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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I report him to the police?

7 replies

WinterFlake · 11/09/2021 22:11

I split up with my ex-Dp at the start of the year and the more I reflect on the relationship, the more concerned I am about his escalating behaviour. I am worried that he will repeat the behaviour with women in the future. I am also worried about reporting him, that I will not be believed, and perhaps I should reach out to some of his exes to see if they have similar experiences and try to build a case against him. It also worries me that I will get retribution for doing so.

It started with him explaining his mental health problems to me, which I now think was a manipulation tactic to excuse / use for his behaviour later down the line. He said he often felt depressed, which meant he had to go for days at a time with little to no contact with me. He would constantly let me down, tell me he was coming to meet me, or phone me, or text and then just wouldn't... I'd then get a message hours later claiming he'd fallen asleep or forgotten. He constantly gaslighted me throughout the relationship, I would explain my clear wants, needs and boundaries and he would claim to have forgotten the conversation we'd had or blame me for why he couldn't follow through on his promises. I was constantly on eggshells when he was around, if I did anything to upset him he would threaten to leave our home and often did. I'd have to beg him not to go. This escalated to the point he would swear at me, tell me to 'fuck off', call me a bitch, the c word. I couldn't say no to sex, if I did he would constantly badger and harass me all night so I had to have sex with him just to get some sleep. Sometimes I would wake up and he'd already be having sex with me. He'd often hurt me during too, even if I said stop or no, he'd carry on as he enjoyed being domineering. In public he would touch me inappropriately, even if I said no and told him I didn't like it. Towards the back end of last year, I found out I was pregnant. He immediately told me he didn't want the pregnancy, that he wouldn't support me, that I needed to abort. Even going so far as to drive me to the clinic in tears, coercing me to go inside. I finally got the courage to split up with him after this and he harassed me for months, he was blocked on everything so he's emailed me incessantly since and turned up at my house randomly until he was threatened. He hasn't turned up in months which is a relief. The last email I received was 2 weeks ago informing me he was starting to date a new woman.

I've done counselling and really worked through these issues to understand that it is abuse and not normal. I'm in a new relationship and I have touched on some of the issues, my new boyfriend is very supportive and feels I should report him. I feel a sense of duty to do something about it but at the same time I am worried I won't be believed and I've no idea what the process of reporting something like this is.

OP posts:
Jesskir89 · 11/09/2021 23:18

Bump

StressedAF · 11/09/2021 23:31

Didn’t want to read and run. You could try and get a harassment notice served if he continues to harass you. I’m not sure about the laws around coercive behaviour/abuse sure there is something now. There is Claire’s Law, which if you have a successful case would be useful if a future date of his if they were concerned enough to check.

You said you’re concerned incase you are not believed, do you have evidence? Text conversations, witnesses etc. Not that I don’t believe you but expect the authorities would ask for these things.

He sounds awful and I’m glad you got out and are now in a healthy, happy relationship.

Chickenyhead · 11/09/2021 23:33

This is very difficult as he was indeed very abusive.

I wonder whether you are genuinely strong enough right now to seriously consider reopening this box of hell. Attracting your abuser back in to your life. I also worry about your current partner thinking that this is a good idea right now.

Are you receiving ongoing counselling? What did your Counsellor think of you taking this to the police?

Given the time that has past, this will be he said/she said. Do you have people who witnessed this abuse, or who you talked to? Are you mentally strong enough to withstand the case potentially leading nowhere?

I would seek advice from women's aid or similar professionals if I were in your position.

If he starts harassing you again, keep records and report him.

ArabellaScott · 11/09/2021 23:35

I'm sorry, OP. What an ordeal. Would it be worth speaking to either Women's Aid or Rape Crisis for advice on this?

faithfulbird20 · 12/09/2021 00:01

Should I?? Jesus lord you need to report him!!! He's abusive and stalkerish.

Crystalvas · 12/09/2021 11:32

Report him to the police. Don’t worry about who believes you or not the police have a duty to take a statement from you. At least it’ll be on record even if hes not convicted and you’ll know you have done what you could.

ArthurApples · 12/09/2021 11:39

Definitely report the harassment, because it is still happening. I've done this, the police advised that I sent a final reply saying do not contact me again, this is harassment, I will contact the police if I hear from you again, however you might not feel safe to do that, report it and take their advice. Once you've told someone like that the police say they will intervene.
Focus on your future, stay safe.

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