Double standards

[Torrennce]

My partner went out and got drunk, he gave his number to a girl which he first said he didn't remember doing and maybe it was his friend who did it, then that it was a random girl, then that it was someone he went to school with. He said that he lied as he was drunk, I was 'going on at him' and he wanted me to shut up. He apologised and then said that he couldn't do anything about it and I needed to stop dragging it out and get over it. I don't know if anything he said about what really happened is true.
Yesterday he saw a direct message of me wishing a guy I went to primary school with happy birthday, he responded thank you. That's the whole conversation, I even said to message him if he doesn't believe me as there is nothing going on. But all hell has broken loose and he's saying I cheated on him? The double standards is honestly baffling me and now I'm starting to second guess myself. We've been together for 14 years and have a child together, I feel like we are too old to be having these kinds of problems but he's giving me the silent treatment because of it and it's giving me the worst anxiety, I think he's expecting me to apologise but I don't think I have done anything bad? Have I done something wrong?

Sounds like he's suffering from a guilty conscience, that because he cheated or almost cheated on the night out now he thinks you must be as bad as him or other men must be as bad as him. It is a double standard, and he sounds not very nice and quite controlling.

To add, I told him when he gave the number out and lied that he would have reacted much worse than I did and he said he knows he would have but I shouldn't respond to things based on how I think he would respond and I was over reacting by being upset

Don't back down and don't apologise. You've done nothing wrong. Wishing a friend happy birthday and handing out your number to a woman are two different things, he's being an asshole and needs to grow the fuck up!

He’s just using it as an excuse to shift the blame and get himself off the hook for his bad behaviour. Look up DARVO.

DO NOT APOLIGISE - you have done absolutely nothing wrong. You know it, and he knows it. If you apoligise you will be falling in to the trap he has set for you here.

There are a few of scenarios that could be playing out here, and none of them is good:

• He knows he was in the wrong when he chatted up / got another woman's number then lied to you about it, so is now using this situation to distract you from that, to stop you going on about it.
• He knows he was wrong and is using this situation to make out you're just as bad as him, so he can minimse it and stop you mentioning it (I'll bet if you ever mention it in future he'll say 'well what about when you were chatting with that old school friends??')
• He is guilty of having an affair or at least trying to start one, and is projecting that on to you (ie he knows if he can do it then so could you) and judging you by his own standards

You know you did nothing wrong.
You know he chatted to a woman, swapped numbers, lied about what happened and who she was. He clearly has done something wrong.

He is then making matters worse by gaslighting / criticising you when you've done nothing wrong.

I would seriously be questionning who he is and if I wanted to be with him still. You clearly can't trust him not to go after other women / lie to you / try to make you feel bad when you've done nothing wrong. This is about so much more than double standards.

In the meantime - DO NOT APOLOGISE. And make sure that he knows that you know that you have done nothing wrong, and that he is the one who has questions to answer. And that you won't be shut up - you will keep talking about what he did until you are satisfied you know all you need to know. Then the decision is yours as to what you want to do about it.

All the best. Stay strong.