When you are bothered by lesser things and not by bigger things (( trigger warning CSA)

[definatiz]

Sorry for graphic background...

When I was about 3 or 4 and staying with extended family I fell ill with a minor flu and was taken to the local GP.

As part of the examination the GP held me down and thrust a thermometer ( or something else) into my vagina repeatedly with force. I remember this being very painful at the time. I remember crying. I always knew it was not right even as a young girl but it was not until I grew up and became sexually aware that I was able to put 2+2 together and see it for what it was.
I remember trying to tell my mother and not really having the right words or context and focused on him taking my temperature in that area . And to her credit I remember my mother asking me at the time to tell other relatives and saying didn't they think it was a strange thing for a doctor to do.

How did this impact me: say 2 out of 10

Anyways my relationship with my mother was strained from late childhood. Not all bad at all. Very violent. How did the violence impact: say 4 out of 10.

But on top of that plain spiteful... and how did that impact: say 8 out of 10. But in the background and thank god was ok to get on with life.

So wtf is wrong with my rationale ...
generally the gp would be seen and understood as trauma and people serve jail time for this stuff but I sort of feel "so what" about it. Whereas someone being a bit spiteful is seen as "so what" but I was way more impacted and would rather have dealt with 10 rouge gps than the spite.

Sometimes we don't seem 'bothered' by things until we feel safe to be bothered. So maybe you're ready now to deal with the impact of spite but not the other things. Your gp experience was horrific, and I'm sorry any of this happened to you.

I get you.

Both my parents were abusive. My dad sexually assaulted me on a daily basis. He was also physically abusive but at the time (70s/80s) that wasn't unusual. My mum used to hit us as well.

But my mums emotional abuse has been far, far more wounding on an ongoing basis and has had a far bigger impact on my life. I worked my way through the sexual abuse decades ago - it was tough, ptsd is a bitch but I did get through it.

But recognising my mums emotional abuse and wilful neglect was far more difficult and I am still wrestling with it in my late 40s and after 6 years NC with her. (NC with my father for 30+ years.)

I think a large part of the problem is that as women, we partly base our self image of ourselves on our mother. We use our mother as a template or blueprint of what "being a woman" means.

When we realise that the blueprint is faulty, it leaves us with a huge problem, because WTF does that make us? Are we not "real" women? Are we the ones at fault (which is often what we've been told)? The idea of rejecting our mothers is terrifying because it feels like we're rejecting ourselves.

Have a look at the website "out of the fog" and look for the "Stately Homes" thread on this relationship board.

I'm sorry for what you've been through. There is a healthy and happy life out there for you, just waiting for you to find it 💐

Thank both for your thoughtful responses. I do lurk on the stately home thread.

Seriously I really feel that the GP thing had little impact on me except for a couple of years adjusting and being tense when I became sexually active. Got over it:)

But the nastiness was ongoing intermittent for years and hard.

Here is a tricky thing. I would feel justified getting counselling for the GP thing. It's easy to explain that a shitty go did x and it was no good. Just don't need it.

But feel like a fake when trying to explain the ongoing prevailing crap that my mother filled out. Have moved ON with my life, have been lucky. am outwardly fine and dandy. Inside it's all about trying not to be angry.

Maybe you are right in that we process stuff we feel ok to process.

I get it, something really bad inevitably goes wrong, I cope OK, get on with it. Small things really fucking prey on my mind and stress me out. It must be some kind of coping/displacement thing. Something similar but much much milder happened to me with a gp and tbh I'm just a bit that was weird.

Tbh though ongoing emotional abuse is devastating and I don't think a therapist would dismiss you at all.

I'd struggle to describe all of the nuanced shit that has really traumatised me, the incident with the gp is something easy for you to describe, which other people would immediately be sympathetic to, so makes, sense you can file that easier under traumatic.

I think you need to let yourself be angry, however you want to express that.

Thanks Ducky sometimes I do allow myself to feel angry. Sometimes I worry that I am just relabelling resentment as anger. I want to forgive ie not be resentful....