Co-parenting apps-ex refusing to use it

[Foofest]

Nc for this.
ExH is abusive and is intrusive with messages on different messaging platforms. He agreed to try a parenting app but is now saying it's impossible to use and he wants to continue with bombarding me via WhatsApp and messenger or via other people and the dc. The app allows me some distance and logs when the message has been read and also has a calendar and record of payments etc. I have no issues using it and it provides a good record for the court to see when we go. He tends to ignore my messages and questions and gets arsey when he doesn't get I stand replies from me.
Can anyone recommend good and free co-parenting apps please? I think he'll find fault with them all but I see this as him being controlling.

Why bother

Ignore all messages not on the app

Send message via the app - don’t worry about it not being read etc

You could type - that’s for the text dated x day about Y - here’s your answer

Agree with @BluebellsGreenbells
Before you go to court have your solicitor write to ask him to stop with the harassment and communicate through the app.

Do not bother further with apps as he will use these to control you. He remains as abusive now as when you were with him.

He will also try and use your child re contact to control you. If he indeed does want access then he needs to go through the court system. Stop with the direct contact too.

Agree with bluebelles. Don’t try and another app, it’s just you running in rings around him with no end in sight. Use the app. Ignore other questions.

We have already been to court a few times and now he's going for custody. I have to be seen as reasonable and dedicated to coparenting while he paints me as difficult and abusive and obstructive to contact. The contact he's not been able to commit to because of his job.

I don't want to use another app but if he finds one to try I will try it. He just doesn't want the effort of using something different and knows he can't text from car to tell me contact is changing. He needs to type it rather than dictate to the car and give me time to read and reply. I wish I could block him completely but I can't as we need to keep the phone lines open for anything urgent/emergencies. Is it possible to block messages but have someone on emergency bypass on an iphone? Although I could block and he could still phone in an emergency by withholding his number. Thinking out loud here.

You could block and unblock during his contact times?

He could always email too if the app really is impossible for him to use.

I have my very similar sounding ex blocked on everything except emails. I deliberately chose email is it’s the medium that doesn’t alert/illicit an immediate response.

Back that up with holding your boundaries firm. Let him know that the abusive contact is unwanted and has to stop. If he persists, the police will likely then have cause to charge him under the misuse of communications act. Ask your solicitor if a non-molestation order is appropriate in your situation - that’ll depend on the history and ferocity of the contact, of course.

Advice frequently given on here is to have a basic phone that is used just for emergency contact during the time when he actually has the DC, and leave it switched off the rest of the time. The co-parenting app will then be the only means of communication the rest of the time.

I would just block him during times he doesn't have the kids.

And never respond to anything apart from relevant questions about the children.

Send his emails straight to the junk folder.

And tell your family not to discuss you with him.
If they cant stick to that, distance yourself from them or never tell them anything you wouldnt want him knowing.

Dont try to accommodate him or meet him half way. Because this just makes you look like an easy target. Abusers take kindness as weakness and they attack it.

Do you know the fable of the frog and scorpion OP. It's where the scorpion stings and kills the frog for no other reason, than that's what it does.

An abuser is a scorpion and will be abusive. You're basically saying, I have a scorpion that keeps stinging me and won't be reasonable what should I do?

A: Expect him to behave as he's doing.

I would get some advice regarding custody which he's unlikely to get as he's not the primary parent. Have you had legal advice? You should do everything you can to try to work with him but try to remember, stressful as it is, that it's not forever, it's not for long so keep going.

Buy a cheap phone and stick your current sim in there and change your number. I know it's a pain in the arse but this is what you can control. Email is even better as it's a trail of evidence for the court case.

If you think he'll escalate ie turn up at the house then get yourself an alarm that records. Eufy do one which doesn't need a subscription. Start to take a log of his behaviour, keep all text and phone messages.

I've blocked now. I feel both better for it and more anxious at the same time because it will be used against me I'm sure. Opening up communication was a trial to see how things would go but he's just the same and I see no point in allowing the frequent intrusion into my life with messages. I dread my phone pinging wondering what he wants. He can email or use the app. He can contact me easily just not in the way he wants to.

I would send him a clear email stating that his messaging to this point has crossed the boundaries into harassment and that in future, you will only be willing to use the app for communication. And only about the children.

I'd maybe also say 'this is a number for a burner phone I have * and when you have the children you may contact me on that if there is ever an energency. Otherwise...piss off'.

(That way he cant say that he is unable to contact you to say the kids are hurt or something).

But as long as you've said in writing, this is what's what, theres nothing he can really hold against you. He can bitch and moan all he likes, it means shit (and you wont see it, cause he is blocked lol)

He's tried again tonight to pass messages via dc who then got arsey with me because I wouldn't play the triangulation game. He didn't realise he'd been blocked I don't think. Miraculously though he then managed to use the app messaging function! Fancy that! So he expects an immediate reply to fit with changes he wants for today but thinks it's ok to ignore questions I sent 4 days ago. It might be necessary to get the solicitor involved again if he continues.

Read up grey rock 🪨
Read it very hard and try to apply x
Archive his chat 💬
He won’t get full custody
He’s totally clueless and using it to scare you
Family law doesn’t even recognise custody nowadays
It’s child cantered and child
Focused

Plan B is you totally change your phone and get a Nokia only for comms with him

Onwards xxx

Your answer to DC is to say - let him know he’s free to message the app or email.

Don’t give them answers he’s looking for - he’ll have to use the other lines of communications.