Obsessed and struggling

[Shouldofknownbetter]

I've been married a long time 30 years +. Life has had its ups and downs, 2 grown up children and one in secondary school. Had a horrible childhood, emotionally abusive mother, divorced parents, father walked out of my life. Always suffered terribly with anxiety and depression but managed to keep it under control. Husband is a good provider and an all round decent man, but a workaholic without any social life or any extended family. Any social life is through things I have arranged/friends I have met and I therefore feel we have missed out on so much over our life, weddings, parties, etc, don't have a big circle of friends and generally just "tick over". Feel my children have also missed out of anything that involves friends/extended family events.
Had a "relationship" a couple of years ago with a man from the past with an extremely chequered history. Fell for him big time only to be told he doesn't want any commitment/emotionally unavailable. I've become obsessed thinking about him, how he pursued me relentlessly, made me feel so special, wanting him to contact me, risking everything I have built up with my family. He has broken off contact numerous times, ghosted me, but then one of us contacts the other and the vicious circle begins again. I fall for the same old "there is something about you" crap time and time again.
I must be a horrible person I know and my family deserves better. I sit in my car wanting to end the pain I feel for someone who doesn't give a shit about me when I have a husband who does. I'm too scared to end my life but never thought I would end up like this. Please flame away - I deserve it.

You need to find something else in your life to satisfy you. New friends, new hobby, new career...something to give you fulfilment and enjoyment so that you don't want it by cheating on your husband.

Just a thought.

Oh and the obvious one...reconnect with your husband. Confront the issues with him. Does he know you want more of a shared social life with him?

Are you still in contact with this man now? If you genuinely want to ‘get over’ him then you need to delete him from your life, completely. He is playing you & you need rise above this & move forwards.

It sounds like you aren’t happy in your relationship & need to address the issues with Your husband too.

I’d recommend counselling for you ASAP, then look into relationship therapy with you DH.

This happens to lots of people when something is missing in their lives. Try not to be too hard on yourself but move forwards in a positive way.

@Magicstars. Occasional message but nothing else. I just wish I could forget him and stop being so obsessed and ridiculous. I am unhappy but feel so guilty about being unhappy when some people have nothing.

What do you get from this other man ? Is it just sexual satisfaction?
You need to reconnect with your husband & children big time. Cut all contact with other man, who is just using you for his own enjoyment.

Is your husband aware of your affairs with this man? If not, I would suggest you do not tell him, it will kill any hope of trusting you in future. It's your problem that only you can repair, be strong for all of your families security.

@flatbellyfella. In all honesty it must be a self-esteem thing. I want to be wanted. I know the other guy is using me - I suppose at first it was lovely and we were friends but each time he ghosts me I sink further into a pit of depression and anxiety. I obsess its because I'm old and ugly he has moved on and want to hurt myself. Never thought my life would come to this. No husband is unaware, but knows I'm unhappy.

man from the past with an extremely chequered history. Fell for him big time only to be told he doesn't want any commitment/emotionally unavailable. I've become obsessed thinking about him, how he pursued me relentlessly, made me feel so special, wanting him to contact me, risking everything I have built up with my family. He has broken off contact numerous times, ghosted me, but then one of us contacts the other and the vicious circle begins again. I fall for the same old "there is something about you" crap time and time again.

Look youve seen who he is, he even told you who he is (in spite of his relentless pursuit, point is it wasn't a relentless pursuit that lasted or led anywhere), and it sounds like you knew what he was like from his history.

He's extremely unlikely to change, and if he was going to miraculously change for/with you I guess he'd have done it by now.

I'd suspect you being married and unavailable (unless you take the huge step of leaving, which he knows you probably won't unpess he gives you massive encouragement & commitment; which he isn't doing) .... is part of why he's gotten involved with you and keeps getting reinforced.

He sounds like a shagger, and a general wanker ...you need to see past the familiarity and his "good" points and the dysfunctional attachment to recognise that.

You sound like you could do with ongoing counselling about your upbringing.

*getting re-involved

Focus on what you have & improving your situation.

Block him/ change your number/ do what it takes to get him out of your life. He doesn’t really want you, he just enjoys the chase.

You are looking for something that he can’t provide. Perhaps validation? You can explore this in therapy. You can feel validated in other ways.

If it’s the thrill of an affair then try getting kicks through other things- a sport, exercise, sea swimming…?

What Makes you happy? Do more of it.
Go on dates with your husband- arrange it today. Find a way round the reasons not to. Get dressed up, buy ‘questions for couples’ type of cards (or get the questions free online).

You deserve happiness & you can have it. You need to work hard for it though.

What on earth makes you feel ugly? People do get old but do not suddenly get ugly, we all have things about our bodies we would like to improve. Some good counselling would do you the world of good, to get your self confidence up & leave the past behind, where it belongs, make today the beginning of the rest of your life.

You cannot expect another person to make you happy.

You have to be happy with yourself, confident and have self assurance.

This other man is taking that away from you, he is using you but you are relying on him to give you a boost. This man does not care for you wholly, you think he is giving but he is taking away your morality and principals.

It is affecting your concience, you need to end contact with the OM and begin to re build your integrity.
Take the power away from this OM and the hold he has over you, only then can you be your own person.

Whether or not you can re build your marriage is another question, does your husband have any idea about any of this, he may already know.

Thank you all. I really do appreciate the advice even though I am so in the wrong. You are all right - its wanting validation from someone else and having the courage to walk away because its cruel and wrong what I have done. I need to find happiness elsewhere and stop the cycle before I lose everything.

The first part of your post reads as if you are justifying your affair. Your husband, who indeed has his faults as you described, still doesn't deserve this betrayal. You should consider this first.

@ SimoneSimone. Fair point. Thank you.