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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emotional Affair

25 replies

InNeedOfAdvice2 · 13/09/2021 10:19

I've never felt so distant from my husband. We have been married for almost 30 years and together we have faced a lot of struggles over the years, but have survived them all. I used to consider our marriage as very strong and unbreakable. For the last 5 years my husband has worked abroad for 6 months at a time and up until now I've never question whether he has been unfaithful. I have taken care of everything at home whilst he's been away. But during this last trip my husband formed a platonic friendship with a young, pretty, single woman. He has not hidden this from me, although I wasn't aware that they saw each other every single day and had dinner together most evenings. My husband has told me that they talk about intimate things and they've sent cards to each other. On his arrival home from his last trip she wrote a "beautiful" card to him which he showed me declaring how fondly she thinks about him and that she's there for him. I felt sick to my stomach because deep down I know I am jealous of this friendship they have created together, which I am not part of. Curiosity got the best of me and I checked his computer. There really wasn't much to be worried about but there was a picture of this female on a beach and my husband had added a caption at the bottom saying that the two of them were at last on vacation in Hawaii together. I obviously confronted him about it and he of course denies that anything is going on other than a platonic friendship, but I can't get rid of how sick this is making me feel. I've told him through tears how upset I am and asked him to cut back on traveling as I want to spend more time with him but he says I'm being selfish especially since he's told me that we have nothing in common and that he doesn't like coming home to this country and would prefer to live abroad. I just don't know what to do. I don't believe he is having a physical relationship with this female, but my fear is that it will evolve into this. Is he having an emotional affair or am I simply jealous and over reacting?

OP posts:

Maze76 · 13/09/2021 10:34

No you’re not overreacting and yes, it’s sounds like your husband is emotionally involved with this woman. Friendship is one thing, but sharing dinners and having intimate conversation which you are not a part of.. that’s completely different. I’d also be concerned that he isn’t prepared to scale back on the friendship- Im sorry but this screams emotional affair and you are right to be concerned.

ZealAndArdour · 13/09/2021 10:37

he's told me that we have nothing in common and that he doesn't like coming home to this country

WHAT!? Is there really anything salvageable here? Have you asked if he even wants to still be married? What do you think he’d say if you offered to move abroad with him?

SapatSea · 13/09/2021 10:41

So, he doesn't want you visiting him abroad and he would prefer to live abroad. Does he actually want to be with you anymore?
He also sounds infatuated with his "friend." Are you sure that he isn't playing the game of trying to get you to be the "bad guy" and end the marriage with your "jealousy?"

You are right to be concerned.

Original poster

InNeedOfAdvice2 · 13/09/2021 10:43

Yes I've asked if he wants to stay married and he said yes. He says what would make him happy is if I moved over there with him. But due to my health conditions I wouldn't be able to and he knows this.

OP posts:

ClawedButler · 13/09/2021 10:45

Sounds to me like he's already checked out of the marriage emotionally.

I'd cut him loose. You don't need to accept the crumbs of his affection. The bit about not liking to come home would be it for me. Don't like it here? Don't come here then.

IdblowJonSnow · 13/09/2021 10:58

Sounds like he's already checked out. Why is he flaunting this 'friendship'?

RedRec · 13/09/2021 11:07

Of course it is physical. 'Finally on holiday in Hawaii together' - no way is that platonic.
Sorry OP but I think he has already checked out of your marriage.

Pinkdelight3 · 13/09/2021 11:18

I'm sorry OP, but all the signs are that the marriage is over from his POV at least. He wants to live abroad all the time with this woman. What makes you think it's not physical? Why would he be holding back on that score? I think you have to talk to some friends IRL to get your head around this, get some support and start confronting the sad reality as this really doesn't sound salvageable.

Pinkdelight3 · 13/09/2021 11:21

But also important to say, don't let him start making this about you - about you being selfish or insecure and that's why he wants to be there. He's checked out and not been honest with you about his feelings for this other women. This isn't the time for him to start blaming you, or even vice versa as it'll only spark conflict, and what you need if at all possible is an honest conversation about what's really going on so that you don't waste another six months waiting while he carries on like this.

