Help me out anyone?

[Dolphins23]

Hey so I'd like to know what you all think of this situation, I've got a boyfriend of just over a year, don't live together, so I haven't seen my boyfriend for the past 2 weeks due to my son catching covid, and then my other kid caught covid and I've got pneumonia, my boyfriend does text me but won't ring me and always gives excuses, the other night he said he would ring me soon as he was at his next doors, last I heard of him was 9pm, then I woke up to a message of some random girl saying he's been up town and cheated with her, didn't no nothing at all about him going out no message of him when he got in or woke up, so I rang and questioned, he wouldn't talk about it, in the end he did and said he hasn't cheated, didn't phone through out the day as he was with his mate since he woke up but then disappeared for the night again after promising he would phone, he didn't ring and said he fell asleep, I've got severe anxiety and still got isolate for another 7 days, he's saying I'm being dramatic, controlling etc is it so wrong to want to be able have a proper conversation on the phone after this long of not seeing him? He says he doesn't just sit about he's out with mates (he's 30) what do you all think?

You don't trust him, you don't live together, finish it.

It's called being lonely, not having anyone else to talk to really and just want a chat with my own boyfriend that I haven't been able to for the past 2 weeks!!

So if you can't and he does not seem to value your relationship as highly or as exclusively as you, what does he bring that a friendship would not?

Tell him it's not dramatic to want to know if you're being taken for a mug then bin him.

"You're dramatic and controlling" would suggest to me he's trying to get you to shut up so you don't question him on the cheating anymore...

It's hard to make friends I have severe anxiety, I am comfortable with him so I can talk to him about anything

Oh he sounds vile, and I really don't know why you are still interested in him.

For a start, your children have been ill and you are ill. Although in Covid times I can understand if he's kept a distance, anyone who loved you / cared for you would have been regularly checking you're OK and asking if they could drop off some food, pick up prescriptions, just keep you company by chatting on the phone. Anything to make your life a little better at such a difficult time.

The fact that he's gone off the radar and been hard to track down tells you everything you need to know about what sort of person he is / how he feels about you. Everything.

For that alone I would dump him.

The other stuff is just the icing on his poo cake isn't it. When you get to the point that a random woman is messaging you saying he's cheated, something is badly wrong. All his actions suggest he's up to no good. He is certainly lying about something (possibly everything).

He couldn't send you any clearer signs that he's just not that bothered about you.

Then there's the gaslighting.

And he has the cheat to call you controlling!!!!! I think if you were controlling, your bf wouldn't be out with another woman and ignoring you!

Please ask yourself why you think you deserve this. Because you don't. This man is no catch. He's awful. This is not a good relationship. In a good relationship you both feel valued, respected, cared for, listened to, supported, appreciated. You share your highs and your lows, your worries and the workload. You leave each other in no doubt at all about your feelings. You don't have to analyse or second-guess what the other person means. You know you are at the centre of that person's world.

Does that describe your r'ship? And if not, don't you want to find that r'ship? You would surely be much happier single than with someone who treats you so badly, and doesn't care how that affects you.

Please please dump him, embrace being happily single. And when you're ready, if you want, look out for a r'ship with someone who will treat you well, with respect. Such people are out there. You've just got unlucky with this one - he doesn't have it in him to be a good bf.

Re your anxiety, what was it about him that made you comfortable talking to him? You could recreate that with other people. He won't be the only person you can talk to.

And at the moment, he isn't letting you talk to him. He's avoiding you.

There are better people out there. I know it's hard when you have anxiety, I do, but please think about how you can gently make some new friends (a course of study, hobby group, volunteering?) who will be there for you when you need them (and vice versa of course).

I think some of my words sounds harsh in my pp but you deserve so much better than him, and I'm sad that you don't seem to realise it.

If you stay with him you can expect more of the same - or likely he'll get worse when he realises just how badly he can get away with treating you.

OP don’t be a push over. You can clearly see he has cheated on you but you accept it because you’re lonely. Why even come onto Mumsnet for advice if you know you’re not going to take it?

He talks the talk of being your boyfriend but he's not walking the walk. I get you are lonely and anxious OP but this lying little toad is only going to make you feel worse, not better. He could end up doing real harm to your mental health. Please dump him now.

You can keep him and end up with more random messages from women. And possibly an std from him too as he seems to be out on the dazzle the minute your back is turned.

Or you can do what needs to be done. Dump him and move on. You can find someone better while you are with him. We are all a bit anxious and stressed just now. But I’d rather be alone than with him. It’s only a matter of time til you get fed up with him. He is just using you. He doesn’t love you. Sorry. I know it’s hard.

Razzle. Stupid autocorrect.

@Dolphins23

It's hard to make friends I have severe anxiety, I am comfortable with him so I can talk to him about anything

Romantic partners are much harder to come by surely, and you have to 'let them in' to your life on a much deeper basis. I would really stress the importance of friendships and building a support network. You need people to talk to and have fun with, without having your heartbroken every time.

He’s a dog.

Jesus wept. I cannot fathom why you’d want to hold onto a guy you can’t even call.

What is he actually adding to your life?

I've suffered with Gneralised Anxiety Disorder since I was 14, it's a constant battle, however, I'm.speaking from experience here when I say lose him and your anxiety will decrease so much. You say you can talk to him but you can't, not really, he won't pick up the phone! He is feeding your anxiety with all these things that he's doing (or not doing) and you would be free of such worry without him sucking your enjoyment of life out of you. He knows what's he's doing, knowing your in isolation, telling you he's not sitting around, won't take your calls, not even when the cheating allegation was made. All of those things would be anxiety inducing in the calmest of people let alone people like you and I. I spent years with someone who I thought was the only one who could help me manage my panic attacks, I felt safe with him in that way, however I also thought he was cheating. Years later I got proven right and we split up, the panic attacks stopped almost immediately. Please don't let this gas lighting man do this to you, the relationship is one sided and he brings nothing to your well being from the sounds of jt

I think if you threw this one back - your anxiety , your self esteem and your sense of what you deserve may improve 10 fold !
He's not worth it
He doesn't care

There are no rules about how dramatic and controlling we're allowed to be. You are the right level of dramatic and controlling for you. Anybody who tells you that you are too dramatic and controlling is actually saying 'You are too dramatic and controlling for me.'

He doesn't get to make the rules about what your personality is like, so if he doesn't like it, he needs to stay away from you, and if he won't take responsibility for that, then you need to, by keeping a distance from him.

This looks like a lot of drama, when the fact is you want more attention from him than he wants to give you, and he doesn't care enough about your feelings to make any changes, so he insults you instead.

Stop haning around with people who treat you badly, and your anxiety will ease off. Trying to put up with this crap would give anyone anxiety attacks.