How to stay on good terms for sake of DC

[KediNeko]

So I really need advice on how to keep my side of the street clean.

Have been separated from STBXH for nearly three months. DD is four.

My natural inclination is to avoid ever speaking to him ever again. But I know I can’t do that for the sake of DD. She loves her dad and I think it will be better and healthier for her if she has a good relationship with him, and if she sees us get on reasonably well.

My own parents’ divorce was a total shitshow. It really affected me. So I’ve had a real first hand look at how not to do it. But no idea how to do it in a way that isn’t totally destructive.

For all we can’t stay married, I do know STBXH will do his best to make this work too. He wants us to be friends. And that is coming from a good place I feel. I don’t know if friends is realistic but I do think good co-parents on good terms is. So I’d like us to both be able to be at her birthday parties, school events and get on fine.

I am going to group therapy for the issues this brings up for me from my parent’s divorce so I have an outlet for that. It’s mostly fear of abandonment. When that stops I will be able to get a therapist (the group therapy lasts 12 weeks- week hey said doing one to one therapy at the same time can be too much emotionally).

I just don’t know the practical steps of how to be a good co-parent and maintain a good relationship with my ex when all I want to do is cry and hide. I know I need to stay strong. I’m just looking for advice and tips on how to do that day to day.

I just have to give this my best shot and I could really do with some advice on good practice, potential pitfalls etc. I have no real life role models for this.

I haven't been in this situation so feel free to ignore what I say but just as an outsider I feel like being friends is probably not the best idea. Probably better to treat it more like a professional relationship, be polite, be courteous, be firm, but keep a respectable distance when it comes to the personal things, too much involvement in each others personal lives is probably going to cause problems.

Again just an outsider opinion so feel free to ignore.

That was as one of my initial thoughts too Shelddd. I think it needs to be a bit warmer for that. Primarily for DDs sake but also to work in the long term I think it will need to have some positive emotional component.

Maybe the thing is to start in a polite, respectful and compassionate place and see what positive emotions naturally develop in time.

I don’t want our relationship to be too cold/formal as that might affect DD emotionally.

I would say you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Focus on being reasonable and let the rest evolve. There are so many questions you can't answer yet - is your ex going to have more children? Will you have financial problems in a decade? Is you dd studious or rebellious as a teen? Etc etc.

Be reasonable, be fair, be gently honest but don't badmouth him.

It is early days. You are not your parents, many people separate and the children are ok. Good luck with the counseling.

OP you are doing so well, it's not an easy situation and you are working hard on healing. Keeping your side of the road clean is your focus, which is the only part of this within your power.
What a fabulous example to set your DC. 🤗

Don't rush. You can take your time with this, keeping it civil and friendly is a step in the right direction and you can leave the way open to some form of 'friendship', but give yourself space first to heal too. Keep the focus on the kids and you'll be fine.
It may depend on lots of factors, eg the age of your DC, how often they see him, etc. how you manage handovers etc and what works for one person might not fit for another.

I hated my exH, he treated me appallingly, and I was quite damaged by our situation. I really struggled to keep it civil to start with, but with some firm boundaries in place (eg he never ever will be allowed in my house, communication about arrangements is via messages to allow thinking time etc), we are able to get along much better than I would ever have dreamed of.
We had a birthday get together for my DS at the park (neutral place) and I made sure there was a time limit so that there was no question about dragging it out longer than either of us wanted.

Boundaries, reminding myself regularly that this is about DS and the situation NOW, not how it was before, and treating my exH respectfully, in a way I expect him to treat me, seems to work for us. It's a work in progress though, and that's ok.

It's early days and trying to force it when everything is really raw may backfire.

Long term, you may develop a friendship, short term, take your time and give yourself space.

Just be civil and keep your interactions minimal while you're feeling this way.

There's no harm in telling your ex you would like to be friends eventually but need some breathing space to reset first. Think in a time frame of about a year, maybe.

Three months is a ridiculously short time to expect a warm friendship between you. (Also, may lead to confusing incidents of sex, especially if one of you didn't want the break up.)

Give it time!

Just make sure that there is a definite 'distance' emotionally i.e You do not want to share any information beyond what you would tell a stranger at a bus stop....

So no conversations about whether or not you're dating, or if you're going out partying with your friends etc He doesn't need to know anything about how you live your life now that he is an Ex.

Don't ever allow him into your house. Your house is an Ex free zone, always. Allowing him to come in would only 'blur the lines' of your new 'relationship' for yourselves and your DD. You can be 'friendly' at the doorstep.

Don't think too far ahead either. So stop thinking in terms of what things should/will look like in a year. You say you'd like to be able to attend sports days 'together' for your DD ? You're not really considering the whole picture. e.g Will you be happy to stand alongside Ex with his new 'girlfriend' and her 2 kids ?

Think week to week.
Stay civil and polite.
Keep your life private.
Keep your home private.

Allow both yourself and your DD to get used to living alone and parenting alone.
Over time, who knows what type of 'friendship' may emerge, but don't make the lines of your 'new life' living without him 'blurry' by trying to 'be friends', because that's a sure fire way to
1.Make him think he has a 'right' to dictate/comment upon your choices/decisions. He doesn't.

1. Confuse your DD thoroughly about whether her parents have actually split or not.

There's no rush. You're both going to be her parents forever. Take your time to find the right way to do this for all of you.

I agree to just be courteous, he needs to be out of your life other than for the minimum contact needed regarding your child.
I only ever remember once my mum saying something negative in front of me about my dad, he hadn’t paid whatever he should of.
I think that was very good of her after what he did.

