I've tried hard to forget all about him, had therapy over the years where I've written letters to him and burned them, tried listing all his negative qualities, moved to a new country so I can never bump into him. But, I still think about him all the time, despite fighting it and dream about him most nights whilst lying asleep next to my husband.
I dumped him 15 years ago after a 5 year relationship because he cheated on me, was chauvinistic and arrogant. He changed during the time we were together, but at the beginning, was the sweetest, most romantic man I've still ever met. I was 18 when we met, he was 23.
We were both from broken homes, although mine was still very much broken as my parents were alcoholics so I spent most of my time at his mum's house with him. He helped me to learn to drive, went on our first abroad holiday together, had good sex (not the best I've had but it was always very experimental), he was daring, interesting and built a successful business for himself.
I never bump into him (thankfully) despite me moving back to near where I grew up, about 10 miles away. He has moved 10 miles in the opposite direction so it's not like I see him.
His life is a lot different to mine now, we would be incompatible. I've got kids, a husband, a dog and a job in charity, I enjoy helping people, I love gardening and nature. He is high up in business now, he drives fancy cars, goes to fancy business meetings, cheats on women, is unmarried and has no kids. We are poles apart from things I've heard about him since.
But this man, is still entering my head and mostly, my dreams. Last night he was singing to me a song he used to sing when we were together which I'd forgotten all about! I now can't get the lyrics out of my head which are all about going back to him should I ever need to and how he'll always be there.
It's worse now that I've decided to end my marriage (completely unrelated to the ex) and rather than dreaming of him a couple of times a week, it's a couple of times a night.
I miss the connection I had with him that I've never found again with anyone else. This hasn't come as a result of my marriage breakdown but has always been there, eating away at me, always missing him. It has always felt unfinished, like life is supposed to bring us back together somehow. Yet, I'm not sure the frumpy mum that I've become would be his cup of tea anyway!
I'm left thinking of him after another dream about him and wish it would stop. It feels like my life has moved on physically a million miles from him and yet, my mind never really has. Is it because I'm yet to meet the right person do you think?