What to do about In Laws and no contact?!

[EmmieC]

Okay, this is going to be a long one but I honestly don’t know what to do for the best.

My in laws are something else. I realised very early on that they were very selfish people. If they don’t get their own way they completely lose their shit. They can never admit they’ve done anything wrong and turn it around on whoever they’ve upset.

Lots of things happened when I was pregnant, they were very interfering, they made awful comments to and about me to people but it all escalated after DS was born (he’s 8 months old now). The first thing they said after he was born was “can we tell people?” Which I understand was probably just excitement but that annoyed us. Then I got a text to say “you have to do everything the hard way don’t you?” Because I had to have a c section. My son would have died if I hadn’t. They made me feel like complete shit after he was born, my DH went to their house to talk to them and the reaction was crazy. They were appalling to him so badly that he actually became suicidal, I used to sit with my 8 week old wondering if today would be the day that I’d get a call to say he had taken his life. At this point I decided it was best to cut contact. This was 7 months ago.

Last night I invited them round to try and reconcile a bit so they could have a relationship with DH (they’re his parents after all). As soon as they came in they were shouting at me, turning it around on me. They just wouldn’t take any blame, not an apology or anything. Then they decided to say it was our fault MIL was so depressed. Normally I’d be very sympathetic but this is brought up every single time she’s upset someone and they confront her about it. They didn’t care about DH struggling mental health.

All I can think now is that I have made a huge mistake. I want DH to have a relationship with his family but I’m not sure I want my DS around that kind of behaviour. I really don’t know what to do for the best.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and can offer advice?

Stop interfering between your partner and his family.

Honestly just cut out contact, sounds like your DH knows how damaging they are and he’s happy to not contact them at all. From the post it sounds like you’re trying to make peace ‘because they’re his parents’. But really, if they can’t be arsed contacting you it’s probably better that you don’t have a relationship with them

I can't understand why them asking if they can tell people annoyed you so much. I'm wondering how much is them and how much is you being difficult.

But as previously said butt out of the relationship between your partner and his parents

Cut contact and leave it to your DH to take forward if/when he wants to try and sort the relationship. Your child doesn’t have to have a relationship with these people

@Wtfdoipick

I can't understand why them asking if they can tell people annoyed you so much. I'm wondering how much is them and how much is you being difficult.

But as previously said butt out of the relationship between your partner and his parents

I wondered about that. Wouldn't it be more annoying if they just went and told everyone without checking.

I'm not sure I'd take the "you do everything the hard way" as criticism either, I suppose it depends how its said but I think I'd feel they were sympathising.

Why do you want your DH to have a relationship with his family?. Think about this a lot more. Its really up to him to decide and he has known them a lot longer than you have. Not all relations are nice and emotionally healthy and some of them like your DH's parents are abusive.

If relatives or parents are too toxic/difficult/batshit for YOU to deal with its the same deal for your child too. Leave his parents to it; your mistake here was to invite them around in the first place (was this also at your DHs behest?). It was never going to work out well given their past behaviours towards both you and he. These people do not and will not play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations; that goes right out the window. Not apologising nor accepting any real responsibility for their actions is also par for the course with such people.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward as this could also help you. If your own parents are nice see them.

@EmmieC this sounds exactly like my family. I went through so much during my pregnancy with my first because of them wanting to make all of the decisions that DH and I should've been making. Combine that with 'D'F being a complete narcissist, I was depressed for a long time after having DC1. I've been NC for the past 5ish years. I felt guilty at first but I reminded myself that I was doing it for the sake of my marriage, as well as my mental health, and so that my DC didn't grow up in that kind of environment. I've recently gotten in contact with DM again but it's only a once a month video call and anything I don't want to involve them in, I don't.
You can go NC contact with them and leave it to DH to decide if he wants to keep contact with them.

Is there more to it than them asking of they can tell people the baby had been born? Because on the face of it, it's much better than plastering it all over Facebook before you'd told anyone, and seems like the right thing to do?

The you have to do things the hard way is an odd comment, I agree, but again, not the most toxic thing someone can say either.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I’m not too sure, I suppose I feel guilty that this all happened from when I fell pregnant. He had a relationship with them before that and I just don’t want him to regret it later in life. He has a brother who has been no contact for years.