I really wish I hadn’t asked given most of these responses. With the exception of @Tiddleypops this is exactly the kind of thing I want to avoid.

My ex and I co-parent.

He hurt me badly, hurt everyone really with his behaviour but I have chosen to put that to one side for the sake of the kids.

I think having a few boundaries is good.

We message a lot, about the kids, but at the beginning it was also quite friendly and there were times when I drew back a bit as we were being too friendly. We are practical - where is the bag of swimming, what will we do for their birthday, can you have them on this date.

But over time I've resisted sharing things like how my day at work has gone, and steer clear of dating convos.

It's possible, but you do have to set some boundaries. Remind yourself every so often that your kids are at the centre of it, and didn't ask for the situation.

Although he's still on the mortgage, we avoid him being in the house too much. I will come in for a cuppa at his sometimesand we will have a catch up about all the things I just told you to avoid but I guess I meant you have to stop the daily stuff, that's gone now and you can replace that with friends and family.

My ex and I get along fine. Mostly I’d say remembering that it’s all about DD that helps. If one of us wants to change a contact arrangement for DDs sake the other will always agree. I involve him in DD stuff (eg inviting him to join me at secondary school tour rather than just letting him make separate arrangements). We speak kindly to one another (sometimes I have my fists clenched when I do so because he irritates the fuck out of me but I don’t let it show). Neither of us is flashy with new partners just to annoy the other person. Basically I treat him with thoughtfulness, kindness and respect as he does for me because at the end of the day that makes our DDs life as easy as possible.

I should add that we aren’t super friendly, we tried but it was all a bit strained - lunch out on Saturday with both of us + kid was uncomfortable. Now we chat kid stuff and the odd bit of family / common friends catch up at the door or at school events. I have a new DP but DD doesn’t need a step dad so I wouldn’t take him to her school stuff, I go with my ex as a fully functional set of co-parents!

Im a step parent so have a outsider view. When i met my husband Dss was 5, they had been divorced for 2 yrs. Divorce was very acrimonious so no communication was face to face, it was all done via text: in the very early days (pre-me) there were some situations where emotions played out infront of DSS, he has vague recollections of those still as we have spoken about it recently, things he thinks he remembered etc (hes now mid-20s). But on the whole, certainly since i came into the mix, all communication in front of him has been amicable, so he completely had no idea that they really didn't like each other much: we were able to go to events together (school plays, parties etc) and we were all very friendly and polite. The most important thing and which was the most fundamental thing for dss is both sides never ever bad mouthed the other. I have to say as the years went on I took over the day to day communication regarding school/hw/holidays etc and this worked really well as me and DH exW get on well, this definitely relieved the pressure and there relationship improved over the years. We have all come together to parent as a united front, where necessary over the years. DSS says he had a great upbringing and was so happy his parents got on which shows you its possible, you don't need to be friends, but you can parent together x

There is no rush to form a friendship. Hopefully it will evolve as time passes.

As others have said a respectful approach shows you working together in the best interest of the children.

Sadly for some nrp don't behave well. Mine stoped paying and contact was sporadic and he was uncontactable for periods. He doesn't deserve my compassion. So it if a very formal relationship because of his actions.

@Getbehindme

My ex and I co-parent.

He hurt me badly, hurt everyone really with his behaviour but I have chosen to put that to one side for the sake of the kids.

I think having a few boundaries is good.

We message a lot, about the kids, but at the beginning it was also quite friendly and there were times when I drew back a bit as we were being too friendly. We are practical - where is the bag of swimming, what will we do for their birthday, can you have them on this date.

But over time I've resisted sharing things like how my day at work has gone, and steer clear of dating convos.

It's possible, but you do have to set some boundaries. Remind yourself every so often that your kids are at the centre of it, and didn't ask for the situation.

Same for me. My ex husband had an affair and absolutely broke my heart. I could barely look at him to start with but our kids were more important than my anger and upset and they didn't ask for any of it so as hard as it was, when he came to pick them up I would just say the bare minimum to him to start with and hand the kids over. As time progressed, we'd say a little more to each other (always about the kids). I never said anything negative about him to or in front of them either.

We are almost 4 years on, divorcing and we co-parent well. We have conversations which are still mostly about the kids but occasionally other things. We do joint Xmas presents as the kids are teenagers now and always want the pricey presents and we always go out as a 4 for their birthdays for dinner. They deserve that as a minimum. It was very difficult to start with as I couldn't bare to be near him but I used strategies such as sitting next to him to that I didn't have to look at him, etc.

It can be done, just take it at your speed and do what feels comfortable for you. All your dc need to see if you and dad not hating each other.

@KediNeko

I really wish I hadn’t asked given most of these responses. With the exception of *@Tiddleypops* this is exactly the kind of thing I want to avoid.

Who instigated the breakup? Have either of you got a new partner? (E.g. was there an OW/OM?) It feels to me like you're not over him. If you were over him, you wouldn't be finding the responses on this thread so hard to read.

@KediNeko

I really wish I hadn’t asked given most of these responses. With the exception of *@Tiddleypops* this is exactly the kind of thing I want to avoid.

Sometimes people who have experience see things differently?

But there's no need to be stroppy about it, just ignore the posts you don't like.

I think it’s perfectly possible to be friends- really depends on why the split up occurred. If it was because of affairs or prostitutes or physical abuse - yes I can see why you might find any friendship impossible— if it’s just falling out of love/grown apart /incompatible habits or sex lives- it’s perfectly doable.