I am sorry this is going to be a long post but I want to get opinions from outsiders. Also, not sure I should be posting here, please let me know if there’s a more appropriate group.
Just to give you a pretext, I come from the conservative background where sex before marriage is frown upon. In my 30 years of life, I only had 2 relationships. The first was a puppy high school love and it was short-lived. The second relationship was with someone 8 years older than me when I was 18. The relationship lasted for 2 and a half year. Honestly, it was a one-sided relationship, I did not have the feelings for my ex. I was hoping that I would develop feelings for him overtime but it didn’t happen, so, I broke up with him for his sake. From then onward, I decided not to get into relationship unless I really like the guy.
Thinking back, my ex attempted to get physical closeness with me but it never went beyond second base, not because of his lack of effort but because I didn’t let him. I didn’t even enjoy him French kissing me, I openly told him I don’t like the tongue and to cool it off. I was ok touching him my chest but only over the shirt. He tried to get into third base as well but I never allowed him. I don’t think he was experienced as he didn’t know how (to get me into bed). I didn’t understand why he was doing these things either and we never discussed about sex openly, it is not in our culture. I was quite young at that as well. I had never initiated the physical intimacy with my exes and I never have sexual fantasies either. I started to label myself as an asexual and was happily living my life. I, sometimes, get jealous when I see happy couples holding hands, being lovely dovely. But I’ve accepted it.
Then, early this year, I began to use a dating app. I think Covid isolation motivated me to meet people. Oh, I stay alone, btw. It was fine until I met this guy, let’s call him “J”. From the moment I met him, I instantly knew I like him. He checked so many of my boxes and he gave me this familiar vibe. At the end of the date, he asked me if he could see my room. Naïve me thought he just wanted to see my room. In all honesty, sex never crossed my mind. But I just told him next time and gave him a hug. The truth is I had to work that night.
Long story short, on the second date, I brought him to my place (he asked where we want to go next after dinner – to my place or his place). Still, sex never crossed my mind. Anyway, he made a move on me after he finished exploring my place, saying I am not going home without a kiss today. I was surprised, I stuttered I don’t know how to kiss and I even told him I think I am asexual. He said how can that be and he kissed me with tongue and all. At first, I was disappointed and also shocked with the sudden intrusion of tongue. But he comforted me like it’s okay, it’s okay by stroking my arm. Then, he kissed me again and again so passionately. I also didn’t know myself why I let him kiss multiple times. He started to escalate things, like taking off my shirt which I let him. I was still mindful enough to stop him when he tried to take off my shorts, telling him he is moving too fast. I was surprised at myself for letting him go this far.
On our third date, we ended at his place. I even told him I am worried it might not work coz I think I am an ace. He said no way, you responded my kiss. He was patient with me, telling me, you should be feeling this and that. He told me I am already wet. But then later (after 5 mins?), he said now I am not sure it's sweat or wet. He offered to give me a head and I said no. He sighed and resolved to finger me and other foreplay. Then, at one point, I suddenly felt a pain in my lower area and I sternly asked what is he doing. I think he got scared. He stopped whatever he was doing, he came to lay down besides me and told me sorry, I entered you, I was being aggressive. I told him it’s okay, I was just surprised, that’s all. We laid down for a while. He embraced me. Then he said let’s stop, you need stimulation. He called a cab for me and told me to text him when I reached home. Before I left, I kissed him and he told me this was the first time I initiated the kiss. When I reached home, I let him know over the text and thanked him for dinner. He replied me you are most welcome. In the morning, I saw another text message from him wishing me to sleep well. I replied him morning and he replied me back saying morning.
Then he didn’t text or call me anymore. I contemplated to text him or not. But I didn’t know what to text him. I felt rejected. At the same time, I felt sorry for him also because I felt like I used him - the foreplay lasted an hour or so. This feeling of rejection led to a series of mistakes - I went out with a guy from the app and let him kiss me on the first date just because I wanted to know if I would feel any difference and it did. It tasted weird. I asked another guy who has a crush on me to kiss me too. It didn’t taste weird but I don’t feel like kissing him back either. I didn’t get this giddy feeling I had with J.
Exactly after one month we last met, J deleted the chat from telegram, removing all the traces of our chat history.
1/ I still miss him. I, sometimes, wish I could turn back in time and let him do whatever he wants to me. I had never let anyone going that far. Even my ex. I think I kissed him because I know in my mind, he won’t contact me again. Was it love or lust? I am confused.
2/ Then, there’s a question about my sexuality? What should I do? Is it because I am inexperienced? I tried watching porn and masturbating as well. Nothing excites me.
3/ Is there something wrong with me? Medically? Should I start seeing sexual therapist?