Co-dependents anonymous group

[Crumpets123]

Hello,

Has anyone been to a co-dependent support group? After having just got out of a very unhealthy relationship, and working with my counsellor, we have seen a lot of traits in me of co-dependecy and poor boundaries etc. I wondered if anyone had any experience of the support group and what it was like?

I'm worried it will be more focused on those who have been in relationships with those who have an addiction, and that isn't something I can relate to. Mine is more the centering your life around someone, being very dependent on them for validation, obsession, poor boundaries and people pleasing etc.

Thank you for any help!

Hello, I'll join the club!

There is CODA, who used to do groups in cities but I am not sure if that's continued post-Covid.

I've ready the Melody Beattie book which is often recommended but I found it very much centred on addictions.

For me, the Co-dependency for Dummies book was so much better.

I have just escaped a long relationship with someone who was a narcissist- the classic combination. He was controlling & made it difficult for me to leave.

I had some therapy too & it was life-changing for me.

@ProseccoThyme

Hello, I'll join the club!

There is CODA, who used to do groups in cities but I am not sure if that's continued post-Covid.

I've ready the Melody Beattie book which is often recommended but I found it very much centred on addictions.

For me, the Co-dependency for Dummies book was so much better.

I have just escaped a long relationship with someone who was a narcissist- the classic combination. He was controlling & made it difficult for me to leave.

I had some therapy too & it was life-changing for me.

Thank you @proseccothyme I will check out that co-dependency for dummies book!!

Well done for leaving your relationship, I can totally empathise with how much turmoil you must have been in. My ex was not narcissistic or controlling, and always wanted me to have a life outside the relationship, but I just had no interest in doing anything apart from being with them. I do feel my ex heavily benefited from my poor boundaries though and did not listen to me when I would say no regarding certain things...

I've had a look and the groups do seem to be running online, but there are just so many! Women only, mixed, LGBT (I was in a same sex relationship), so I don't even know what one to go for! Probably should just try and choose my local area so that I've already made connections for when it is face to face again? Just have no idea what the group actually involves

Hi OP - another classic co-dependent here too. Like you, I've given up everything for my relationships. Never again.

I separated from my H 3.5 years ago (still live together though), went into another relationship and was heading down the co-dependent path again so broke it off and have been single for over 1.5 years now and loving it.

I've had to tear my childhood apart and face my demons to even be able to try and deal with my co-dependency. I'm working hard on my boundaries now and practising them in every day life until I feel strong enough to even look at dating again.

I am so done being co-dependent, putting my relationship, his needs, his wants, his hobbies etc before my own. I ended up not even knowing who I was, what do I like, what do I need.

I have also read "Co-dependent No More" (okay) and "Conquering Shame and Co-Dependency" (excellent). There are lots of good videos on You Tube too. I keep a journal so I can write thing as they come to me and process them on paper.

It has been an absolutely eye opening experience doing this I have to say. My brain was so messed up in it's thinking and how I approach all relationships in my life. There is no going back for me. Yes I will fall off the horse every now and again but once I recognise it and deal with it I'll be happy.

God help the poor bastard who tries to date me in the future, that's all I can say!! I won't be taking any shite off any man ever again!

Hello to all the other co-dependants!

I forgot to mention Lisa Romano on FB & you-tube - she is excellent.

@FMSucks

Hi OP - another classic co-dependent here too. Like you, I've given up everything for my relationships. Never again.

I separated from my H 3.5 years ago (still live together though), went into another relationship and was heading down the co-dependent path again so broke it off and have been single for over 1.5 years now and loving it.

I've had to tear my childhood apart and face my demons to even be able to try and deal with my co-dependency. I'm working hard on my boundaries now and practising them in every day life until I feel strong enough to even look at dating again.

I am so done being co-dependent, putting my relationship, his needs, his wants, his hobbies etc before my own. I ended up not even knowing who I was, what do I like, what do I need.

I have also read "Co-dependent No More" (okay) and "Conquering Shame and Co-Dependency" (excellent). There are lots of good videos on You Tube too. I keep a journal so I can write thing as they come to me and process them on paper.

It has been an absolutely eye opening experience doing this I have to say. My brain was so messed up in it's thinking and how I approach all relationships in my life. There is no going back for me. Yes I will fall off the horse every now and again but once I recognise it and deal with it I'll be happy.

