My thread HELP has gone.

buttercup1001 · 2021-09-13T20:23:30+00:00

Hello all my thread got closed down will keep u all updated I will give it a break on here but I am making progress on getting my life and him sorted out.

Buggritbuggrit · 13/09/2021 23:10

Your previous thread is still there. If it was removed, it’s been put back up.

It was (and remains) full of information that you don’t seem willing to accept. Have you phoned the police, yet? Are you going to have him removed from your home?

Name99 · 13/09/2021 23:13

Its was closed rather than being removed I think
Just change your locks, ring women's aid throw his stuff out, just get rid of him OP

lynntheyresexpeople · 13/09/2021 23:15

It's been closed to new comments, not removed.

Dery · 13/09/2021 23:17

@buttercup1001 - as PP have said: your old thread is still here but closed to further comments. Good luck in getting away from this dreadful man.

Original poster

buttercup1001 · 14/09/2021 06:04

Ok thanks all how do I find it on here I can't find new comments.

OP posts:

Name99 · 14/09/2021 06:40

You didn't read any of them on the thread anyway, 28 pages of support and advice to get away from him and you said you won't do anything as he is getting better

HalzTangz · 14/09/2021 06:57

OP search your user name your thread is there, however, seeing as you made it clear you favour living with a murderer (as that is what he will become), was more important than yours and your son's life

HalzTangz · 14/09/2021 07:00

@Name99

You didn't read any of them on the thread anyway, 28 pages of support and advice to get away from him and you said you won't do anything as he is getting better

She seems to think someone strangling someone twice is someone getting better.

Yet the whole world knows that he isn't getting better at all.

I just can't get my head round why a mother would choose a violent man over her kid, which is what the OP did. She was warned from the outset this man is violet but chose that life

givinglessfucksdaily · 14/09/2021 07:54

Buttercup - you can't sort him out

The only thing you need to sort out is making sure your son stays with his father and reporting this evil monster who has 5 mins of being nice once in a while to the police
Before it's too late
1- you may lose access to your son
2- you may lose your life
3 - your son may lose his life
4- you could accept the truth and engage with all authorities to protect 1-3

What will it be ?

IfIHadAHeart · 14/09/2021 08:24

I don’t know what help you’re expecting. The fact that you have quite clearly chosen a violent, drug using cretin of a man over your son says it all really.
You can make all the excuses in the world (and his behaviour is disgusting obviously) but you are choosing not to make your son your priority. Shameful.

velvetpeach · 14/09/2021 08:32

So what "progress" are you making? You just wilfully ignored all the help and support you were getting which is actually insulting to everyone posting advice in good faith.

You clearly have no intention of leaving this man, and you have chosen a life of fear with him over your innocent child.

At least be honest with yourself and your son's father that that is the choice you are making, so steps can be taken to make sure you aren't allowed near your son.

YOU are endangering your own child. Own that.

KihoBebiluPute · 14/09/2021 08:38

Link to previous thread

Everyone needs to stop posting the same stuff over and over. It's clearly not making any difference.

Jonjojobs123 · 14/09/2021 08:40

Do you know that people living with domestic abuse will on average seek help 5 times before they eventually take the help and facilitate the end of the relationship. I would seem all you guys have offered advice and information on what she should do. If she's not taking it now don't be cross or angry with her its a known fact that it is incredibly difficult to end an abusive relationship for many practical reasons but for every practical reason that a solution can be offered for there will be 10 unpractical reasons that are in the victims head. Just keep faith that all the practical advice you have offered up is still here for her to look at and hope that one day she is strong enough to take it.

Pebbledashery · 14/09/2021 08:41

Please don't keep posting threads if you are willing to listen and take advice. It's people like you that frustrate the life out of me. Nothing changes until you help yourself.

PascowV · 14/09/2021 08:46

Put your son before this man op.

Your son will remember when he is an adult that you chose an abusive woman beater over him.

How do you think that will feel?

Chillyjellytotty · 14/09/2021 08:53

You are in a terrible situation, you need to leave (get him to leave). You are worth more than the fear, the worry, the physical violence, the mid games, the restrictions to seeing your son.
I hope you have seen a doctor?

