Effects of alcohol on verbal abuse?

[DuchessOfDisaster]

Just been chatting with a friend and she has been talking about her friend, who I do know but not that well, who is married to an alcoholic. He regularly verbally abuses her and says terrible things.

I posted about my own relationship at the weekend - thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4346524-Looking-to-end-relationship?msgid=110715952#110715952

and it got me to thinking. The man I posted about, (I'm not calling him my partner, as I am ending it) does like a drink. He's not alcohol dependent, but he does drink a lot. My friend reckoned that alcohol is the cause of the verbal abuse in her mate's case, and I wondered if it was in mine, too. Not that he was drunk when he was doing these things, but just thinking that alcohol has that effect on the brain that it affects cognitive function when not drinking.

Any thoughts on if this is the case?

I'm not looking for an excuse to stay with him, as I am getting out regardless, but simply following up this possibility.

Thanks.

Abuse is abuse

So an abuser might have a few cherries 🍒 on his cake
Addiction , gambling , cheating etc

But in addition to alcohol , not because of

That’s what they taught me on the freedom programme !

Is I knew I abused someone when I drank, I'd be so mortified I'd never drink again.

Abusers often use alchohol as an excuse to abuse though. And the abused party is so beaten down and trained that they look for any reason to excuse abuse unfortunately.

*If i

Someone somewhere may have done a scientific study in to the links between alcohol abuse and verbal abuse, and it may prove it's more likely when fuelled by alcohol. But it isn't an excuse. The abuse is just as real. If you know you become abusive when drunk, then continue drinking to excess, you are choosing to be abusive.

Abuse is abuse. There is no acceptable excuse.

@layladomino

Someone somewhere may have done a scientific study in to the links between alcohol abuse and verbal abuse, and it may prove it's more likely when fuelled by alcohol. But it isn't an excuse. The abuse is just as real. If you know you become abusive when drunk, then continue drinking to excess, you are choosing to be abusive.

Abuse is abuse. There is no acceptable excuse.

The point my friend was making was that she thought it possible that excessive consumption of alcohol damages someone's brain and/or thought processes so that even when sober they tend to become abusive.

I once had a DP who insisted he was a "happy drunk". I pointed out to him that he regularly spent up to 7 hours berating me for various issues he had with me (e.g. male fb friends liking photos of my cats🙄) so the evidence suggested otherwise. He'd drink every night. Hed usually turn on me (verbally) after 5 pints. He'd often get upwards of 10 pints on a weekend but usually couldn't string a sentence together by then.

@torquewench

I once had a DP who insisted he was a "happy drunk". I pointed out to him that he regularly spent up to 7 hours berating me for various issues he had with me (e.g. male fb friends liking photos of my cats🙄) so the evidence suggested otherwise. He'd drink every night. Hed usually turn on me (verbally) after 5 pints. He'd often get upwards of 10 pints on a weekend but usually couldn't string a sentence together by then.

Did he get like this when he was sober? In my case the foul mouthed verbal abuse came about after a few drinks when I'd challenged him about picking and griping, which he did when sober.

There is nothing chemical in alcohol that changes a person into an abuser.
Many people drink to excess and do not become abusive.
An abusive person just uses the excuse of alcohol to abuse another.
I bet they don’t abuse everyone they come across when under the influence which proves that they are able to control themselves. They choose who to abuse even when drunk.

The point my friend was making was that she thought it possible that excessive consumption of alcohol damages someone's brain and/or thought processes so that even when sober they tend to become abusive.

Through what biological process exactly? Is she picturing the alcohol swishing around in his brain messing connections up like a junction box on a railway being messed with?

This sounds like junk science to make abuse feel more palatable to her.

Advanced liver disease (which can be alcohol related or not alcohol related ) can cause encephalopathy, but that's a totally different thing.

Plenty of abusers plan their abuse then start drinking so they can blame it on the alcohol as a get out of jail card.

Let's not facilitate that.