God help the poor bastard who tries to date me in the future, that's all I can say!! I won't be taking any shite off any man ever again!

Hi @fmsucks

Yes, that totally resonates for me. The giving up everything for relationships. But I do so willingly, I don't care about anything else.

"I am so done being co-dependent, putting my relationship, his needs, his wants, his hobbies etc before my own. I ended up not even knowing who I was, what do I like, what do I need." - YES, in my relationship my partners needs always came first, even though I resented it. I became such a martyr. I didn't enjoy it, so why did I do it? I felt that was the only way to secure their love I suppose. That if I showed them how much I put them first and loved them that they would cherish and appreciate me. I wanted their love so much that I just agreed to things I didn't want, would panic if they spent time away from me doing their own thing, and all the time feeling resentful that I wasn't happy or feeling fulfilled.

It feels so hard to break though, because even though I know that isn't healthy, I still WANT that all consuming relationship. I don't like the idea of us being our own individuals (even though I know that is healthy and what I should want!!)

I will look up the conquering shame book!

Hi op (regular poster but I've named changed for this).

I just wanted to say that I can relate to everything that you have written a 100% - or at least me previously could have done. I haven't been part of a support group, but I have spent a lot of time working with a councillor on and off over the last two years working on my co-dependent traits after leaving my long term partner. I have found that discussing with close friends what I have worked on at counselling has helped, as well as being open with my new partner about my past tendencies.

For background, I was not in a classic co-dependent relationship (no alcohol, substance abuse) but I was the enabler of other unhealthy behaviours due to my co-dependent traits which to the breakdown of the relationships (in essence I was a people-pleasing martyr who didn't voice when I was unhappy with choices, decisions etc but then became increasingly resentful over the years that my partner couldn't SEE what I was doing / would do things for me - rather than me just communicating my needs outright). I was just always worried he would leave me...

As previous posters have said for me it was wrapped up in childhood and most of my sessions have been spent unpicking that and re-establishing boundaries.

I'm not sure if that helps or not, but you're really not alone. I have to say counselling has been nothing short of life-changing for me - I don't really recognise the person I used to be now, but when I'm stressed/tired the traits come creeping back so I tend to do some diary work to check in with myself.

@ecology1989

Hi op (regular poster but I've named changed for this).

I just wanted to say that I can relate to everything that you have written a 100% - or at least me previously could have done. I haven't been part of a support group, but I have spent a lot of time working with a councillor on and off over the last two years working on my co-dependent traits after leaving my long term partner. I have found that discussing with close friends what I have worked on at counselling has helped, as well as being open with my new partner about my past tendencies.

For background, I was not in a classic co-dependent relationship (no alcohol, substance abuse) but I was the enabler of other unhealthy behaviours due to my co-dependent traits which to the breakdown of the relationships (in essence I was a people-pleasing martyr who didn't voice when I was unhappy with choices, decisions etc but then became increasingly resentful over the years that my partner couldn't SEE what I was doing / would do things for me - rather than me just communicating my needs outright). I was just always worried he would leave me...

As previous posters have said for me it was wrapped up in childhood and most of my sessions have been spent unpicking that and re-establishing boundaries.

I'm not sure if that helps or not, but you're really not alone. I have to say counselling has been nothing short of life-changing for me - I don't really recognise the person I used to be now, but when I'm stressed/tired the traits come creeping back so I tend to do some diary work to check in with myself.

Thank you so much @ecology1989 it is really comforting to just know that I'm not alone, and that others feel the same as me, and have worked on themselves and have improved their lives.

Yes, absoloutely. I have such a fear of abandonment and being left consumes me when I'm in a relationship.

My counsellor is really good and specialises in this area so I do feel hopeful that we can do some productive work together, but I know it will be a long road ahead!!!

I always worry that a happy, healthy relationship will just never happen for me.i worry that I am too broken and damaged.

Have you had another relationship since leaving your ex partner? If so, what did you do differently? Or how did you feel different?

