Anxious about where this is going

[Swishswash88]

Hi, just after some advice really.

I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 months and have been on 7/8 dates, pretty much one a week. We get on really well, we have good sex, I really like him. I just can’t gauge how he feels about me, or if he’s seeing other people. He came to mine at the weekend and his location on tinder changed to 1km away, so he clearly parked up and went online (i only checked it to see if he was still going online, I’ve not been speaking to anyone else since our 2nd date).

He’s not the type to arrange dates with me, I feel like it’s always me to arrange stuff. I just don’t know where this is going and it’s making me anxious that I’m going to get hurt because we want different things.

I feel like if I bring it up I won’t get the answer I want, and I’m scared of being hurt.

Should I send a message or try and bring it up in person, or just ride it out and see what happens?

Why is OLD so hard 😟 thanks

I was in the exact same situation as you (I've made a thread about it) and I decided to ask him in a general way what he's looking for, I didnt relate it to me at all.
Since I sent that message he has ghosted me.

To be honest I'd suggest messaging a similar thing, at least then you'll find out if he's really interested or if he's just stringing you along! You don't want to waste your time. Him not arranging dates is not good.

Why are you giving him all the power here? You don’t have to tiptoe around him because you’re scared of what he might say if you ask. If he tells you he’s on tinder and isn’t that into you then he isn’t the right man for you, so why would you keep dating him anyway? Don’t suppress your own needs in an attempt to keep him around. Be clear about what you want and if he won’t give you that, in the bin he goes

I just don’t know where this is going and it’s making me anxious that I’m going to get hurt because we want different things.

It's better to find out now if you want different things, no? Don't be so passive when it comes to your own life, for goodness sake. Tell him how you feel, what you want, and if that doesn't work for him you can do your separate ways. Why waste time faffing about?

Stop allowing yourself to be led down the garden path while being too scared to ask where the path you're on is going !

By not asking, you're allowing him to have the potential to hurt you !

Ask him where he thinks the relationship might lead. Be honest about what you want. Don't fall into the trap of surrendering your wants/needs/desires just to keep someone who doesn't want the same !

If you want different things, then it's much better to get out early rather than waste time/energy/emotion on someone who won't ever be right for you.

Yes, listen to your anxiety. It is your friend. If this guy is non forthcoming because he is enjoying lots of options and that is not what you want, its time to find out.

Dating is HARD because not only are you possibly taking someone else's heart in your hands, but you are also offering your heart. Your anxiety could be saying, this guy might not be that interested in your heart.

Time to ask. And my bet is, no. Because if you have to ask right? I'm sorry xx

What PPs said. Also, I wouldn't have sex without having the exclusivity talk first. Sorts the wheat from the chaff.

Ok so it's very early days of the dating process, if its making you anxious now I'm leaning towards saying stop dating for a I. It's meat to be fun.
I don't think at this stage you can really low whether it's going to go anywhere it's been 2 months that's less than 70 days so just chill and enjoy. Its not his job to protect you from getting hurt it's yours so it's important you can keep things in perspective while you have some good times and decide whether he has the attributes you're looking for in a partner.

Then, it's worth a discussion with him. Not a text message an open honest conversation. About what he is hoping for and whether it matches what you are hoping for.

Oh an btw from his perspective you're still active on the app too. Saying you're only using it to keep check on him is neither here nor there.

He's just not that into you.

I'd have the conversation face to face if possible. It's not necessarily a yes or no, more whether he's open to the possibility that this could turn into a serious, exclusive relationship even if you're not at that point yet. If he already knows it won't then you're after different things and might as well end it. I get that it's awkward to ask, but if he does feel the same way you do maybe he'll be relieved to talk about it.

I'd personally be uncomfortable, though, being sexually intimate with someone and not knowing if he's also currently intimate with other people. That has to be a question you can ask him without coming across as too serious or moving too fast. It is your business from a health perpective even if you're fine with him seeing other people for now.

He’s not the type to arrange dates with me, I feel like it’s always me to arrange stuff. People often automatically interpret this as a bad sign (he's not that into you or he'd make more of an effort, etc.) but in some cases it's just the personalities involved. If you've fallen into a pattern early on in the relationship where you're making most of the decisions and plans and he's fine with that, it's not necessarily a bad sign. Although if it bothers you that he's not more decisive or assertive, that's an issue.