Dery · 14/09/2021 09:00

"Do you know that people living with domestic abuse will on average seek help 5 times before they eventually take the help and facilitate the end of the relationship. I would seem all you guys have offered advice and information on what she should do. If she's not taking it now don't be cross or angry with her its a known fact that it is incredibly difficult to end an abusive relationship for many practical reasons but for every practical reason that a solution can be offered for there will be 10 unpractical reasons that are in the victims head. Just keep faith that all the practical advice you have offered up is still here for her to look at and hope that one day she is strong enough to take it."

This with bells on. If OP's story is true, she's extremely vulnerable and seriously damaged by the abuse she has been suffering. She is a victim of crime on an ongoing basis and worse - she's living at the crime scene with the criminal.

The old thread was a very difficult read and very troubling but you won't help her escape the situation by heaping further abuse on her. That is not how you help abuse victims.

And please do NOT tell OP not to post. It may be advice on this thread which helps the OP get out of this horrendous situation. Careful and caring advice is what will get her there. Not abuse.

By judging and heaping abuse on her, you're giving her a foretaste of the reception she is fearing if she does open up to her family and to the authorities. You are making it harder for her to take action not easier.

Cleverpolly3 · 14/09/2021 09:42

@Jonjojobs123

Do you know that people living with domestic abuse will on average seek help 5 times before they eventually take the help and facilitate the end of the relationship. I would seem all you guys have offered advice and information on what she should do. If she's not taking it now don't be cross or angry with her its a known fact that it is incredibly difficult to end an abusive relationship for many practical reasons but for every practical reason that a solution can be offered for there will be 10 unpractical reasons that are in the victims head. Just keep faith that all the practical advice you have offered up is still here for her to look at and hope that one day she is strong enough to take it.

Several people - myself included - have lived what you describe. We have been there.

The OP has a very precarious situation but the fact is she is not financially dependent upon this man. They don’t live together he has a hostel place but he has inveigled himself into her house. They don’t have kids together. Take those three huge empowering factors for abusers out of the equation she actually stands a chance and needs help to make informed choices about any future relationships she has. There is support to have help to remove him form her home as he has no rights. There is help to obtain emergency injunctions. There is help in the form of domestic abuse organisations and services to rebuild your self esteem and judgment. To help you understand this was never about you or your shortcomings but that other person.

In many ways she can cut this person out of her life. I wish it had been that easy for me.

Add into the equation he is sabotaging ANY chance of a life with her actual child.

She has lived this life for over three years now or thereabouts. Some point soon with things the way they look to be heading this fork in the road will come and she will either turn herself or it will be done for her. Either by being seriously injured or killed by him or something involving her child.

The involvement of the authorities is necessary and inevitable

@buttercup1001

You can’t do this alone
That doesn’t make you a failure
Many people who can help you will know you need it already.

Beelzebop · 14/09/2021 09:49

I hope you are ok op? Please talk through your options with one of the helplines, Shout for instance if you dont want to talk to anyone.

Name99 · 14/09/2021 10:02

I understand completely how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship.
In the majority of the cases where women like I did struggle to leave these situations, joint finances, shared children are involved
This disgusting human doesn't live with her, he has numerous convictions which have resulted in her pretty much losing access to her child.
Most cases were women are struggling to leave are desperate to hold a family unit together, the police and social services have told her that he can't be near her son, she has decided to put this man over that request and chosen him
That's where my frustration and a lot of other posters frustration is coming from
She's not holding onto an abusive relationship on the deluded view ( which I was guilty of) to try protect her son.
She has chosen this. Even if he wasn't abusive to her the warning was there from authorities if she had a relationship with him she would lose proper access to her son
She made a choice to do that, it isn't a long term relationship that became abusive and she was In too deep with shared children in the mix.
She knew he was a waste of space with a conviction for hurting a child and chose him over her son at that point and won't protect and priotise him even if she doesn't care about herself.

Pebbledashery · 14/09/2021 10:06

Nothing changes until you decide it does op. Take it from someone who has escaped horrific physical and mental abuse.. My ex made a complete mess of my face and it took that for me to decide enough was enough. You need the support of all the agencies. Please know you're worth more than this life. Nobody deserves abuse.

MNHQ

MichaelMumsnet · 14/09/2021 10:31

Hi all. We closed the last thread because it wasn't really helping anyone.
Here's a link to it.
And OP - here's a link to our Domestic violence webguide we hope it's useful for you.
We'll close this second thread now.