons I earn well and have money in the bank, I would manage ok.

My issue is he is incredibly emotionally abusive and controlling and I’m so intimidated by him. He hasn’t ever hit me or said you cannot do this or that. It’s his comments his behaviour etc I feel I have to watch everything I say and tread on egg shells.

If I’m honest I don’t even like him, although I play it well remain nice keep the house running etc.

I just know he’d make my life utter hell if I left hence why I want a total clean break for him.

I’ve waffled on but I honestly hate my life 😩 I know people will say leave now but I cannot and will not. His family are very toxic people and him having my kids half the week would mean them in situations I do not want so as it stands now it’s not an option.

So just wondered did anyone go through with leaving someone very intimidating when kids were a bit older ? And what was your experience ?

(Just to add there is no arguing, no drama at home, kids have a great life. So they’re not picking anything up, neither is my husband as I say I’m a grade A actress no one aside from my best friend knows how I feel)

Thanks for reading
X

I left an abusive ex but stayed for similar reasons to you until my youngest was 6. Tbh, it was a mistake and my only regret now is that I didn't get out sooner.

If you're determined to stay until a set point in the future, there's not really a lot anyone can advise.

What I would say though is that the older the children get, the harder it becomes because they are such more aware and then you have the whole guilt about taking them away from their dad when you assume they perceive there to be no problem.

How old are they now?

I would think that despite your best efforts your children are aware that something is badly amiss between you two as their parents at home. You would like to think that they don't see anything but they are not stupid and they know on some level. They pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken between you two. They know how careful you are with words and deeds around him and I would also think that some of your children already copy your behaviour around him and or have become hyper vigilent to their dad's ever changing moods. He has beaten you down so much that you've become frightened of leaving him and are erecting barriers to stop yourself from leaving. This will do you and your children no favours; you need to find it within you to leave and not solely at the point your youngest starts high school. If he is abusing you like he is, its the same deal for your children too.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. They are at first hand seeing their mother being controlled and otherwise abused by their dad (who is likely behaving similarly around them. At the very least they are getting mixed messages). What would be your advice to them if any of them as adults was describing this sort of abusive relationship; that you would urge them to stay also till their youngest starts high school?.

Planning to stay within this until your eldest starts high school is basically setting yourself up to be on the receiving end of being further abused by him. I would urge you to think again despite your protestations that the kids do not see anything etc. Do you think also that such a man would want his children really 50% of the time; he likely says that purely as a control measure to keep you in line. He knows that these children are your achilles heel and will use them against you.

You are in a fortunate financial position and you have stated you would manage ok. Better to be from a so called broken home too than to remain in one. They are not going to say thanks to you for staying with him.

Sorry, but you're in denial that it is possible for any child to live in an abusive home without being negatively affected. None of the evidence and research into this supports that assertion. None of it.

What it does show is that women claim they have shielded their children and they are fine when in actual fact the children have been damaged - they tried to shield them, of course, but it is impossible.

Choosing to stay because you are scared to face the situation means choosing to expose them to harm for longer. You can get defensive about that all you like but those are the facts and until you face them you cannot extract yourself from this situation effectively.

Even if you are painting a smile on your face they are not stupid, aside from anything else they witness you being controlled and are learning that is normal relationship behaviour - which is damaging for their future lives. There is more to tension in a situation than whether or not someone has a smile on their face and a laugh on their lips.

Taking control by taking action will reduce the fear you feel. Most of it is driven by the uncertainty and lack of control you currently have by virtue of being abused.

You need to speak to Women's Aid and any local DV charities. You also need to clearly state that you are suffering domestic abuse and need support and advice on leaving an abusive partner. None of this "challenging partner" euphemistic talk and minimisation - abusive partner, abusive relationship, domestic abuse.

Especially when taking legal advice - do not give isolated examples and expect them to understand you mean domestic abuse. Do not minimise and then expect them to realise you mean domestic abuse. Tell them "I am experiencing domestic abuse in my relationship" .

Otherwise you will receive incorrect advice and this could leave you and your children at risk. A significant portion of women killed when trying to leave an abuser had never experienced physical violence before that point. Being clear that you are experiencing domestic abuse when seeking advice will be what safeguards you.

This man only cares about his own self and his own self interest.

Such men rarely bother with let alone see their children all that often post divorce and tend to keep using them as weapons against the mother by withholding contact and or maintenance payments. He is not bothered about them now really and uses them to keep you under his control.

He is not going to make the process of you divorcing him at all easy because he likes having you around to abuse and otherwise control. This does not mean that you should not actually start divorce proceedings in future. He will remain just as abusive as he is now post separation too.

I waited until my children were older, for reasons similar to yours OP. A big part of that delay was also his obstructiveness. BUT it has been harder now because the children are more prone to be manipulated by him. If you are done, go sooner rather than later.

As it stands too, you cannot protect yourself from his abuses of you let alone your children who are indeed seeing and hearing far more than either of you perhaps care to realise. They know on some level something is badly up at home; their friends parents do not behave like theirs do around each other.

It took the freedom programme to make
Me brave enough op
I just could sit through the 12 weeks and not end it

In the end he was screaming one day and I called the police on him
That was a fun day
You just have to grit your teeth , be brave and use a solicitor experienced with abuse
I can recommend a firm
It’s the scariest thing I ever did
I totally get your fear

Thanks for all your replies. It’s genuinely an awful situation to be in and I’m demented. I wish I could grab my kids and disappear forever !

I’ll put further thought into things thanks x

Sending you such strength. I can relate so well

Remember this
He will threaten you
You will scare you
But the law is on your side

Never hesitate to call 999 if an argument escalates
Really , promise me

Also he will threaten to take kids
But in reality ? He won’t
And is he is an Bastard they won’t want to see him
And at secondary age they don’t have to

You can do this

Thankyou 💗 I’m not happy you feel the same but at least you know others are in the same position. Why are so many men like this !

We will never know !
But you are well set up here
You are financially Independant
As shit as this situation is it’s a total blessing xxx