I dont know what to do for the best

[soconfused20]

Hello all
This is very long !
I am new to this but would really love some advice please.
I feel my whole life is turning upside down !
Me and my husband have been together for almost 13 years and have 2 gorgeous children. We got married 18 months ago and things havent been the same since. He has always done his own thing but involved me in some of them, but over the last year he seems to have done everything by himself.
He is in a band, runs a football team, plays football himself and goes out drinking with his friends on his own. I have tried on numerous occasions to tell him that i NEED to be involved in his life and i feel we are drifting apart
He goes ot sometimes at 7 in the evening and doesnt come back until 5,6,7, the next day ! I go ballistic at this and he apologises and swears he wont do it again.
The thing is i always trusted him and no that he gets that drunk that he just passes out wherever he is !!!! I also nag him that this isnt safe !
On sat night he went out for his works xmas party and didnt get back until 5 in the morning and when he came in he was talking on the phone to someone, he then decided to fall asleep on the kitchen table and his phone started ringing so i answer it and say hello the girl says something and puts the phone down !!!
So i checked through his phone and on there were some messages from this girl saying that she was falling in love with him ! I felt so sick and shocked !!

I stayed awake and confronted my husband when he had sobered up and he admitted that he had kissed this girl on 3 seperate occasions when he was in town !! but he swears he dosent have any feelings for her !

The thing is a few weeks ago my husband actually occused me of having a n affair with my boss because my boss sent me and some of my work colleagues a text message and put an x at the end of it ! He put me through hell and back ands told me he loved me so much ....

I am absoloutley devasted and keep having so manty different emotions its unreal.

I decided that i wasnt going to be the one who ended our marriage and gave him a choice ... he could either walk and never come back or he could stay and things change dramatically. !! He didnt know what he wanted to do so went for a long walk to try and decide ! He came back and has decided that he want to stay but says he has been so unhappy for a long time !

The thing is i dont think he knows whether he loves me or not he hasnt said sorry and i have to promt him to tell me he loves me because thats all i need to know in order to start building our once good relationship back together !!
This only happened a few days ago and my sister was here yesterday to try and comfort me .
My kids adore there father and he does them and i cannot imagine life without us as a family !!
I have asked him to go to marriagw guidance and he has refused point blank !!
I have just phoned him in work and told him that he needs to make an effort and make me feel wanted and should be begging me for forgivness but he isnt !!

What should i do !!
please help !
x

No answers for you but think that marriage guidance would be a good start. If he won't go with you, can you go on your own. At least it might help you work out what you actually want.

As a practical thing, to make it work, I think you actually need to atart living like a couple - not 2 people who happen to share a house. This means that he gives up a lot of his extra-family activities and find new ones which you can do together.

After my first child was born, dh persued his hobby (cycling) day and night and it nearly ruined our marriage. I explained that I was trapped in the house while he did what he wanted and I would not live like that. For every day he took off on his own, I wanted 1 for me and 1 for the family. He quickly realised how hard it had been for me and now we generally go out on the bikes as a family.

If he won't go to relate or similar counselling with you then what is his reason? Surely if he is committed to saving your marriage he should be doing everything he can to prove that to you. I would be expecting a very good answer from him as to why he won't go.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. That sort of betrayal is so devastating it's hard to put into words.

But I really do think it's time he started to prove to you that he can be trusted again and you need to see that effort coming from him.

Will he be prepared to involve you in his life and do more things as a couple? Has he cut contact with this girl?

I think him accusing you of an affair was possibly a reaction because of his own guilt.
He has a lot of issues to work through and I really think a counsellor could help with that. A counsellor can also help you to decide if this is the sort of person you really want to stay with.

Horrible time for you Stay strong and focus on you children to get you through

{{{hugs}}}

Thankyou to those who have read this and it may not make sense because i was cryinfg writing it !

Hi soconfused20 i think he needs to start putting you first! if hes not getting in at these times how are you ment to know where he is, out with friends, fell asleep on a park bench or in her arms till early hours? I dont mean to be horrible here but i recently found out my dp at the time was cheating on me i found a txt off her (i do have a thread about this) He is now my xdp! he used to adore his family aswell and he said he didnt know what he wanted but left and never looked back. It isnt easy being on your own but i tell you now its so much easier knowing where you stand then having him treat you like this and your home as a hotel.
Please have a think about what you really want for the future, does it involve your dh? also whats best for your children aswell.
Sending you lots of hugs x

Thankyou x
He has deleted her number from his phone and rang her to tell her not to ring or text him !
I think his reasons are for not wanting to go a councilling are he is so embarrassed but my thing is so embarrassed ..

He cant even look at me properly.
shoud i wait for him to come to his sences or should i walk away from tha man who i adore and break my family up and my childrens hearts ?

I am hurting so so much !
My friend has just phoned up and offered to pick me and my children up to saty with her for a few days but my children have school and i dont want to disrupt there lives !!