GoodnightGrandma · 13/09/2021 11:21

I’d be packing his bags.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2021 11:23

I think you absolutely should assume they are having a physical relationship

Your marriage is over. He knows this, he has shown you this with his words and actions and now you need to catch up

SarahBellam · 13/09/2021 14:04

He doesn’t want to come home. You have nothing I’m common. He lives abroad for half the year. He went on holiday to Hawaii with another woman. It’s beyond over. It’s over, done, dusted, set fire to, and buried.

Jerseygirl12 · 13/09/2021 14:14

This isn’t a platonic friendship, it’s an emotional or physical affair. He may well want to stay married to you, who wouldn’t want to have their cake and eat it? What he wants isn’t important, what do you want? Are you willing to put up with your husband investing time and energy on another woman when it should be directed to you?

OssieShowman · 13/09/2021 14:20

Awful, I think he has checked out from you emotionally.

lyntheyresexpeople · 13/09/2021 14:20

I don't understand the finally on holiday comment - did they go to Hawaii together??

fantastaballs · 13/09/2021 14:37

Oh lovely. This is awful. But I think you are deluded if you think he is not intimate with this woman. You don't go on holiday with a Platonic friend of the opposite sex, to Hawaii, when you are happily married.

In your shoes I would be starting divorce proceedings immediately as he has already checked out.... and make sure he knows I'm going to have a shit hot lawyer. If you want to try to shock him into trying to save your marriage this may give him the shock he needs to wake up. But me? I'd divorce him and get my share and C start over with somebody that respects me.

Original poster

InNeedOfAdvice2 · 13/09/2021 14:47

Just to clarify, he didn't go to Hawaii with her. She was there and sent him a picture of her on the beach and my husband put a caption below the picture about them both going on vacation to Hawaii together

OP posts:

Pinkdelight3 · 13/09/2021 14:54

Still, even taking her out of the equation, what is left between you now and going forwards, as opposed to what you had in the past? Can you have the conversation with him about where you're both at, without making it about her?

Original poster

InNeedOfAdvice2 · 13/09/2021 15:08

I've tried by he gets angry and refused to talk to me because he doesn't want to give up going abroad. He says I'm being selfish. I obviously do need to have this talk with him and I'm willing to do this but I suppose I'm scared of finding out the truth!

OP posts:

Pinkdelight3 · 13/09/2021 15:30

That's really hard and no wonder you're scared after so many years. But doesn't him not wanting to stop going abroad tell you it's over? Therefore the conversation has to shift into being about that rather than it being about stopping him going. He's already gone from what you say - mentally/emotionally, and physically at least half of the time. So it's not a combative conversation, more to move things on to a place where you can both be happier instead of this awful limbo where he's living a lie and you're stuck with false hope and all this fear because of it.

Onthedunes · 13/09/2021 18:16

What a kind man, rubbing your face in it.

Do you have children?
Is he happy for everyone to know about this special friend and how it is upsetting you?

He says he still wants to remain married , so I'm guessing not.

Time to tell about his double life.
You need support.

Ourlady · 13/09/2021 18:44

Seems like you're just a convenience for when he comes home. He's got a nice little open life going on there, her at work times you at home(but he doesn't even like you never mind respect you)

He probably doesn't want the hassle of looking for a new house and starting up again in the UK for the months he is home so best to just keep you hanging on as it suits him down to the ground.
I'm sorry he is being so so horrible to you. I would get rid of the user.

Onthedunes · 14/09/2021 12:15

I hope you are ok today op.

StormBaby · 14/09/2021 12:20

You are basically his housekeeper.

ClawedButler · 14/09/2021 13:20

To my mind, his friendship with this woman is irrelevant, really. It's just another sign that the marriage is over. It's been over for a while. Whatever the "truth" is about his relationship with her, it has zero bearing on your situation. Whether he leaves you for her or just leaves, he's going. Let him go. Don't do the "Pick me" dance. Don't try to fight for the marriage, it is already over and will just prolong your agony. You are enough, and don't need this guy dragging you down, making you feel second best, telling you it's your fault, and not putting you at the centre of his life.

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