Is it time to end it?

[Gatekeeperoffood]

I met DP over a year ago and he is everything I want in a partner (intelligent, funny, kind, honest, responsible, attractive etc.). However, there is one problem that is really making me doubt whether this relationship is worth sticking at.

The main issue is his lack of communication skills which ultimately make me feel quite lonely in the relationship, plus it isn't really progressing in terms of how much we see each other/are involved in each others lives. I strongly believe he has high functioning ASD, he's extremely regimented and cannot do anything spontaneous or see me during the week. He's also very career focused (something I admire) but it feels his whole life (and commitment to me) is tied to this. He told me he doesn't want to "settle down" until he gets a job in a very specific field (he's just finished a PhD) but he's been applying for months (whilst turning down genuine opportunities in other fields) and getting nowhere. He's also applying for jobs hundreds of miles away, so obviously we would have to be long distance if he gets it, which I'm not thrilled about but I'm trying to be supportive.

We generally see each other EOW and he does mostly travel to me and spends the whole weekend but some months I will only see him one weekend. What's worse is that in the interim, he barely texts or answers calls. He turns his phone off during working hours and will rarely call me outside of our "agreed" time of 10pm. I get that he is busy (I also am working plus studying for my PhD) but it's really hard to create any intimacy when we barely talk. He can also be very formal and abrupt with his comments which has caused alot of misunderstandings between us. An example, he text today to say being with me isn't a chore "most of the time". Romance is non existent eg. for my birthday he told me he went to sainsburys for flowers but they didn't have any, so put £20 in a card. It just felt very last minute and thoughtless, whereas I try to buy him thoughtful gifts. He's also very inexperienced in relationships (only ever had one 6 month relationship several years ago).

The reality is I'm 36 and this relationship is the closest I've come to a "healthy" one. He has so many good qualities but the bottom line is it doesn't feel like a real relationship, just a booty call. He's adamant he loves me and it's just because he is stressed about work and doesn't feel like he deserves to enjoy himself by seeing me. I feel like I have to wait for him to get this dream job and then everything will be great between us but then there is also no guarantee that anything will change. I'm ready to settle down and get married and don't want to waste time either in a dead end relationship.

What should I do?

Ah bless you. To me it reads of a half life. Get out there and get more. I'm sorry. It is sad and will hurt, but when you've met someone loving and exciting, you'll not even look back xxx be brave xxx and believe you can and will, and set off and find it xxx

I would leave him to his life. You also cannot assume that he is anywhere on an ASD spectrum.

I do wonder what you are getting out of this because I would not class this as a relationship in any way shape or form. If this is what it’s like a year in, it’s not going to get any better for you. You’re settling here for very little indeed and are you only with him because you think you are 36 so old and or time is running out for you?. He does not want what you want. You’re an option here for him rather than a priority and he is more than prepared to move away to get this supposed dream job he thinks he deserves. He is also not wanting to contact you at all outside his preferred time of 10:00pm!.

Rebuild your life without him and love your own self for a change. Why is it the case that this “relationship” with him is the closest you’ve come to a healthy relationship?. What is your own relationship history like?. My guess is it’s been pretty much dire to date. What are your boundaries like in relationships?. My guess is that they are far too low also.

What would you be advising a friend in this situation?. You’d no doubt be advising them to end it with him.

His unwavering rigidity should have been a deal breaking red flag ages ago. You, your needs, and your feelings will always come in last place in this man's life. You know you need to end it so do it. You're wasting your time.

And 36 is not old nor are you too old to start again. You are wasting your time with this man who is both unable and unwilling to give to a relationship what you want and need. It’s more than ok for you to walk away if you are unhappy for whatever reason and you only need to give your own self permission to leave.

It sounds like you’re trying to force it because he’s a good guy but that the relationship is just not working for you. As hard as it will be it honestly sounds like you should let him go and find someone you are more compatible with. Don’t settle.

My relationship history has been pretty dire, I don't think I know what "normal" is. I do feel like time is running out, I'm getting older and feel very alone.

I'm on the waiting list for an ASD assessment myself (have several close family members diagnosed) and I find it really hard to meet people. I've tried Internet dating (where I met this one) but it just puts me off men altogether!!

You need to end it. Ultimately he is unable to fulfill your needs