Dad just died

[Runaway1]

I don’t know how I feel. He spent a lot of his life angry and unhappy but he enjoyed parts of being a dad when we were in primary. He made wooden toys for me, took me swimming and bike riding. But it was such an angry, u happy home for most of the time after that.

I don’t know how to feel or how to talk about it. I feel the shame that I wasn’t very good at being a daughter.

Sorry, just wanted to put this somewhere.

I'm so sorry. It can be harder losing a parent when your relationship was 'complicated' - your feelings can be harder to untangle.

Even parents who are flawed probably had some good points, and they are still your parent.

There are no rules as to how you should feel. You feel how you feel. Please don't beat yourself up about not being a good daughter. It sounds like your Dad had some issues that made it impossible to have the father / daughter r'ship you would have liked. That isn't your fault.

Do you have anyone you could talk to IRL? Would some counselling help do you think?

💐 Sorry for your loss.

If he was a deeply unhappy man there probably wasn’t anything you could have done to be a ‘better’ daughter. The only person that could have helped him was himself. Please don’t blame yourself.
Grief has its own pathway, go with the flow, give yourself time to process your feelings and then you’ll be alright.

Thank you both for being so kind. I’ve sat with it a bit more now and realised we both did what we could and that was ok. I thought as a teenager I’d never see him again once I left home, but we managed much more of a relationship than that between us and I can be thankful for that.

Everyone's grief is different and I can't offer anything other than sympathy.

Cherish the happy memories, accept that it is a bereavement and you'll feel all sorts of things. It's ok to not feel anything or to feel broken hearted. Reach out to the bereavement threads on here and to bereavement organisations, if it helps.

Look at other kids, and imagine telling them that you don't think they're very good at being a daughter or son. It'll help you to understand how mean you're being to yourself.

He was clearly interested in maintaining a relationship with you, and you with him, so he didn't judge you anything like as harshly as you're doing.

Processing is slow, and grief can be, too. Give yourself lots of time to quietly work through your complex feelings. There's no pressure to get it all sorted or find closure.

Take good care of yourself. It's not easy, what you're going through.

Oh OP, massive hugs.
My Dad died a while ago now but I can relate to what you are saying. Had a troubled relationship with him growing up and he was an alcoholic and was angry. Home life was unhappy too. I get it when you feel as though you weren't a good daughter, I felt the same - as though I didn't work hard enough at having a good relationship with him. But that's not the case. As I get older I see that he was a troubled soul who loved us (6 kids) but really struggled with aspects of parenting. Ok when we were young but it was terrible as we got older.
It's not your fault at all.
Sending you love. It's such a confusing time and often feels like the grief of not having that close relationship when we were at home doesn't go away, just changes. Like you I did have a better relationship with him when I got older and am also so grateful for that.
It's good to talk about it - let yourself feel the good and bad memories too and say whatever you need to say! Take care of yourself OP xxxxxx