First off, I truly believe that no-one is too broken and damaged to have a future relationship, but working (maybe that's not the right phrase) understanding yourself, and what you need is the key to having a future relationship that is loving and lasting – you can have these!
I am now in another, loving and committed relationship - and it is quite the opposite to my previous relationships. I was single for a good 18 months after the breakdown of my previous relationship (we had lived together for 9 years, married for 2 when I left (yes not the usual co-dependent behaviour since I did the leaving in the end).
Through counselling I spend a long time figuring out who "me" actually was - workwise I knew (I have always been independent in that respect and pushed my career) but beyond that I could describe myself as mirroring whoever the other people in the room wanted me to be - I was left confused about what my identity outside of work was - an example I took up the same hobby as my ex-partner, and really loved it, but did I love it to be close to him or because I did (in a previous relationship I became a video gamer... I'm not a gamer!) I guess living alone I had to figure of which aspects of my personality were truly me and which had I moulded to please my ex, but also other friends and family. Once I’d begun to engage with who “me” truly is I began to feel happier and content in myself – it was so lovely to hear my best friend saying that she was beginning to see the true me again.
I then prioritised what I needed from a future relationship and what I was willing to compromise on and what would be outright no’s from me. Through counselling I then understood how to express these things without feeling guilty and / or that I would force someone away from me by expressing my needs. Then I met my current partner and had to put them into practice – yes it was scary at first but actually by saying what I needed or how I felt I was more content for it. I also learned to be open in return and listen to someone else’s needs. Having honest and open communication has been a life changer for me. The big difference for me now is that I feel like my relationship is a team and we treat each other as equals. I’m not afraid of confrontation – saying how we each feel doesn’t mean the other person is going to leave. I do pour a lot of love into him – that’s a part of me that I wanted to keep in my relationships, but not at the expense of losing myself. That’s the difference here.
I could write so much more, happy to PM you and share other aspects (I didn’t want to out myself too much so tried to keep it general).

@ecology1989

First off, I truly believe that no-one is too broken and damaged to have a future relationship, but working (maybe that's not the right phrase) understanding yourself, and what you need is the key to having a future relationship that is loving and lasting – you can have these! I am now in another, loving and committed relationship - and it is quite the opposite to my previous relationships. I was single for a good 18 months after the breakdown of my previous relationship (we had lived together for 9 years, married for 2 when I left (yes not the usual co-dependent behaviour since I did the leaving in the end). Through counselling I spend a long time figuring out who "me" actually was - workwise I knew (I have always been independent in that respect and pushed my career) but beyond that I could describe myself as mirroring whoever the other people in the room wanted me to be - I was left confused about what my identity outside of work was - an example I took up the same hobby as my ex-partner, and really loved it, but did I love it to be close to him or because I did (in a previous relationship I became a video gamer... I'm not a gamer!) I guess living alone I had to figure of which aspects of my personality were truly me and which had I moulded to please my ex, but also other friends and family. Once I’d begun to engage with who “me” truly is I began to feel happier and content in myself – it was so lovely to hear my best friend saying that she was beginning to see the true me again. I then prioritised what I needed from a future relationship and what I was willing to compromise on and what would be outright no’s from me. Through counselling I then understood how to express these things without feeling guilty and / or that I would force someone away from me by expressing my needs. Then I met my current partner and had to put them into practice – yes it was scary at first but actually by saying what I needed or how I felt I was more content for it. I also learned to be open in return and listen to someone else’s needs. Having honest and open communication has been a life changer for me. The big difference for me now is that I feel like my relationship is a team and we treat each other as equals. I’m not afraid of confrontation – saying how we each feel doesn’t mean the other person is going to leave. I do pour a lot of love into him – that’s a part of me that I wanted to keep in my relationships, but not at the expense of losing myself. That’s the difference here. I could write so much more, happy to PM you and share other aspects (I didn’t want to out myself too much so tried to keep it general).

Thank you for such a detailed reply! It sounds like that time on your own was so beneficial for you.

I totally get what you mean about losing yourself. And needing to figure out who "you" are. I feel like my ex wanted me to do things they liked, and I didn't like them, but I felt pressure to do those things to please them and gain their love. I felt like I became a shell of myself and didn't know who I was outside of being their partner. They made the decisions and plans, and i feel like i just stayed at home and was their housewife.

Your relationship now sounds so lovely. But also feels so unobtainable for me. I really hope one day I can have that happy, healthy, balanced relationship.

I'd love for you to PM me if you are happy to share anything else!

I've contacted a support group and I am going to to along to a group at the weekend. I'm nervous!!!