Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Partner won’t help with baby at night

26 replies

alphabetti · 14/09/2021 03:59

Me and my partner have been together 5yrs, have a 9mth baby and I have 2 older children and him 1 son. Things were good until the baby came (she was planned and he really wanted us to have a child together). He was great in first couple weeks but then just refused to help much at night saying he couldn’t as had a job! So I battled through but am back at work now and although ghee sleep did improve we are back to her being a terrible sleeper.

She has formula at nursery but won’t drink much and is breastfed at home so I’m tied to her most of the time. Partner is out of the house 12hrs a day but just says very tired and falls asleep and then refuses to help and if I ask for help he just gets annoyed at me. I WFH still 8.30-5 but so far it’s 3.50 and I’ve been awake since 12. I can’t go on like this I’m exhausted. I tell him I can’t do my job if get hardly any sleep and he says I need to sort her sleep out then as he can’t help as he has an important job!!

I have no other person to give me a break so try on him but at weekends he has excuses of needing to teach a hobby on every other Saturday and every other weekend his son here so says needs to spend time with him as he doesn’t seem him through week.

Probably no point to this but I just don’t know what can do to make him understand I need proper support from him. My mum lives close but is a carer for my mentally ill brother and just says don’t stress her right now so can’t even ask her for help. Partners mother thinks he can do no wrong. All I want is some support and help to make baby sleep as can’t be awake for 4hrs a night and do a days work too.

OP posts:

violetbunny · 14/09/2021 04:36

For starters I would stop referring to it as "help". You're both working, you're equally responsible for parenting your child. Why is it more important for him to have a career than you? And if he isn't pulling his weight then you may as well be doing it on your own. I'd be making that very clear to him, and telling him unless he plans to do his 50% of parenting it's goodbye.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/09/2021 04:44

if he isn't pulling his weight then you may as well be doing it on your own.

This is actually true. As well as not feeling resentful because there's only you to please.

I'm curious about what he said before you got pregnant. Did he say he would be hands on? Did he say he did a lot with his older child. Could you refer him back to those things?

Slidesswingsandtears · 14/09/2021 04:47

Agree with pp. He either steps up or you do it solo and he can have contact, which means you will actually get a break. Do not put up with this utter disrespect.

twinningatlife · 14/09/2021 05:15

If she is breastfed at home how do you expect him to help with night feeds?

What's his "important" job - I guess if he is a brain surgeon or something I can understand why he prioritises his sleep over yours? What did you agree before she was born?

MovingSchmoving · 14/09/2021 05:16

He’s a complete twat
Stop asking for help
Tell him to parent his child just like you do
And whatever happens do not let him convince you that you somehow brought this on yourself by breastfeeding

Flittingaboutagain · 14/09/2021 05:17

Hi OP

I'm breastfeeding my baby and about to swap shifts so for the rest of the night her dad will have her.

Basically your partner is a lazy selfish ass who thinks he and his work are more important than your wellbeing and work!

MovingSchmoving · 14/09/2021 05:17

By stop asking for help I mean he is not “helping” it’s parenting

Pissinthepottyplease · 14/09/2021 05:26

@twinningatlife

If she is breastfed at home how do you expect him to help with night feeds?

What's his "important" job - I guess if he is a brain surgeon or something I can understand why he prioritises his sleep over yours? What did you agree before she was born?

I would assume by trying to give her a bottle of formula. I suspect the only reason the baby didn’t take it at home is because it’s Mum doing the feeding rather than Dad.

Goldbar · 14/09/2021 05:27

Well, this sounds very juvenile, but I'm afraid I'd be turning on all the lights, accidentally on purpose kicking him, dragging the cover off and watching TV or listening to music loudly after sorting the baby. If I wasn't getting any sleep because my partner was refusing to help, I'd make sure he didn't get any either. I also wouldn't be cooking for him, shopping for him, doing laundry for him or anything like that. In short, his life would become very unpleasant until he felt like having a sensible conversation about divisions of labour within the house.

timeisnotaline · 14/09/2021 05:33

Personally I’ve been through this and your options are
-murder him
-tell him it’s his child too, you're a human being and need sleep so you don’t know why he thinks he’s the only human being in the relationship, but if he refuses to consider you human just a robot to parent his child, it’s a deal breaker and he can parent or fuck off. I wish I’d told my partner that much earlier.

PennyWus · 14/09/2021 05:43

@timeisnotaline as well as having a brilliant username, your advice is absolutely spot on perfect.

To the OP, I am really sorry for your situation, exhaustion is brutal. No wonder his ex split up with him, what an a-hole he has proved to be.

When the kids wake up on a weekend morning, say you have a headache from being up all morning and go back to bed.
And stop being helpful in ways that affect him - if you do a lot of the housework (and weirdly I'm gonna guess he isnt pulling his weight there either) then let yourself get behind on laundry, run out of his favourite foods, etc - then say, "oh no I'm so shattered from doing all the nights with the baby, it slipped my mind."

timeisnotaline · 14/09/2021 05:50

And after telling him it’s not ok I’d do exactly as goldbar says! I’m awake, you’re awake, until you agree no one should be awake this much. And I’m too tired to do any housework that benefits you. What’s for dinner? Oh baby and I ate, you’re on your own. I’d usually clean some toys up but I’m going straight to bed as soon as baby is down so I’m exhausted.

updownroundandround · 14/09/2021 06:19

Totally agree it's not bloody 'help' you need, it's for him to begin to 'parent' ffs !