The thing is i am not actually from this area and all my family live miles away form me .
I do have friends but cant get them involved as it wouldnt be fair !
x

He said he doesnt know how to be with me !
Whether i want him to cuddle me or not incase i push him away !
He should just cuddle me and if i push him away he should keep trying .
I really really cant imagine life without him. iasked him could he imagine life without me and me being with someone else and he cant.
He knows he now needs to involve me/us in things but im not sure if he knows how !
Its like we lead 2 seperate lives !

Do you have any social life? I think you should get some hobbies of your own and start demanding equality in the relationship. He'll probably change his tun if it's you out whilst he's at home baby sitting.

I think a few kisses is something you could possibly get over so long as he can prove he can be trusted in future - and he should have to prove it, don't just assume it in future! He has a lot of ground to make up and you should make him well aware of that fact.

If he's not willing to put the time and effort in he's not worth staying with imo!

If it is a choice between being embarassed and saving the marriage and he had decided not to walk away, he should be able to overcome his embarassment!

Could you go and stay with your friend at the weekend Or even on your own for a few days to sort your self out and work out what is best for you and your dcs?

i think you should talk to him first before thinking of splitting up, as he accused you of having an affair i think you should look him in the face and ask him did you sleep with this girl? (i could always tell when my xdp was lieing)
If he answers you and you think he is telling the truth wether it be he has or not, see if you then can cope with his answer, you really need to ask him lots of questions to so see if you truely want to stay with your dh.
If in the end you do choose to leave him then i can honestly say your children will be ok it is hard but they do get used to it, im lucky really as my DD is nearly 3, and im 5 months pregnant.
Also tell your friend thankyou for the offer but say i need to talk to dh first and if i then need to stay for a while would that be ok? I`m so glad you have family and friends to help you x

Thankyou
I have asked him to answer me honestly if he has slept with her and he swears and promises that he hasnt !
I am trying to talk to him and getting little bits out of him but he seems to clam up and doesnt know how to be with me !
he has never been good at conversations though !
I think he loves me but isnt in love with me !
Do you think we could ever get that back again ?
x

And how ?
x

And how ?
x

Firstly you are shocked and hurt so you are demanding him cuddle you, face up, tell you whats going on, whether he loves you etc this is all perfectly reasonable and normal but this is a long marriage we are talking about and it goes deep. You need a bit of perspective to think about this and to find some strength of your own to deal with this. you have been together 13 years so something obviously works. A 13 year relationship could probably survive a few month long cheesy office fling and this is what it sounds like at worst. what you have to remember is this: if you want this marriage to continue to work you will have to still love him afterwrds.
you are right to keep it together for your kids and this will give you focus too. I know you are hurting but protect yourself a bit by pretending to be strong. Punish him a bit, tell him to off, spend loads of money on his credit card and tell him his is an idiot. Be cool with him at least to give the impression that you are not feeling too needy - this will give him too much leeway to take easy options, he has to realise a bit what he could lose. I know you won't keep this up 24/7 but even if you do it for 10 percent of the time it will give him a reality check. occupy yourself, go out, go to the pictures on your own . it will change your perspective.

being in love with someone is always a phase that passes, the true love for someone usually takes it's place. If he truly loves you and you love him then you both need to make an effort to move on together (not try to get back to a time in the past, that won't happen).

You need to build up trust again slowly and he needs to make the effort to prove this to you.

Try not to do things that may push him away just because you are hurting right now, it will make things harder, for example, instead of calling him at work to have a go at him about how he needs to make more effrot, wait till he's at home and you can both talk without distractions around you, he will be lesslikely to see this as nagging so more reseptive to really listen to you.

Really sorry you're going through this ((())))

He needs to talk to you and tell you what he is so unhappy about and then decide what you can do to change it (and obviously deal with any issues you have as well)

As pp said - its unlikely it will ever be like it was before but if you do love each other and want to make a go of it, he needs to be able to open up to you

If he's crap at talking and won't entertain counselling - can you get him to write things down for you ? I had relationship counselling with my ex h a long time ago and from what I remember, most of it involved writing lists... Things like - 10 things that make you unhappy, 10 things you love about the other person, 10 things you would like to change about the relationship etc. Both do this, swap them and read them on your own and then try and get time together to talk them through (after a few glasses of wine if you feel it would help to loosen him up).

Good Luck ..Hope you manage to work it out if that's what you both want xx

Hi sweetheart
I do have a social life but not as good as his !!!
I go to the gym i work part time 3 days a week , and am doing training in a school 2 times a week .
On the odd occasion i do go out with my friends and work mates but it isnt really that often !
Everything seems to be about his life and i have to stay in with the kids !!
Manty thanks to those who have replied to this
My head is everywhere and im hurting so so ba !!!!

Remember that the marriage is his responsibility too. so when he says he has been unhappy for a long time what has he done about improving his marriage ? because going out all the time and getting off with another girl doesn't seem like the best way to improve a marriage.

i feel so bad for you but you will get through it .