He's checked out hasn't he?

[Bassetlover]

This is my first post so please be kind. Sorry for the long post. I've been married to my DH for 11 years. We don't have kids and married late.

I thought things were good in our marriage but about 6 years ago I discovered he was sexting someone he'd met online. I don't think they'd met IRL. He promised me that he had ended it but I have to admit it has affected my trust in him.

About 3 years ago I started the menopause and my libido basically disappeared. He told me he would cope with this but about 2 years ago he stopped being affectionate with me, turning his back to me in bed, no cuddling, rarely kisses me, etc. Our sex life has been zero since then.

Lockdown with us both working from home has not helped us, I have really struggled with being at home so much. We barely talk to each other now.

About 6 months ago a woman started working with him. He started having mentionitis which of course, made me suspicious. Then he decided he needed to get out more and make more friends and started meeting this woman for coffee. He started taking more care of himself and then told me he was unhappy as our relationship was not satisfying him, I was cold and unaffectionate and we didn't talk any more. Well you can see where this is going can't you?

He recently admitted that if she had been interested in an affair, he would have gone for it but she had rejected him. He is saying things like he doesn't know what to do with our relationship and "How did we get here?"

He doesn't bother to do much around the house, despite the fact we both work full time and does no life admin either. He's called me lazy a couple of times which I find really hurtful.

I feel he has checked out of the marriage and that he's keeping me as a place holder until he finds someone else who is interested and that he wants to end things but doesn't want to be the bad guy.

We talked yesterday and I told him he needed to make a decision about what he wants to do. After alot of prevaricating he suggested couples counselling and re-evaluate in 3 months.

It's over isn't it? Should I stick with it and go for the counselling or just end it? I feel so lonely. I just don't know what to do for the best.

I couldn't be doing with that level of discourtesy, uncertainty & just plain nastiness.

I'd go with the couples counselling for sure, even if it only ends in closure.

He sounds like he's checked out of life, not just your relationship. You probably both need a kick up the arse (you communication is poor), but him an especially hard one, as he's the lazy one.

He propositioned someone for an affair akd admits he would have gone through with it had she wanted to. What on earth makes you want to stick with him!

Why can't you make the decision about what you want for your life? He'll stay until he finds someone who'll have him because it's easier not because he wants to be there.

Think about what you want. If you could find a way back to a healthy, communicating marriage with this man, would you want to? Or has the trust gone for good?

I think I would go to counselling, see how I feel, and how much effort he is willing to put in, and then take a view in three months.

In the interim are you still doing things for him? Hed be washing his own clothes, shopping for and cooking dinner 3-4 nights a week in my house and cleaning a bathroom regularly.

Did he ever check into the relationship?

Sounds like you're the one hanging on. Why ask him what he wants to do with your relationship? Sorry if I sound cruel. But you have to be cruel to be kind. You sound like you need more self respect and respect from him. You make the decision and get out for your own mental health. You sound like you're living with a corpse. Find someone who makes you feel beautiful. What sort of partner tell his wife about having an affair. You're not his therapist or mother.

Thanks for the feedback. It's really helpful to get some fresh perspectives.
No I'm not doing everything for him, he cooks 6 nights a wek because he enjoys it but everything else I have to ask him to do. I'm tired of it.
I guess I feel that I should'nt just give up on my marriage without trying something, which is why I agreed to counselling but in my heart of hearts I have lost respect for him and am not sure if I love him anymore.

It sounds like it’s over and you would be happier without him- from what you describe then it sounds as if the relationship died a long time ago. If there is no love, trust or respect left then what is there?

Maybe go to the counselling as an opportunity to end things in a healthy way? Other than that I would be making plans for all the amazing things you’re going to do when you don’t have the weight of a failing marriage hanging around your neck.

The problem is if he has checked out
He has checked out
So counselling won’t change that

However you might want to try and fix it before YOU dump him
That’s your decision my dear

Have you told him that you have lost respect for him and you are not sure if you actually even love him? If you haven't then its him thinking he's holding all the cards and is saying let's give counselling a go to see how he feels. If you have told him this is how you are feeling and he in turn has told you how he is feeling, and he has suggested marriage counselling, then to me that indicates that he is also not quite ready to give up on your marriage and wants to give it once last try.

To be honest getting anything out of him is like getting blood out of a stone. I have told him that I have lost respect but not that I'm not sure whether I love him as that realisation dawned on me as I was writing the post. His suggestion of counselling came as a result of me pushing him to give me something more than saying " I don't know what to do about our marriage" and seeming to want to push me into making a decision. I suspect he wants out but doesn't want to be the guilty party and end it.

Don't hand him the decisions

Tell him what you want

Personally I would ask for a divorce

Why you've left the decision to him is beyond me, and you should have left him the first time he was unfaithful. The marriage is dead, set yourself free from this misery.

Thanks again for you advice, deep down I know it's over. I think I'll access counselling for my own benefit and start getting my ducks in a row, save etc then in a couple of months tell him I want out.

You said you caught him sexting 6yrs ago, so that was only 5yrs into the marriage! That's still well within the honeymoon period, especially without the stress of kids, so he sounds like he was a bit of a waste of space from the start. Who cares if he wants to make you the bad guy, you know where you stand, just pull the plug and end it with this deadweight!

When I was 11 my father tried to dump my mother, myself and my two brothers on the other side of the world. Plan failed at the last moment, but he confessed what he tried to do to my mother immediately - like how your husband has openly said he would have had an affair if his 'friend' had been willing. My mother decided to stay with him.

10 very unhappy years later (and if was for the whole family, not just their marriage) he left her for another woman. Their marriage had been over for that whole length of time, past that they were living a complete lie.

Don't waste anymore time with someone who has been so clear about how he would have chosen someone over you.

Thanks @noirchatsdeux, sorry that happened to your family. Everyone's comments have confirmed what I thought deep down. I will start planning to end it on my terms. I want to save some money and get legal advice about our house so I will do that then tell him it's finished.