I do have family but just my Dad so maybe I felt guilty that my son wouldn’t have grandparents and would miss out on what other children were doing. I know what I need to do thinking about it now. Thank you for your comment :)

@JuneOsborne yes, there’s obviously more to it but there were lots of little comments that pissed us off and perhaps by that point we had had enough. The comment about the c section probably doesn’t sound that bad but it was followed by FIL telling us he didn’t care that DS nearly died, all he cared about was MIL.

@Wtfdoipick I’m not “butting in” I asked him what HE wanted to do. I haven’t been difficult, I never even said anything back to them until they treated partner so poorly.

Ok, well whenever people fall out, it can sound dead petty to others and that can mean other people don't get it. Sounds like what's going on here.

In some ways, or doesn't matter who said what, it matters that you're both pissed off. Whether you or they were the unreasonable ones is neither here nor there if you would prefer to be non contact. You don't need other people's permission to do that, you just need to agree with your DH about how to move forward.

If being low, or no contact is right for you, then do it.

I'd also take a back seat here. It's hard when someone criticises your family, even if they're the ones in the wrong. I'd just support your DH.

There's nothing like a new baby, wedding, funeral or life event to light the touch paper.

I would've assumed them asking if they could tell people was them being courteous and the comment about doing things the hard way was meant as a joke. Could it all have been one big misunderstanding?

Hi OP

The 'can we tell people' probably needs a bit of context as that doesn't make sense. But from the other information you gave I can totally understand.

I gave up with my in laws 6 years ago and went NC and left DH to make his own decisions because at the end of the day its his family and although his mum is truly emotionally abusive his other family members are not and it gets very tricky.

The issue is with any children. The biggest problem I had is that she tried to use my children as weapons to guilt trip and manipulate etc. Passive aggressive people don't just shrug, give up and get on with their lives, they will use whatever they can to regain control. So you have to protect your children from them, this will go nuclear and it will get very stressful.

Another problem with NC is that you should not talk about them with your OH, because then you are not strictly NC and still getting dragged into any drama (mentally or in reality). NC means they no longer exists and you get on with your happy lives. This is easier said than done when your OH is still in contact with them and probably being manipulated and guilt tripped.

This is not to put you off but just to warn you that NC is not always that easy and you have to be very strict with your boundaries to make it work. It puts a huge strain on a marriage and you have to be rock solid and singing from the same hymn sheet.

Hope that helps a little.

I dont think you are wrong wanting your dh and child to have a relationship with the inlaws. But you offered an olive branch which backfired so maybe its time to leave it for a while. I'd concentrate on helping your DH with his mental health and see how things go. If he's strong enough and wants to try again with his parents then be supportive but basically leave it to him to decide what to do

I think stay well out of it. Your DH may have reasons for not wanting a relationship with them which he hasn't told you about.

The bits of text you quoted from them don't sound bad to me fwiw. But I think context and tone is everything.

Yes the “Can we tell people” bit bothered me. Made me wonder if you might get easily upset although shouting etc doesn’t sound good.

Is them asking if they could tell people they had a new grandchild a good example of their unreasonable behaviour? Because that isn't at all unreasonable. It's normal and polite behaviour.

Ditto the 'you have to do everything the hard way' comment I would have taken as a joke you'd have with someone close to you.

I'm guessing there must be other stuff that was much worse than these examples (and you have expanded on them in your recent post), but could there be an element of misunderstand as well?

It isn't always the case that one party is totally wrong and one titally right.

All that said, these are your DH parents and if he wants a r'ship with them it's for him to work on that. You can choose to avoid them if you'd rather. If they are genuinely nasty people then why would you want your DC to have a r'ship with them anyway?

The two examples you've chosen are
a) asking if they could tell people about the birth and
b) saying you have to do things the hard way.

To me thats them
a) being polite and
b) clearly making a joke.

Then they made your dh suicidal and came into your house and - out of the blue - started shouting at you. For no reason?

What have they actually done wrong op? It doesn't sound like anything based on what you've posted other than you clearly don't like them.

I would leave my husband to sort his own family issues. I honestly keep my head out. My IL's would have no respect for me, dont think of my kids at special times in their lives so I defo don't waste time on them. Let them live theirs and I live mine.