Dd12 being left out at school.

[Asvan]

Hi everyone,

Background: my DD is currently in year 8, she started high school last year and had two good friends that she would hang around with. One of the girls is a girl that she went to junior school with so they were already very close and the other girl is someone they met at high school and became good friends with. Last year they had no issues and I was happy that my DD had settled in well.

At the beginning of this year my DD came home upset on the first day as she had a slightly different timetable to her two best friends. Most of their core lessons are together but in other subjects my DD is in a separate class. At the time I told her that this didn't really matter and that it would be an opportunity for her to make new friends and that she could still hang out with her two best friends at break and lunch time.

Anyway, over the weekend my DD has been really upset because she feels like the two other girls don't want to be her friend anymore. They don't wait for her at break or lunch time and they talk amongst themselves and leave my DD out of conversations. My DD said she has had to hang around at lunch and break times by herself.

This has really upset me as my DD has been bullied and left out in the past and she thinks the same thing is happening to her again. She has been going to school anxious and upset and I really dont know what to do. I've told her I could speak to the school but my DD thinks that this would upset her friends even more. I've asked my DD if there is anything that may have happened that has caused them to leave her out like this but she said there is nothing.

What can I do in this situation? It's really breaking my heart to see her this upset.

Thanks.

Any idea how I can deal with this please? I've been worried about this all day.

Might be worth looking up resources online to help support your DD in building up her resilience. You can't control what her peers do so best to focus on how you can help your daughter's reactions to it.

Oh gosh this is hard. My eldest DD had a tough start in year 7 so I know how helpless you are feeling.

I'm afraid my best advice was for her to put her game face on and chat/get to know as many other people as possible. That she would have to work on being friendly as that is the best way to make new friends. It did work although she found it extremely hard work to start. Also made her realise that being open and friendly to many people rather than super close with one or two, always meant she had people to hang around with. She does have a great group of friends now.

A quick email to head of year that she's struggling would be appropriate too if you felt like it.

It is very painful seeing your children's feelings being hurt. It is easy to feel heartbroken. Most parents have been through that to some degree. I know I have. The reality is that adolescence is a very tricky time for friendships and year 8 and 9 seem to be particularly turbulent.

You may find some helpful tips at this link:
raisingchildren.net.au/teens/communicating-relationships

In the end, though, it's important not to catastrophise and try not to get too caught up in the emotions of it because if you feel like it's a disaster, your daughter will feel worse not better. I say all this because I was guilty of that with my younger daughter (my older daughter had an easier time socially though not without its bumps and bruises).

I became so anxious to know that she was okay and her feelings weren't being hurt that it became difficult for her to be honest with me. It was much better when I learnt to relax and take a step back and be a support for her hurt feelings but also to take a more positive long-term view. This partly came from realising how common friendship upheaval is at this stage (most adults I know had a pretty difficult time at school socially in those couple of years but we made it through). I can guarantee that your daughter is not alone in feeling left out and overlooked. Probably every single child in her year feels that way some of the time and many of them will feel that way for much of the time.

She will probably feel better if she's able to expand her friendship group a bit. Are there activities at school she can get involved in? It's a way of meeting other students and also will mean she spends less time hanging around alone.

I'm not sure how helpful this is but I might be tempted to try a combination of these

1. Encourage your daughter to engage with the other kids in her class and see if she can make friends with them. It's generally much better for them to have a wide circle of friends, albeit not as close rather than just one or two.
2. Do you know the parents of the other girls? Could you contact them and ask them to talk to their daughters about being kind / see if something has happened.
3. Look at her engaging in after school clubs - she may make friendships that way which can extend into the classroom.
4. Speak to the school and see if they can pair her up with other kids who are looking for friends

Finally, I'm sorry your daughter is struggling. It's hard to watch as a parent.

Gosh this brings back memories. I have 3 DDs and can safely say that little girls can be real bitches to each other. I remember similar scenarios x 3. And it went on into the teens.

It is agony being the parent and feeling powerless - and sending them off every morning knowing what it was going to be like for them. It's grim - you have my sympathy.

I think it might be worth contacting school, not to discuss the other girls, but to raise that she’s anxious and feeling isolated. It might be that her new teachers can make some slight changes to seating plans that would mean she was sat next to particularly friendly/ welcoming kids and she’d start feeling more confident in school.

