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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Push/pull relationship

32 replies

andthatsallfolks · 11/09/2021 07:35

I don't know why I'm even asking this. Full disclosure I'm not NT so I struggle a lot.

I've been seeing a guy for a few months. It has been quite intense. In many ways we work really well together. He has said many times he's falling for me.

But I have a pretty awful past. I'm getting counselling now finally. But I struggle with trust.

We keep getting in situations where he gets upset because I don't trust him. I'm trying. I really am. But I find things hard sometimes.

Last night we were chatting over video. He said he wanted to see more of me. I messed around a bit but didn't feel comfortable showing him my body. The call went weird. He texted me after saying he just wanted 'normal' and that he felt sad.

I just feel like it's a kick in the teeth. I thought we were having fun and messing around. But if he doesn't get what he wants it all goes to shit and I feel 'abnormal'.

He was out last night and drinking. So I'm trying to think maybe that coloured his judgement. But it's always like this. I feel like I'm not good enough. But I know I'm a handful. I have a lot of issues to work through.

I'm just so sad and drained this morning. I'm meant to see him today. I dont even know if he wants me over and I have hours before I guess he'll wake up and I can't stop feeling shit.

OP posts:
Chocaholic9 · 11/09/2021 12:18

I don't like the sound of this guy. He is shaming you by saying he wants "normal" - implying you're not. So many red flags.

Ambo21 · 11/09/2021 15:38

If a man cant see you for the unique awesome human being that YOU are.. then he is not worth your company, concern or time.
Do not invest any more of your precious life in this creature... you are worth more than he can ever offer you.

We should all be printing the posts from @TheFoundations and hanging them on our walls.. magnificent!!

Sandybeachtowel · 11/09/2021 16:21

You have issues with trust and you are getting counselling, good! I don’t think you are quite ready for a relationship yet, as it’s affecting you this early on. If anything you need to work on your self worth.

But..
This guy is bad. He isn’t respecting your boundaries and he’s sulking when you put boundaries in place. It does not matter if he was or wasn’t drinking, that’s irrelevant. Please don’t make excuses for bad behaviour. It’s a major red flag, in fact it’s a total deal breaker!
You are not comfortable in this relationship and this guy is tearing down the hard work you have done in counselling.
Get rid of him. Love yourself more. Keep the boundaries and if guys don’t respect them then goodbye to them!

givinglessfucksdaily · 11/09/2021 16:25

I agree with all of the above
You are fab .. really fab
Stick to your principles and whatever you feel comfortable with , this manchild can just piss off

SophieKat1982 · 11/09/2021 16:44

Him saying something is ‘normal’ doesn’t make it so. His request would make me feel uncomfortable, too. In fact, I wouldn’t do it and I wouldn’t care what he or anyone else thought about that.

IrishMel · 11/09/2021 17:30

No one should pressure you into doing anything you feel uncomfortable with ever. Your gut feeling is telling you something and he is the one making you feel crap about yourself. Get rid of him and your confidence will soar again. He is a selfish perv and only putting his own interests first. He is not caring or a loving boyfriend but a sex pest. Please move on from him and just block him and spend time alone and when you meet someone decent he will not put this pressure on you and it will all just happen naturally. Be kind to yourself and ditch him as he is a horrible person.

Glitterandunicorns · 11/09/2021 18:00

@TheFoundations I just wanted to say thank you. This is truly excellent advice and I'm grateful to you for sharing it.

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