@marioduck in the past when she has talked about this man, her friend's husband, she has said he is a "nice bloke". I've told her that no he isn't, he's an arsehole. He's addicted to fags and booze and verbally abuses his wife.

Yeah, he could be. The verbal onslaught would start after about 5 pints, so I'd just go to bed to get out of the way as that was the night written off. He'd carry in where he left off in the morning, usually until I'd had enough and went home. He'd be like a dog with a bone. He was also quite paranoid, like he had the morning after beer fear, but permanently.

Hmmm not sure about that, sounds like a behavioural problem more than cognitive.

From bits I've read cognitive impairment can occur as a result of heavy drinking, including problems with verbal fluency and verbal learning, processing speed, working memory, attention, problem solving, spatial processing, and impulsivity.

Perhaps impulsivity can lead to a short temper but it's a stretch imo

It doesn't matter.

The effect of being abused is the same however the cause of the abuse is rationalised. Intention isn't magic.

Alcohol brings out the worst in me, so guess what, I've been teetotal for years.

The choice to keep drinking here is the choice to keep drinking as the excuse for abuse.

Alcohol removes all social barriers in the brain. Same with everyone hence you suddenly love everyone on a night out or you wake up next to a random in horror the next morning.
Nobody decides to get drunk so they can sleep about or verbally abuse someone. The barrier in the brain is no longer working at that point.
Your mate has a communication issue with her fella. He's bottling all his feelings up and they are coming out when his barriers are lowered through alcohol.

@chocolateorangeinhaler

Alcohol removes all social barriers in the brain. Same with everyone hence you suddenly love everyone on a night out or you wake up next to a random in horror the next morning. Nobody decides to get drunk so they can sleep about or verbally abuse someone. The barrier in the brain is no longer working at that point. Your mate has a communication issue with her fella. He's bottling all his feelings up and they are coming out when his barriers are lowered through alcohol.

No, if you know you behave in shitty ways when you're drunk, yet you continue to drink, then it's a choice to behave badly.

Actually heavy drinking does affect the frontal cortex and affect neural pathways (I'm not a brain scientist but have done a lot of reading on this subject). That's the part of the brain that controls impulse control/ social interaction etc. So yes I think a heavy drinker would be more likely to be abusive, on top of that lots of heavy drinkers are basically depressed/ anxious or have other issues that, instead of getting help for, they self - medicate with alcohol. Basically making them a powder keg for abuse or self-harm depending on their base characteristics.
I have certainly witnessed a fair number of people become abusive after a few drinks I'm sure we all have. I still think there is not nearly enough information out the about the affects of alcohol on our brains, physical and mental health. Ultimately though we are all adults and as pp have said if you know that having a drink turns you into an arsehole you should just stop!

Conversely, my ex-narc loved when I'd been out for a few bevvies with the girls. It gave him an opportunity to be abusive and then claim I was so drunk that I don't remember how belligerent I was. As a result, I didn't drink at all for nine years. Didn't stop him being abusive though. I eventually left.

My SIL became very verbose and offensive when she'd drunk too much. I realised she had a problem with alcohol when I found her starting on the wine after the school run a few times. Her dad was an alcoholic so not surprising really.

Lots of holidays and social events were ruined by her going off on one under the influence. She also had sly nasty digs at my DD which I found out about years later . No one, except me, ever challenged her and there was always a horrible atmosphere the next day, either hangover or shame. I am NC with her now, happy about that.

However, I do think it was in her personality. She was very difficult to get along with, very touchy and judgemental. The drink was the catalyst. I have known other people to do the opposite and become sentimental and slushy when drunk. My friend says her dad's aggressiveness is dominant now he has dementia. I suspect these traits are innate.

The point my friend was making was that she thought it possible that excessive consumption of alcohol damages someone's brain and/or thought processes so that even when sober they tend to become abusive

But what difference does it make to anything? Looking into why abusers abuse is often an attempt to remove their guilt, along the lines of 'It's not his fault, he's a nice guy, deep down.'

Are you sure this isn't what your friend's doing?