Mismatched affection needs.. are we doomed?

[myreddressmydaughtersbear]

Been married 5y, together for 9. We have a 3yo and I am pregnant with second child.

My DH and I have always had mismatched sex drives and for a while it was a bit of an issue and something we would argue about but since having our child we have come to a compromise and mostly satisfy each other.

Since being pregnant again I have not felt remotely sexual, and so that has gone a bit wobbly again.

I would say that my affection giving score is around a 6/10 I'm not some stone cold bitch but I'm not snogging him every minute, I prefer little pecks and cuddles. My DH is very touchy feely, would happily accept big long snogs every couple of hours and he is v. complimenty and would score more like a 10/10.

If we do something sexual together we feel good and connected, but if its been a while (like over 1 week) my DH will suddenly go cold on me, dropping from say a 10/10 affection score to a 1/10 barely noticing me, barely touching me. He says this is not intentional and is more him naturally giving up pursuing getting affection from me, but it makes me feel instantly weird and pushed away, and also it makes me feel pressure to do something sexual to get things back on track.

I don't know how to fix this, apart from making sure we have regular sexual activity to stop him from going cold on me... but that doesn't sit right with me.

Maybe we are just too different.

What do you think?

I think sulking to get your own way (which is what he is doing) is a massive turn off.

You shouldn't need to 'make sure you have regular sex' to stop him going cold on you.

@Summerhillsquare

I think sulking to get your own way (which is what he is doing) is a massive turn off.

Not to mention, abusive.

It's intentional. He knows you will instigate sex if he ignores you, so he ignores you in order to get you to do what he wants.

Think about it, you're only 'connected' and feel 'close' when he gets what he wants .

That's never going to be a 'loving' and 'supportive' relationship, is it ?

What's he going to do when you've had the baby, and are too sore and tired for sex ? Will he be 'switching off' from you and your DC for a few weeks ? Just when you need him the most ?

I think he’s trying to manipulate you and that he should be affectionate anyway regardless of whether you might have sex later

It’s not really about affection though. Affection in a relationship is a full spectrum which can include talking, cuddling, sharing interests and sexual activity to feel close to each other.

He just wants snogging sessions and sex. It would put me off massively.

I disagree that its intentional. I've been in his shoes and it is hard to maintain affection when you feel like it's all for nothing. Some people need sex to feel connected, others need to feel connected to have sex.
I'd suggest that you are one and the other of that. It puts you both in an awkward position. I believe it can be worked around but you need to communicate properly. You definitely need to tell him that sulking is going to exacerbate the problem rather than help.