Break up/Ghosting/End of Relationship

[smurfette1818]

Looking for some opinions and wisdom. So my long term relationship ended two years ago, I am now fine with it but on reflection I found that most of the times useful advice are far in between. Unhelpful advices however are a lot more common both here as well as out there.

I read many posts here where the OPs were feeling confused and struggle to not contact the date. The usual replies would be along the line: he is not into you, it was only one date/X months, you are over invested, or it is your own fault to put all your eggs in one basket.

if the men vanished after DTD, OP will be told that maybe her performance in bed was not satisfactory.

Some replies sometimes even says that the OP needs therapy/work on herself and not ready to date.

The OP is also often labelled needy and desperate.

Surely, is it not just a normal emotional reaction to feel confused/sad? I think that unless you had zero feeling towards the other person (and pretended to be in relationship), it would be unlikely you'd be able to switch off your feeling instantly.

Would it not be more helpful to say to them: "ok your feeling is valid now but it will get better with time, and in a year time, you will look back and thinking he is not all that."

With Break up as well, I feel that it is expected that the second you are being dumped, the dumpee needs to instantly lost all her feeling and be this dignified/emotionless person and if you can't do that, you are pathetic.

Why is it acceptable for the dumper to walk away without much explanation and if the dumper dared to make any attempt to save the relationship, she would be labbeled crazy/desperate.

I have been in both sides and when I was the dumper, I usually try to make it as easy as possible for the other person as far as I can, telling them the specific reason (incompatibility, different life goals etc) and answer any questions they might have.

Whilst it is usually unlikely I will change my mind, I am happy to discuss it as long as the dumpee wants, especially if it was a long relationship.

If they tried to save the relationship, I would not think them as needy/desperate, I would think them as people who loved me and tried their best to keep me (as opposed to give up, and sleep with the next person, the minute I ended with them). I actually would wondered how much they actually loved me if they easily walked away without further discussion, especially after many good years together.

Not sure what I expect from this post, I suppose just a self reflection. Any thought/opinion (agree/disagree) are welcome.

The problem with making contact is that the OP would get used and strung along. I think posters try a bit of tough talking to get her to disengage. This might have been better in AIBU.

So you're saying that some advice on here isn't good advice, and doesn't go along with your way of thinking?

Well, of course. Some people would think that your advice isn't good, and doesn't go along with their way of thinking.

It's not a forum of trained counsellors. It's a random section of the public, with clever people, stupid people, experienced people, naive people etc.

Is it really surprising to you that everybody doesn't agree on the best way to do things?

This is the problem when peoplen'advise' rather than emapthise with a poster.

Empathising is sharing that it's understandable someone feels like shit and perhaps sharing what they have done in a similar situation which helped them.

Advise is what you're describing that is often irrelevant, unhelpful and upsetting to the person on the receiving end who is eligible told what to do amd hearing stated facts from complete strange who wouldn't know them if they passed them in the street or anything about their life. People can only advise from their own perspective.

A lot of MN posters think they’re giving tough love advice to ‘help’ an OP when actually they’re just lacking any empathy and being obnoxious. It gets worse when posters try to compete to show the least empathy and the most ‘tough love’ because then it’s a race to the bottom of cunty posts leaving the OP feeling even worse about herself.

It's a public forum, not an empathy-space. People can offer empathy or advice at will. It's what you expect from stating your problems in public. People say what they want to, according to their perception of what the OP needs/wants. Everybody's perception of that will be different. That's a good thing. OP gets lots of different viewpoints and lots of different ways of support. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but OP also has the choice about which to give credence to.

Yes I agree, I think there is a lot of woman bashing from other women at times, playing into the bunny boiler/hysteria/psycho theme.

It is normal to have feelings, sometimes all you need is for someone to say - yup that’s shit but equally offer advice

I think that your perspective is very one-dimensional. The advice given to ‘go no contact’ or ‘next time don’t over-invest in one person’ is practical advice, it’s not literal advice. Just because a thread doesn’t say ‘cry in your bed for 2 weeks’ doesn’t mean that it isn’t expected as part of the healing process. That mourning step is unavoidable, nobody can accelerate that stage. What people can do, however, is offer logical next steps and preventative measures to help you gain perspective.

Your suggested phrasing of ‘it gets better with time’ isn’t enlightening — it’s a given. But during a breakup that ‘time’ seems so far away, and sometimes it feels like it will never come. So no matter how emotionally-void ‘go for a long walk’ or ‘surround yourself with friends’ or ‘attend therapy’ may sound, in reality, it’s tried-and-tested activities that can keep you ticking along while the pain slowly goes away. Otherwise, the alternative is just to wallow and bask in melancholy.

If that’s your chosen route, then as long as it works for you ... brill. But for most, practical advice (even if it sounds redundant in theory) is the most effective in the long run.

@premium77 yes completely agreed that practical advice of what to do is always helpful. I guess my issue is more about posters who label the OP as crazy/bunny boiler. These posters also usually sounded very certain & speak/write with sense of authority, that they know that the OP is stupid, whist the OP probably was just in a confused state and not being herself.

the kind posters with empathy, who offered practical advice sound quieter and their voice got lost in the sea of tough advices and OP bashing comments.

I agree, so often I see "just block and delete" as advice, even when it's an actual ongoing relationship, as if it's that bloody simple! Lack of empathy indeed

It's not a forum of trained counsellors. It's a random section of the public, with clever people, stupid people, experienced people, naive people etc

People can only advise from their own perspective

@ TheFoundations, @IAmASpiderPlant true, we all must always remember that

I agree, so often I see "just block and delete" as advice, even when it's an actual ongoing relationship

@Bbub oh yes definitely! I once read about a poster who said that years ago due to lack of contacts in a new relationship, she was told to block and delete by 90% of the posters.

it turned out the new guy was having major work issue going on but did not want to burden her. They are married now and she admitted at that time with the emotion run high she actually was seriously considering to follow the "block and delete" advice. At that time some people also pressured her and asking repeatedly if she has blocked his number.

What a weird thread. Why not accept people are different and write from their own point of view? It’s not a difficult concept to understand. You are free to take or not take the advice you are given, add your own opinions to threads etc. Your opinion doesn’t trump other people’s opinions

@AnaViaSalamanca

I agree. It's like 'What's wrong with everybody? Why can't they just do things the same as me, like any decent person would??'