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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my partner in the wrong?

3 replies

Nervousnellie1 · 13/09/2021 20:08

I've been with my OH for 4 years. We have a 2 year old child together. Since having the baby we have more arguments and bickering. I feel that he doesn't appreciate the things that I do for him, such as making him dinner and doing the majority of the housework due to me working less hours than him. This can lead to us bickering as I don't feel he appreciates it. Sometimes he bites my head of for no reason, for example when he came home from work tonight he'd forgotten to go to the supermarket to pick up milk on his way home as I'd asked him to. Before I could even answer him he bit my head off and I lost my temper as I'm sick of being spoken to like crap. I asked his reason for speaking to me like that and he said it was bc he expected me to be annoyed that he'd forgotten the milk. I wasn't annoyed, I didn't even have time to respond before he spoke to me like that. Im sick of being spoken to like crap. He usually apologies a few hours later and promises to think before he speaks but he just goes back to the way it was. I don't know what to do anymore. I admit that maybe I am a bit of a nag sometimes, but who isn't? I look after our kid as well as juggling a job myself and doing the majority of chores and cooking. OH gets to go out in the evening to play tennis, go for weekends away and I never complain. I also get time away in evenings to see my friends too so that isn't one sided and is fair. But I don't know what else this man could possibly want from me. The way he speaks to me sometimes is so appalling I just leave the room before I get so mad that I burst a blood vessel. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do to make him realise he can't speak to me this way. We have intimacy but I know its not enough for him, but why would I want to have sex with someone who speaks to me like that?! It puts me off him. I'm sorry that this is a bit of a ramble, I guess I just want to find some advice and somebody who has been through similar and can offer advice. Thank you for reading

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/09/2021 20:26

The way he speaks to me sometimes is so appalling I just leave the room before I get so mad that I burst a blood vessel. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do to make him realise he can't speak to me this way.

I've used 3 tactics for this

  1. Speak to him with the same words and tone he uses with me. This tends to escalate the argument and is usually a relationship ender because he realises he can't beat you down, and he's looking for someone to control.
  2. Reply "What the FUCK did you say, cuntyballs?" Use this if you want out.
  3. Be really reasonable, remain calm, examine his words and actions in terms he cannot refute. Eg "You're raising your voice and swearing at me instead of communicating like an adult. Can we have a productive discussion and agree a way forward that works for both of us?"

In all honesty, I can't be arsed with option 3 for romantic partners. I save it for family members.

Thelnebriati · 13/09/2021 20:33

Would you both consider relationship therapy, so you can work on dealing with resentments and improving communication?

Catlover1970 · 15/09/2021 18:42

I would just walk away when he starts. There needs to be consequences - when he tries it on sexually I’d politely refuse and tell him when he starts treating you with respect he might get somewhere

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