He should know if he’s met the person for him and want to stop looking on tinder. The fact he’s still on there - I’d be binning home just on that.

Him

I wouldn't get intimate before knowing if the connection was exclusive and off apps, perhaps you should start asking before going to each other's houses.
I think you're in denial that this isn't going the way you hoped and he's taking advantage that you've been quiet about it.

I was exactly were you are now 1 year ago. Met a great guy, met weekly, thought we were headed for a relationship. Noticed he would go on and off tinder/pof. I was still on apps too but increasingly feeling i wanted to stop and focus on him. My feelings for him grew and i just knew i had to have a chat, even tho i kinda knew what would happen. Deep down i knew he wasn't 100% into me, maybe 80% into me but i just had a feeling he wasn't all in. The nights i lay awake at night trying to analyse everything weren't good. So i took a deep breath and text him to ask if it was ok to chat, he said yes...so i called him

I said something along the lines of, hey we have been seeing each other a while now, i feel like coming off all apps and i know i am starting to develop feelings and i want to make sure or ask if you feel the same or is this a waste of my time/energy etc.

Of course i was very nervous and putting myself out there but i wanted to know and also not be made a fool of.

He was completely silent on the phone, he didn't know what to say. It was like an immature response of...ehhh well im shocked at this, didn't think you'd say this blah blah - basically completely minimising my feelings. nothing was really discussed. I came off the phone and the realisation came to me. If he really wanted me he'd have jumped at this conversation and replied positivity. He didn't. My self esteem took a bashing. I'm an independent happy person, decent job, own home etc and couldn't understand why i wasn't good enough? However stupidly i continued to see him, which was basically me doing all the work. Me asking him out until i finally got it into my head that i should really look for more. In the end he ghosted ME, he just stopped replying to my texts. I moved on. Several months later he text again , commenting on my whatsapp profile pic and sending stupid memes to reel me back in. I could now see it for what it was. He just wanted fun and nothing serious. I still to this day do not know why he didn't want anything more, since he did say he wanted a relationship while dating and we got on so well, we did a joint hobby together etc. I'll never know because i'll never ask. I ghosted him back, because unless he actually asked me out i was not interested. Low level texts and memes weren't going to interest me anymore.

He is still on dating apps, my friend matched with him. So he is still out there dating. I kinda pity any girl he dates because i dont think he really wants anything. I've since met someone else and he never makes me wonder, his intentions have been clear from day 1. Second date he told me he had deleted dating apps. i was not left wondering.

Don't be left analysing, just ask the guy and you will save yourself so much time, effort and energy. You know deep down if he wanted a relationship he wouldn't let any opportunity for you to date anyone else happen. Its sad when this happens but don't do this to yourself. Find out now !

I've done alot of tinder dating and I found it's never safe to assume exclusivity or intent to take the relationship further. It's always smart to have the conversation before you catch feelings. It's awkward, sure, but it saves you from so much heartache later on.

I would do it face to face so that you can assess his reaction better. With texts he has time to craft a response carefully to convey just enough interest to keep you on the line. When you put him on the spot during a meeting It's harder for him to do that.

In my current relationship (met on tinder 2 years ago) I asked him after 1-2 months if he was seeing anyone else because i wanted to know we're on the same page. He said something along the lines "do you even need to ask?". We then both deleted our profiles and that was that. When it's the right person it doesn't have to be hard.

I've also been on the other side where the answer was "uhmmm jeez I don't really know what i want and can't say yet if this is leading anywhere". So I thanked him for the honesty and ended it on the spot. I'm too old to be dragged into "situationships" =))

Someone wise once said that the quality of your relationships depends on your willingness to have difficult conversations.

Be brave and rip the bandaid off. Either you get the answer you hope for, or you're free to continue looking for the right one. You won't find him if you get stuck for ages on all these useless committment-phobic dudes.

Sorry op but if he has had sex with you and not told you he wants a relationship - he doesn't want a relationship. He probably doesn't want exclusivity either.

But you should never be afraid to ask where you stand or say what you want.