Hi all,

Thanks for your replies.

I asked my daughter to try and talk to them to try and find out what the problem is but they have been ignoring her and have been whispering amongst themselves etc. I'm just really shocked at their behaviour as they have always come across as caring and sensible girls.

I'm now weighing up the option between either ringing their mums (I have one of their numbers, but I'm not sure how she will react) or ringing the school and telling them to deal with it in an anonymous kind of way so that my daughter doesn't find out it's me that has reported it. I think it may just be a case of getting them together in a room and getting them to talk it out.

It's just been an emotional rollercoaster for my daughter. I've tried not to show her how affected I am by it but it's really getting me down.

It seems like this kind of thing happens to girls in year 8/9 quite regularly. It certainly happened to me. In all honesty I can say if the teachers got us together to 'talk it out it wouldn't have made a blind but of difference and just would have been excruciatingly embarrassing. It took a few weeks but I found some new nicer friends that I stuck with through school and beyond. People change and relationships change and you can't force people to be friendly if they dont want to. Honestly it is absolutely shit and heartbreaking but in my experience there is very little you can do apart from help her ride it out.

Are there lunchtime clubs she can go to? I agree focusing on reliance and coping mechanisms more likely to be successful than trying to get other children to accept keeping the friendship as it was in the past. I have very painful memories of similar happening to me. It is tough but friendship groups do change in those years. I went to lunchtime clubs so I wasn’t hanging around by myself and ended up meeting some lovely people who became friends in them.

I've been through variations of this since my dd was in year 7. Not put in class with kids she knew from Primary, classes swapped round, friends not in same options group. Mine used to volunteer in the library at lunch time and joined the theatre group etc. It does work out in the end. They make new friends. It's so heartbreaking though I know.

Indeed at Secondary school there is nothing teachers can do to sort friendships really. As PP said, it's about learning resilience, and understanding this a short term thing that will be overcome. She will find her people, sometimes it just takes a bit of time.

Yes we had this in year 8 and 9, it was hellish. It resolved in year 10. From our experience....

1. Do not under any circumstances contact the parents.
2. Be there for your dd but don’t be too critical of the other girls as they may be friends again soon.
3. Bolster your own dd confidence. Spend time with them, do nice things with them at weekends. Keep the communication channels open.
4. Only contact school if you are desperate or if there is physical evidence of bullying. Be prepared that they will wade in with both feet even if you ask them not to and it probably won’t help.
5. Encourage friendships in other places eg external clubs.
6. Encourage friendships in activities your dd finds interesting at school and outside school.

It was a very hard time for us, my dd spent many lunch times in the toilets alone. She is/was very resilient though and kept true to herself. 2 of the girls have since apologised to her and one of the parents apologised to me. The main protagonist ended up going off the rails completely and had problems at home as their parents were divorcing.

Update.

So yesterday I spoke to the school after my daughter came home in floods of tears. The girls had been ignoring her even though she made several attempts to speak to them. My Dd has still been wandering around at lunch and break times on her own and has generally been feeling really down.

The school were really lovely about it and said they would speak to the two girls and tell them how my Dd was feeling ask them to be more kind to each other. My Dd said that after they were spoken to, they have been completely ignoring my Dd and have gone and told two other girls that my Dd is a snitch and cant be trusted. My Dd has again come home and is in floods of tears.

I'm completely gutted and now I'm wondering whether I have done the right thing? Have I just made my Dds life even more difficult? It got to the stage where she was happy for me to speak to school about it but I'm now thinking if it was the right thing to do?

I'm even more disappointed with the two girls, who last year were lovely, caring and kind girls. They haven't even apologised to my Dd and are blatantly singling her out.

What do I do next?

Well, it has moved firmly into the bullying zone hasn’t it?
I feel for you. It’s not your fault. Will contacting the school again help? Probably not and they certainly can’t force the girls to be friends with your DD. If the bullying escalated I would contact the school again, but otherwise it might be better to leave it? I don’t know, it’s horrible.
She needs to give up on these girls and try to make friends elsewhere. Join after school clubs. Maybe even ones that aren’t at school, such as Guides.
It depends on your daughter’s personality. Is she fairly confident and good at making friends or does she struggle with that?

