I got back from a week away today originally booked for myself. I wanted to revisit somewhere I went as a 17 year old (almost 30 years ago now). My partner asked to come along and I agreed, but we clashed horribly. It's been a very unpleasant time.
For context I have known him for many years, two decades - we do not live together or have children and have no plans to do so. He was always suggesting buying a property, marriage, but I chose not to - my reasoning now is if it was right, I would have done it. We've always got on well though had some great chats and have plenty to talk about.
He's been much more reticent over Covid than I have and we have seen very little of each other over the last 18 months. I suspected that he wasn't bothered at all, to be honest, but he denies this. I posted last month about him criticising my driving and making little comments (example: I went out in a maxi dress, and he said I would have looked better in heels, which I challenged).
Whilst away he has criticised my driving, the fact that I can't keep up with him when walking (I've torn a knee ligament some months ago and it's not sufficiently healed), that I stop to take photographs and he's halfway down the street, that I am loud (I'm not "loud" as in gobshite or inappropriate loud. I do have a loud voice and I struggle to modulate it and as I am a lecturer it's pretty much second nature), my weight (I have put on two stones during lockdown) and the fact that I have a swollen top lip (don't know what it is, but I've now seen a pharmacist). He accused me of having lip fillers, which I haven't, and told me I looked ridiculous, like Galen from Planet of the Apes and a puffer fish.
I really don't care what he thinks, as I'm sufficiently confident in myself and other people who I know love me to not let his opinion matter. I can't even name the emotion I feel after this tirade. I'm not hurt or upset, maybe angry. I don't even know.
When he does this, I will challenge. I'll say that I don't like it and ask him to stop. Setting my own boundaries, if you like. Then it's "lighten up, laugh it off". I grew up with brothers who took the piss out of me remorselessly, and I struggle with this kind of thing.
It all came to a head when I was driving the other night and was adjusting the mirrors as he had used the car. I asked him to wind the passenger window down as I couldn't adjust it properly, I couldn't see because of the street light reflection. He was huffing and puffing. He's been constantly griping and grousing all week. I drove back and then asked him why he was doing that - why he thought asking to help me adjust wing mirrors warranted eye rolling and sighing. Normally I will challenge everything immediately - I don't see the point of stewing on things. However in the evenings if he's had a drink there's no point and I'll bring it up in the morning. It's usually on the lines of "you said X and as a result I felt Y, I'd like you not to do that/say that anymore". This usually results in him feeling picked on, he says. He says it is a "sermon" and I am "preaching" or "lecturing". I'm not, I'm asking to be treated in the way I want to be treated.
This particular evening he went nuclear, used the F word at me thirty or so times. Told me that I am "Little Miss Me", totally selfish, the holiday was all about me, me me (I asked him earlier what he wanted to do and he said he was fine to do what I wanted), he was sick of being used as a chauffeur (he'd earlier said he didn't want me to drive as he felt safer doing it himself!) I'm an attention seeker, in a world of unicorns and marshmallows, cannot keep up with him, was putting on the pain and being with me made him feel like a carer (sorry, a F-ing carer) and he wasn't going to pay me his half of the expenses.
I refused to engage with it as it turned into playground na-na-na-na-na stuff and he was baiting and goading. By refusing to engage and reading a book I was apparently "attention seeking".
He also said something very weird, that I was attention seeking by saying things in the street when I passed groups of people. This is simply not true and I have no idea where it came from. I'm someone who doesn't like attention or public spectacles at all. I did nothing for my 40th birthday because I don't want parties and the like. I'm a private person, I keep things simple on social media and I'm amazed he got me so wrong after knowing me for so long, but I think it was just him having a tantrum, perhaps.
He has not apologised, but he modified his behaviour for the last two days. There was no way I was going to leave early as I'd paid for this and it was one of my favourite places. I've not allowed him to get away with it but I have not challenged it any more either as I wanted to have my time away in peace.
He never suggests anywhere to go, anything to do. I'm effectively silenced if I challenge things he says that he sees as light hearted and I don't.
This is not daily behaviour, as I don't see him every day. I barely see him once a week, and that's fine. I am not complaining. It's always me who ends up driving or collecting him, too and I refuse to do it any longer.
I'm undecided what to do: 1. Call him and end it because of his behaviour, 2. Take his (daily) phone calls but not suggest any meet ups, because he won't and that way it will just drift and I will get on with my life.
I don't want to block him on the phone (he is not on any form of social media) because it seems childish after so many years.
I've addressed this on several occasions. I've written it out for him in a letter so I wasn't contradicted in a discussion (when he tells me I get loud - I get very frustrated) and it will not change, so the only option is to just stop it.