Hi,
I’m not quite sure what kind of response I am expecting writing on this, but I’m just looking for a place to write my feelings out and some motherly love.
I am 24 years old and to say I have had a rollercoaster few years is an understatement. I have grown up with a mother with severe PTSD who often heavily relied on alcohol and prescription drugs. When I finished I finished my undergraduate back in 2018 things began to spiral out of control, I moved out today start my MSc but would go home to help my dad out and work at weekends.
I’d recently come out of a relationship but during this time I met my BF. I didn’t think much during the dating phase but it was very quick that we had a lot in common and had great chemistry. As things became worse with my mom, my boyfriend became my rock - he would come visit me at uni (I lived in a house share with locals), support me emotionally, would come pick me up when things were tough at home (we often had police and ambulances come to the house), go on weekends away with each other, came to my MSc graduation with my dad and now his family basically became my new family who I love to pieces.
The last year has been exceptionally hard despite lockdown. My mother passed away the day before lockdown 2 due to MH. My BF has been amazing through all of this and was always by my side from visiting funeral directors to accompanying me and my dad in the private aspects of the funeral. Not long afterwards he asked me to move in and we spent lockdown three together. Things were as good as they could be, I had my days but BF would give so much love and support, he would even write these things down so I could re read them.
However after his first rugby social back this year, BF was incredibly drunk and suddenly became really apologetic that I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t think much to it and slept on it. The next day I asked what was going on and he admitted to drunkenly kissing a girl he knew in a taxi after a night out when we were only a few months official. I was shocked and so upset obviously. I took some time out to go visit my dad back in Scotland to gather my thoughts and not talk to BF. When I came home, he was clearly upset saying things like, ‘all he wants to do is make me happy, he didn’t realise back then how special I was to him etc, and he can’t imagine his life without me etc’. I’m quite emotionally void to chats like this due to my upbringing but I could clearly see how upset he was (not as in I’ve just been caught out upset).
As I said I don’t really know what I am looking for on here but I don’t have many people to ask for advice with. I know a drunken kiss isn’t grand in the large scale of things and I understand the your young and not tied down with a house or kids comments but i have been through this emotional journey with him which makes it harder. I feel so hurt that someone who has been my rock would do this and not tell me (he said he knew what he did was wrong, it was one mistake and didn’t want to throw away what we have).
It’s been a few months since I found out. I delayed my response as his Nan passed away not long after and I wanted there to be no emotion affecting me. Nonetheless, I said I would forgive him once. He had completely changed since we first met, i.e became more caring, down to earth, doesn’t go out after rugby etc and had since gone above and beyond to show me how much I mean to him. But I still feel so broken, like this year has been one thing after another and I get paranoid now if it wasn’t just the once. I’m going through counselling myself now which has reopened all of the wounds from the last few years. I feel as if I have become completely closed in on myself again.
As I am quite an interview person I think I looking for someone to say I’m not being stupid for staying and things will get better cause at the moment I feel horrible and still working from home doesn’t help me at all. Lots of love