Definitely agree that you should make damn sure he's kept awake as long as you are ! Every...single....night !

And when he says, I'm too tired to cook/clean/shop, then you say me too and sit your arse down !!

Copy whatever he does i.e he goes out doing 'sport' stuff every other Sat ? Then you go out, leaving him with the baby every second Sat for the same amount of time ! (Even if you just bugger off to a friends house) He needs alone time with his son ? That's fine, but you get the same amount of hours to spend alone with your other 2 kids, to go and do fun stuff without the baby ! (Because quality time is necessary for all the kids ffs, regardless if you live with them or not !)

When he asks you 'When will supper be ?' tell him 'whenever you've made it I suppose....' or 'The kids and I have already eaten thanks'

When he needs clean clothes for his ''big important job' and hasn't got any ? Say 'I was too tired to do any washing' (and when you do any laundry, make damn sure his clothes aren't washed or ironed !!)

Just stop doing any of his washing/cooking/cleaning/shopping etc ! And every....single....time he asks 'why not' just ....keep....saying....because I am TOO FUCKING TIRED !!!!

Once his comfortable life is disrupted enough so that he is suffering every....single....day....the same way YOU are, you can ask him if he 'understands' what you have been going through for the last 7 months ! If so, is he now prepared to actually be a proper parent now ? Or will you and the kids be leaving him ??

category12 · 14/09/2021 06:20

Tell him he steps up or he's out the door.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/09/2021 07:28

Everything pps have said, about making his life uncomfortable.

How dare he?

layladomino · 14/09/2021 08:07

This is a really serious issue with long term implications. It isn't 'just' about the inequality and your wellbeing (which are both hugely important) but it also shows what he thinks about you and him and your places in the relationship.

He sees that baby stuff is your job. His paid work is more important than yours. He doesn't mind if you're exhausted and unwell.

Those views won't just impact you when you have a baby, but throughout life.

I echo what pp have said. Don't let him get away with this. Spell it out to him that he is an equal parent to this child with an equal duty to care for them. If he can't step up then you will reevaluate your whole r'ship as he is showing a shocking lack of care and respect for you.

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/09/2021 08:22

I agree you'd be better of parenting solo. You basically are anyway and you'd have one less child to look after, plus a proper break when your partner has your baby EOW.

My ex was good when the kids were little but the constand asking ("nagging" apparently) to get him to do stuff around the house was draining. I didn't realise quite how much until we separated. I now know I only have myself to get stuff done so I do it without resentment.

Rainbowpurple · 14/09/2021 08:46

I have a terrible sleeper too and was awake most of the night last night so feel your pain.... It is so hard and exhausting and I can't even think straight a lot of times.

As other posters said, don't ask for help to parent his child. Sometimes you need to take a drastic measures to make him realise what you have been doing. I agree with keeping him awake, do whatever it takes to make a noise to keep him up at night to see how it affects his day next day. Then, just a check in a hotel one night over the weekend and go and have a sleep. Baby will be fine, and dad will also be fine to look after the baby all night.

Stand on your firm ground and tell him he needs to parent his child otherwise he is out.

Good luck.

Pebbledashery · 14/09/2021 08:53

My ex was like this.. Just because he had a manual job and I worked in an office his need to sleep suddenly trumped mine.. Needless to say I was totally better off on my own. My DD is an excellent sleeper now and I get my full 6 hours most nights when I'm not stressed out about other life stuff. It's not help. It's equal parenting.

WTF475878237NC · 14/09/2021 09:26

You could express breast milk for an overnight bottle if YOU want to but a supportive partner would be able to help with the nights without you expressing by taking baby off you, burping baby and settling baby after each feed so you can go back to sleep.

This has nothing to do with you breastfeeding. He just can't be bothered.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/09/2021 09:32

My ex was like this too. Totally destroyed any love for him (although there were other reasons) because how can you love someone who doesn’t care about your well-being?

timeisnotaline · 14/09/2021 10:28

@twinningatlife

If she is breastfed at home how do you expect him to help with night feeds?

What's his "important" job - I guess if he is a brain surgeon or something I can understand why he prioritises his sleep over yours? What did you agree before she was born?

Many babies wake a lot more than they need feeding. So you can feed the baby and hand them to dp to spend the next hour settling them, under orders not to wake you for 2 hours (or 3 depending on babies age and feed patterns). There’s a lot of exhausting settling baby and changing nappy and walking up and down and none of those need you to lactate to do them.

Goldbar · 14/09/2021 12:07

Besides, by 9 months, many people can breastfeed half-asleep anyway. So if your partner brings you the baby and changes them if necessary and puts them back to bed afterwards, you hardly have to wake up.

Original poster

alphabetti · 14/09/2021 13:11

Thank you all for taking the time to get back to me. She finally slept 4-7. Haven’t spoke to him much as he leaves for work 6.15am but told him I asked for advice on a parenting site and the result was he was being selfish!! He says he will try harder but we will see.

Him and his ex were not really together when his son was born and she continued living with her mum so he has no experience of the sleepless nights. When we were discussing whether to have a baby he was saying he wanted to experience it all even sleepless nights but think he thought all he had to do was help on his paternity 2weeks then job done.

He’s a teacher so yeah I get why he says it’s important to be rested but I said the parents will just think you’re a bastard and won’t want you near their kids haha

OP posts:

Kop · 24/02/2024 01:57

What if he says as he’s paying the bills he doesn’t need to help ?? Is this right !?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread