Am I cheating?

[Jumpking]

I've been separated since Apr 2020.

July 2020 I found a FWB online, Mr A. Annoyingly he lives a 2 hr drive from me. He's very Covid anxious, so I stayed at his twice last summer. I then didn't see him again until August BH weekend 2021. When he left, he said an October meet may be on the cards for him, depending on what the Covid figures do. We message a lot every day. We sext probably around once every 2 months now. Fine by me.

His lack of availability led me to find a 2nd FWB, Mr C. We had a really intense wonderful time Oct-Dec. Lockdown he went into a depression, so we rarely messaged. When lockdown lifted, his depression lifted, his seasonal work took off so he's had v little time to message with the intensity we used to, let alone see me. Fine by me.

Mr C has been a dear friend for a long time. We've liked each other for a long time, and things are finally in a place where we can be together. But he's busy. Like every weekend and 4 nights a week busy. And it's not stuff he can get out of.

Early August, I spent the night at his. He was speaking like it was the start of a relationship (I can finally get to meet your brother sort of stuff) summer was happening, and we were both doing our thing. A few messages went to and fro, some intense messaging nights where we messaged each other back within seconds. A couple of weeks after I stayed, I asked if he'd like to meet up again. He explained he really wanted to see me again, but he had these commitments. And asked me to wait until Sept when things settled a little for him. Which was fine. Last Saturday we were messaging solidly from 7pm until 12.30am, at which point he invited me to spend the next day shopping with him. I was free, so I did. We had a lovely day being friends...me initiating the kissing at the end of the day ( which I didn't mind as years ago he told me how shy he is, even though he's a larger than life figure. Hates having his confidence knocked, so rather would not do something than have that happen. I've seen this in many ways through the years) We agreed we want to see each other again, and are enjoying our friendship changing into whatever this is. Due to the frequency we're likely to see each other though, I'm not sure how things are going to go. I like him lots and want the relationship, but his availability is going to make it difficult.

Back to mr's A and B. Mr A and I still have the occasionally hot conversation. Plus he came and stayed over Aug bank holiday weekend...so after I spent the night at Mr C's. Mr B has time to meet up next weekend for a few hours of fun. I love sex and he's great! But I'm not sure if I'm cheating on Mr C if I meet Mr B. It feels like I am, but it's in such an early stage with Mr C, I don't know. And I've not yet concluded if I'll be happy only seeing Mr C once a fortnight or less, which is how it's looking it might end up.

I know I want to have my cake and eat it. But I think my head is at the point of, until Mr C makes his intentions clear, things between us are just casual and I'm a free agent.

Go on...hit me with your thoughts. I'm ready!

Typo...the 2nd FWB should be called Mr B, not Mr C.

The lack of edit on this site really frustrates me.

You need to consider what you want. Are you looking for a settled & stable relationship, or do you want to have a series of flings?
If the former then you need to consider your priorities- which mr do you see yourself with long term? Who has the values & priorities you share & who do you enjoy being with?
If any of them, then ask them what they want too. Talk it through with that person.
If you want to continue to have multiple relationships, then make it clear to them that this is what you’re doing.
IMHO if you were genuinely ‘committed’ to a relationship with one of these guys then you probably wouldn’t have continued to see the others 🤷‍♀️

…& what’s a FWB?

I would say if it feels like you are then you probably are. There's been a conversation or something that makes you think C would expect exclusivity.

I would say you aren't technically cheating but you are near the line, because you seem to know C thinks this is something more serious than has been verbalised.

I would, personally, make a decision on C. Before doing anything.

But, tbh, I don't think there's any cake. You have 3 men, that are very unavailable when you would, ideally, like to see them more. Not so much of a problem with FWB. But your FWB seem like hard work and expect you to jump whenever they are available. It seems like you would like to see A and/or B more.

Is there ever a time you message you FWB to say you are available and they come running? Or is it always on their time table. If you were happy with that, then there's cake. But you don't seem to be.

It also seems like C can't be available as much as you would like. So I wouldn't pursue that either.

Oh friend with benefits- I got there in the end!

