I ended it..

[Probablyinpain]

I ended my relationship on Wednesday. Ex was due to go on a hobby trip for 4 days and instead of staying to try and sort things out they still left and then tried to come back as if I wasn't serious.

I ended it due to having had the same discussions for well over a year yet they were always swept under the carpet. Our last discussion was the end of the road for me as I don't think it's respectful to whistle over someone when they're talking.
There are children involved and I feel a little bad for them but the relationship wasn't really a relationship anymore. More like housemates. No love, no passion, no laughter, little intimacy. No days out as a family, no time together as a couple, not emotionally there for me. Felt like I was always walking on egg shells and that I was low down on the list of priorities.

He cam back yesterday and tried to give me a hug but when he realised I was serious he packed his stuff and left after swinging the blame on me and making out most of our issues were my fault. On the way out I was being told 'Thanks for fucking ruining everything, thanks for taking me away from my kid, thanks for ruining the family home.'

I know relationships are about compromise but I've tried to improve myself throughout but feel that was not being met by any effort on his part. I feel like you shouldn't have to have a complete personality transplant in order to make your relationship work.

I haven't heard anything since. Should a relationship be this difficult? I'm someone that really struggles with big decisions and I've made a huge one. Just need a handhold I guess.

You've taken a huge step and not done it lightly.
Your dp has walked over your feelings and thought he could again.
Well done for caring about yourself.
Your dp has ruined his own life and his parting remarks show just how entitled he is.
Stay strong.
One day at a time.
Your dc will be fine.

On the way out I was being told 'Thanks for fucking ruining everything, thanks for taking me away from my kid, thanks for ruining the family home.'

This shows that he is taking no responsibility at all. He doesn’t want to realise his actions have caused anything.

You’ve done the right thing by you and your kids.

You haven’t given a lot of detail or examples, but from what you have said, I am inclined to think you have made the right call to end this relationship. I think he thought you were bluffing when you ended it on Wednesday, I think he thought he can do whatever he wants anyway and you would suck it up.

Here for you, OP

Don’t let his gaslighting get to you. You deserve more.

Be gentle on yourself and the kids.

Don’t interact with him if possible, and make sure you get a lawyer, sort out your finances, especially any shared accounts. Change the locks and notify school. Supervised visits only in public places for now.

You don’t need to be aggressive, but set clear boundaries that these measures are for now, whilst you work through things. Don’t engage into any further conversations or let your anger take over. Be practical, calm and organised when you talk to him. You can scream and rant when he’s not around! It will only cause drama.

It will get worse before it gets better. Take the confidence you have in taking action and start building your life without him. You will be fine!

The fact he thinks (just) you have "ruined the family home" says it all.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate the kind words. I have been deliberately vague as to not be too outing but I feel there is enough detail there.
I've been very calm about the whole situation. There has been no shouting on my part or harsh words. Just explaining that this is not right or healthy.
We rent, joint tenancy. No shared accounts. He still has some things here which I will pack up.
I think the lack of fight or willingness to actually hear me has shown me alot.

I haven't really cried either, only yesterday when he was sobbing. I went outside away from DC had a little cry then sorted myself out and I've been okay since.

I sat last night and done a pros and cons list because I am the second guessing type but it doesn't look great on paper.

Whilst he was away he never asked how I was either, but complained that I didn't ask how he was. I think it's called lack of empathy but there is alot of that. He agreed with every point I made about what is missing from our relationship, yet said it could all be sorted within 5 minutes. Considering its been like this for over a year, I disagree.

Does he take responsibility for anything?

@Snorkello why are you saying supervised visits in public only? There is nothing to indicate in the OP that the man is a risk to the child. Just because he’s been not a good partner to OP doesn’t mean he needs “supervised “ contact. He has PR. He could collect from school today if he wishes.

OP. You sound relieved. He will try and make you feel guilty however you know you’ve done the right thing.

No absolutely zero responsibility. I realise I am not perfect and consciously try but that was no reciprocated.
No risk at all to the kids, or me. He's a good dad.

Well done to you if it's not working.

Well done for being strong and taking a difficult decision. Two of the best gifts we can give our children are to model healthy self respect and healthy relationships. You are showing your children how to be strong and have self respect. And you are showing them not to put up with a poor relationship.

You will be happier. So they will be happier.

Explain why men sob! Is it just for sympathy?

The same reason as women sob? We're all human. It may be genuine, it may be manipulative, who knows?

Well done OP, you've absolutely done the right thing. The relationship wasn't working for you. End of.

Yes but on Mumsnet they only seem to cry when they have done something wrong.

Well done

This sounds like my stbxh , all crying and no responsibility for the first few weeks , but then the nasty side appeared , just mind yourself and keep on your guard x

I'm not expecting any replies just need a soundboard I guess. Why am I finding it so difficult despite knowing it was the right thing to do deep down?
After the sobbing on day one, day 2 he said he had accepted it. Not tried fighting for it, talking or accepting any responsibility.
I'm just sorting out the practicalities and finding it really emotionally draining. I feel numb but sad.

In short: He is a prick.

The fact that he has tried the 'sobbing', and realized that you're not falling for it, speaks volumes.

I truly believe that if someone is 'broken' enough to actually 'sob', it takes a lot more than a few hours to be able to 'accept' the situation.

I think that 'sobbing' was his stupid attempt at trying to get you to feel 'sorry' for him, and thereby relent i.e get what he wants.

The fact that he's 'over it' in a few hours and throwing all the 'blame' on you, shows you how little he really thinks of you, because it's all about blaming you instead of saying ''I'm sorry my behavior has made you so unhappy, what can I do to make things better ?'' (The shouting was probably a mixture of anger that you didn't change your mind after he 'sobbed' (I mean really, how dare you not let him get his own way !) and his clumsy attempt to garner sympathy from anyone who could overhear i.e children/neighbours etc

He will probably tell everyone/anyone all about how terrible you are next, so be prepared for that, and ignore it. In time, everyone who 'believed' his 'tale of woe' will come to realise what a complete bastard he is, but let them find out for themselves. Don't 'badmouth' him, but don't 'cover' for him either, simply say the truth.

Your life is now going to get much better without the stress,strain and upset he caused you daily while living together. Home can now begin to become your sanctuary. Make sure you get him off the lease as soon as you can (speak to your landlord to let them know you have separated) and make sure you've changed your passwords to everything.

The sobbing didn't work so he quickly moved to acceptance as a way of calling your bluff. He will think that you'll admit you made a mistake/just did it for a reaction if he goes along with it. When that doesn't work either and he realises you're serious be prepared that he might try the nasty tactic. As a pp said the sobbing wasn't genuine. No one is distraught enough to sob one minute then over it the next. It's showing a certain side of his character and cementing IMO that you've done absolutely the right thing.

I agree. The way he's acted since we split has made me certain I done the right thing. The realisation that he really didn't care hurts, but I guess deep down I knew he didn't care anyway.
I'm doing okay during the day when I'm busy. The evenings are the hardest when I'm just sat here and the kids are in bed.