No matter how much 'talking to them about being kind' happens you simply can't force people to be friends with and talk to someone else. At this point she needs to seek out other people and try to make friends. She there any lunchtime clubs she could go to to make her feel less lonely at lunchtime, after school or out of school clubs to help her build friendships.

My Dd is a quiet girl and struggled at junior school where she was badly bullied for several years.

I am really scared that this situation is heading in the bullying direction and just dont know what else I can do? My Dd has been sobbing in her room since she came back from school and nothing I say or do will console her.

Should I talk to one of the girls mums? I've met her a few times and she seems nice enough or should I speak to the school again if this continues? I'm feeling like an awful parent at the moment and seeing my Dd like this is really affecting my mental health.

@Lollipop40’s post says it all. It’s very difficult when this happens but also incredibly common. You have to remember hormones are going crazy right now and these girls probably feel pretty ghastly. It is shocking when friends turn on your children but it is so common. You can’t force them to be friends with your daughter. We so often want quick fixes in parenting but the fixes often come slowly.

It was probably a mistake to contact the school but it’s done now. We all make mistakes. There’s so much I’d do differently second time round.

What you need to concentrate on is helping your daughter find alternative ways of spending her time. There must be lunchtime clubs she can join and ways of finding other children to mix with. That needs to be her focus. It’s also worth finding social opportunities for her outside school as these will also build her confidence. And perhaps there are particular skills she would like to learn or pastimes she would like to practise.

These are the things that will help her through this situation and this is what your focus needs to be on. Not trying to control things that you can’t control like the behaviour of other adolescents.

Should I talk to one of the girls mums? I've met her a few times and she seems nice enough or should I speak to the school again if this continues?

In my honest opinion you should do neither. You should of course be sympathetic and understanding of your daughters emotions but at this stage she needs to make new friends at her current school or look at moving school. Like I said before you can't make people be friends with her if they dont want to. Bullying can of course be addressed through the school but not being friends with someone isnt bullying.

Do not speak to the other parent! Raise it with the school again if you need to. It sounds like it’s become bullying and will need to be addressed.

Please help your DD with her resilience, encourage her to speak to other people, etc. Hanging on and hoping that these girls will take her back won’t help anyone. I was your DD, it’s awful, but I think it was worse because my well-meaning Mum kind of encouraged me to persevere with trying to reinitiate quite toxic ‘friendships’, when in reality the writing was on the wall and I needed to move on.

She needs new friends.
Trying to make them be her friend was never going to work.
I would encourage your daughter to seek out new friends.
Contacting a parent will almost certainly make things worse.

“She needs new friends.
Trying to make them be her friend was never going to work.
I would encourage your daughter to seek out new friends.
Contacting a parent will almost certainly make things worse.”

This. There are no quick fixes. At the moment you and she are handing these ex-friends all the power and they’re drunk on it. You need to direct her to school clubs and other activities through which she can build confidence and make new friends.

“I'm feeling like an awful parent at the moment and seeing my Dd like this is really affecting my mental health.”

You’re being too hard on yourself. This situation is not your fault. You’re clearly a very loving and supportive parent which makes you a good parent.

That said: I think you’re becoming over-involved in the emotion of it - which is what I did (as I said upthread). And that doesn’t help your DD. It’s making you reach for quick fixes which won’t work rather than step back and look for ways to build your daughter’s resilience, skills base and confidence. There are fixes for this which long-term will be so much more helpful and sustaining for your DD.

Thanks for all your replies.

I know I come across as over anxious about the situation but when I was in yr8 myself a boy in my year took his own life as a result of bullying.

I will talk to my Dd tonight and encourage her to get involved in more activities at school. It doesnt help that the school that she goes to is quite a small high school with only 100 kids in her year group but I'm hoping things settle down soon for her.

It's very understandable that what you went through in year eight, at such a young and vulnerable age, has caused you lasting trauma. Of course you want to protect DD!

Don't be afraid to be extra kind to her at home, to make it feel like a very safe, warm and nurturing place - snuggle up and watch a favourite film, hot chocolate, bath bombs, whatever would cheer her up, even a little bit. No, it won't fix the school situation, but having a safe haven will help her cope.