As we get older, do we 'feel' less, in regards to meeting someone?

[Cupcake00]

Would really like to hear your thoughts.
I have dated over a 10 year period. I have got used to doing everything alone. It's hard being a single mum but I manage.
I sometimes feel like when dating, it's taking on an extra responsibility. It's finding time, money, emotion for another.
I stopped dating sites about 18 months ago. We were going through the pandemic but I wasn't feeling the excitement a long time before deleting my apps. I met someone at work. He says all the right things and genuinely means well but he's more eager to see me than I am him. Actually, I never feel excited anymore. Not just with him (I feel terrible saying that as he's lovely), but in dating (hence why I stopped). I'm wondering what I'm actually looking to feel. Maybe it's not meant to feel like anything other than I'm feeling. Which is 'ok'. I get a sense of thrill when he takes my bins out or takes the dog for a walk. My days are full to the brink with kids, house, dog and work. I appreciate those small things. My mum always told me I watched too many 'happy ever after' films.
Maybe it's my age? (Early 40's).
Maybe I'm destined to be alone?

You're still pretty young OP! Age doesn't dull genuine feelings but may take the edge off the sort of skittish excitement of teens/early 20s (I'm late 50s). Being horribly busy does blunt emotions though IME.

Have you found that you are much more content and happier in yourself since you stopped trying? This was my experience. I stopped at about 46. I just thought, no more. This is depleting me and eroding me, The ''search'' for somebody. But being alone wasn't depleting me and eroding me.

I'm 51 though, bit older, but although I've stopped looking it's not in a sad resigned way. I just want to grow in to myself a bit more now, be braver.

In fact, my last boyfriend was a really great person (met him at work) but before that, I'd ground myself down doing OLD.

I know now that I'm content as a single person and I value that equilibrium and I would rather work on friendships and bravery (travel abroad? classes and courses? just plain initiating conversations?) than invest energy in to the tyranny of meeting somebody. Eugh.

I have this belief now that being single will allow me to meet my full potential. I want to be braver and more confident and I don't think that meeting some guy will allow that, I'd either be 1) putting up with things I'm not 100% happy with or 2) intertwining our lives and giving that power - ie, if he chooses to bail, my life has the rug ripped out from under it.

I'd rather just know that the only person with the power to change my life is me.

I think because you know that you have a perfectly "complete" life without a partner so it might be a nice bonus extra but its not the thing that "must" happen and everyone assumes you will . I'm in a similar position in that I have a partner, we don't live together and won't, certainly not until my kids are grown and maybe not even then. If it ends, nothing else changes and that's how I like it. I'll be sad, but not devastated or have my life implode like it did with my divorce. There's an element of self - preservation there and as a pp said, understanding that YOU are the key person in your life, not someone else.

I agree with @HugeAckmansWife

I think when we're in our twenties there's pressure to 'couple up' (because friends are / because all the romcoms say we should / because relatives are always asking / because we might want children) so we put much more emphasis on dating / romance.

IME, If you find yourself single when you're older, you don't feel the same pressure to date. You are probably much busier, you have a life that you've organised to fulfil most needs, you don't 'need' a significant other. You probably have your own home already and the idea of moving in with someone is not necessarily something you are looking for.

But I think this is a good thing. Finding myself single again in my late thirties, I felt no pressure at all to couple up. I was only going to do that for someone really special. When it happened it was a slow burner for a long time - we didn't feel any rush to make changes.

The result is that I only 'coupled up' for the right person, and as a result life is good. The feelings run as deeply as ever. But they didn't at the single / dating stage as it wasn't as exciting as it might have been when I was much younger.

At this age, past relationships tend to affect things too. When I was young, I was open and willing to let down barriers and fully throw myself into being “in love” - because I believed so long as I tried my best in the relationship there was no reason it wouldn’t survive (my mother was a feminist who instilled that as a man I should step up) and if there were things that made us incompatible that came to light in time, then whilst it would be sad, it’d be understandable.

But being completely blindsided by my wife of a decade having an affair despite us still being best friends, having a great sex life, not arguing, etc killed that off. I learned a partner can just leave you simply because you’re no longer new and exciting anymore (her words). And that’s not something I can do anything about. And in her words, she was absolutely entitled to do that - her happiness had to come first.

So knowing that anyone you get together with could eventually come to resent you, simply because your no longer “fresh” or you fancy something different for a change has put a dampener on things. I almost see it as inevitability. So I’ve got walls up now that stop me achieving true intimacy. And without true intimacy -or being open to it - I don’t think you can really achieve the same strength of feeling.

I have different walls but I think most people want to get to that place where you can trust that you no longer have to provide novelty to a partner. I know that I've been dumped a lot for no greater crime than just being a six month old 'girlfriend''.

I cannot keep entering in to relationships with a big open heart only to be dumped again.

I don't think it matters all that much though. So I'll be single forever, so what. does it matter as much as I used to think? No i don't think so.

@HugeAckmansWife @Sagaz your posts are spot on! I’m in this camp too. I think once you’ve experienced the huge fall out from a relationship ending when you’ve intertwined your lives/hopes/dreams/finances/home then it’s something you aren’t willing to rush out and jeapordise. It takes such a lot of effort and time to rebuild things I think as you get older you’ve definitely got barriers up to protect yourself and it’s definitely not a bad thing.

I think by the time you get to 40 plus life’s experiences often teach you that a partner should be part of your life and a nice addition- but not your whole life. Far too many people build a life and personal decisions solely around a partner only to find it was built on sand