It doesn't really sound like you're in a clear and committed relationship with either of the Mr's. Both are busy/not available much of the time and it all seems fairly sporadic. I wouldn't call thus cheating, but I can see how they may feel differently should they find out about eachother. It really depends how you feel about them and what you're wanting. If you're happy as is, carry on but be prepared for some drama if they find out (may be an idea to be honest with both of them about seeing other people), but if you want a long term relationship, you do need to assess who you like better to put the effort in with (if either).

FWB = a friend with benefits. It's a casual relationship based on sex where neither party intend it to develop into an exclusive relationship.

Cross post!

Well I don’t think you’re cheating but I’m going to gamble and say he’s not going to like it very much if he finds out. Evidenced by the fact that you wrote:

Hates having his confidence knocked, so rather would not do something than have that happen

That would put me off a bit. No-one likes having their confidence knocked but you can’t be passive your whole life. Does he have a massively fragile ego?
I would probably have made it clear at the start that you’ve got some interests elsewhere. Whether you want to bring it up now I don’t know but it would be better if you were all on the same page. I suspect if you want a real relationship with Mr C you’re going to have to bin the other guy but honestly why would you for a few hours here and there. How can he be so busy? I don’t think either of them are relationship material to be honest.

Fill your boots.. no one seems available at all times and everyone is a free agent. Men do this alllllll the time! Just be safe!!

If it feels like it's cheating, why not tell Mr B that you're busy / unavailable, for a change, and give things with Mr C chance to develop and see what happens and if he can resolve his availability issue. FWB are 10 a penny, if Mr A or B can't be arsed to wait for you for a change, you can find another FWB if things don't work out with Mr C. But decent relationships are much harder to find.

It would be a shame if things did end up going really well with Mr C but you felt you had a guilty secret because you felt you'd cheated at the beginning.

None of the Mr's are exactly moving mountains to spend time with you or commit to the bare bones of anything and they all seem to be doing their own thing so don't make any of them a priority/sacrifice anything for them either.

But, don't let Me C leave you hanging! If he can't resolve his availability issues, perhaps he is not for you?

On the one hand I think women tend to lock themselves down before an actual commitment has been agreed because it looks like one is coming. I think you're single until you aren't.

On the other I think that this situation could and is becoming messy. If things take off with Mr C(?)/the old friend and he finds out it could create drama that you don't need.

@backtoschoolagainagain

If it feels like it's cheating, why not tell Mr B that you're busy / unavailable, for a change, and give things with Mr C chance to develop and see what happens and if he can resolve his availability issue. FWB are 10 a penny, if Mr A or B can't be arsed to wait for you for a change, you can find another FWB if things don't work out with Mr C. But decent relationships are much harder to find.

It would be a shame if things did end up going really well with Mr C but you felt you had a guilty secret because you felt you'd cheated at the beginning.

Maybe I'm picky when it comes to FWB. These are the 2 I've whittled it down to after trying out a few! I certainly don't find that they're 2 a penny. I need to be able to trust them, as my job is a professional one. They could kill my career, so I'm very careful.

I really don't want anything long term with Mr A or Mr B.

Mr As Covid anxiety will never get him out more than he feels comfortable with. Can't argue with that. Our daily conversations are good fun, so don't want to wave him off.

Saying no to Mr B next weekend... I did think about that, but I haven't seen him since June and I like what he does 😉 His crazy busy work season is coming to a close as winter draws on. It's likely we'll go back to seeing each other more, like we did last Autumn.

Having pondered this all day, I think I've concluded that if I see Mr C this week, then I'll cancel Mr B at the weekend. It'll give me a chance to chat with Mr C about what "us" looks like realistically moving forward. If I don't see Mr C, that'll be a fortnight since I last saw him... Making it no relationship, that's for sure, despite how I think he views things progressing between us.

Mr C's ties are likely to last for at least the next 4 years...I really like him, but he'll need to accept things with us can only be casual, or nothing at all, if he doesn't have time to build a relationship with me. Which really makes me sad, as me and him just click. All our friends spotted it months ago. But if something good can't get off the ground, it was never going to be good I guess.