Stop viewing yourself as a passive observer, here. You seem to be of the mindset that he does what he wants, and your only possible course of action is to get wound up about it internally.

Imagine a super-confident person who was in the same position as you. Can you imagine some other options they might go for?

Sorry but if you're unsure of where something is going that usually means it's going nowhere, especially since you've said he's never really bothered to arrange to see you.

Sounds like he's in a comfortable position: he's secured a regular supply of sex from you and is still able to continue meeting up with other women.

I posted this on @HowNowIsSoon thread and I hope you'll find it helpful (I usually post it on the dating thread hence reference to Mr K who is my boyfriend):

Nowadays the questions you need to ask to establish things are IMHO:

1. Are you on the apps? You may need to expand on this as he may think having a profile but not logging in means he is off it. Also is his profile hidden or deleted?

1. Is he multi dating? Not multi dating doesnt mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend, it just means he isnt dating others?

Does he envisage he wants to multidate now or in the future?

1. Are you exclusive? This is different to the boyfriend/girlfriend question. Is he chatting/flirting/sexting/emotionally or physically intimate with anyone else?

Some people think exclusive is sexual exclusivity but I think sexting others is not an exclusive behaviour.

1. What are you? Casually dating? Going with the flow? Boyfriend/girlfriend?

Lots in between all those too.

1. For further down the line....what do you think is cheating? Years ago I never thought I'd have this conversation with someone but after my husband emotionally cheated I felt I should and so Mr K and I had the chat once we'd had the exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend chat. It was important for me (and him actually) that we had similar views on what constituted cheating and what was acceptable behaviour.

Think about what you want now and in the future and your answers to those questions and then ask him.
If you're intimate already then questions 1 -3 are perfectly fine to ask for now.

Question 4 can come later or if 1 - 3 go well.

Personal feeling: if you have to solicit the opinion of others 7 weeks in, you’re not going to get what you want from this guy.

Dust yourself off, take note of @Fruitandnuts’ experience and take control. This process this early on is meant to be light and fun. If this guy isn’t even making plans to see you I would give him a swerve.

I would stop arranging anything and leave the ball in his court. I think if you ask him you are giving him the power.

Your gut is usually right, and he probably doesnt want anything more serious with you, so now is the time to hold your head up and exit in a cool as f* way.

On to the next!

Thanks all for your advice, appreciate it.

Just a comment for those saying I shouldn’t have slept with him… I’m a 33 year old woman with needs, if I want to sleep with someone (with protection) I will. Having come out of a serious relationship last year I’m entitled to a bit of fun (he’s the first person I have slept with since my ex of 9 years!). I just ended up actually liking him and wanting more. This site is so full of judgement sometimes, not needed when all I’ve asked for is a bit of advice on the situation. Thanks

Not judging you at all, @Swishswash88 !! It's just, like many women, I've experienced similar. We seem to be preconditioned to often develop feelings for men we have sex with. The advice to wait and check out how things are going before making yourself vulnerable is based on wanting to keep you safe and avoid all the anxiety and turmoil you are going through now.

I echo @FlowerArranger You probably wouldn't be feeling as you do if you hadn't had sex. It makes us feel more connected with someone and more 'discarded' if they lose interest. It isn't about judgement. It's about avoiding exactly the situation you are in.

I think after a few weeks it's fine to not know where a relationship is going, but if one person is doing all the running it isn't a great sign. As a pp said, that can sometimes be down to personailities (some people are better planners, some are more happy for people to organise things for them) BUT - even if that's the case - do you want to spend your life with someone who expects you to do all the organising?

I think take a step back for a bit. Don't always be the one to message first. Don't suggest any dates. See what he does. That will tell you how much he's in to you.

I think if you are anxious about his feelings and nervous to bring it up with him, then you know really. He’s not as keen as you are. You need to either walk away or step right back and stop planning things. Sounds like it suits him just fine while he’s getting everything he wants with little effort and no commitment, he may not be so willing to spend time together if he thinks it’s getting serious. In which case you’re better off knowing than letting him waste more of your time.

It’s been 2 months. Quit being passive if you want it to progress.

I don’t understand women just accepting men doing as they please & feeling either too scared or guilty to say what they need/want.

You can do it & hell, you deserve it