Don’t know what to do anymore :(

[Anon1115]

Evening everyone.

I don’t really know what I expect to happen from this but think I just need to get everything out of my head.

I love my husband more than anything. We fell in love very quickly and now have 2 wonderful children. I just don’t know if I am letting myself down by being in this marriage. Like I said, I love my DH so so much and I can’t imagine growing old with anyone else. I just honestly think I’m worth more than the way he treats me. I know he loves me but I just don’t ever feel valued.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and don’t keep much in, it’s seems to annoy him. He gets frustrated at me whenever I get down. I’m generally happy and upbeat but any sadness seems like it’s an inconvenience. He always expects me to just get over things, if I’m crying one minute and five minutes later I’m a little down he’s like “what’s wrong now”. Comforting just doesn’t seem to be something he knows how to do. Even when I was having a second miscarriage, he literally went sleep next to me whist I was bleeding all night. It angers him whenever I mention it, saying are you always going to bring that up. I get it, I just want to explain how deep it hurts when he treats me like that.

He’s found parenting a big challenge. Not that it’s not challenging, but it seems like the kids are frustrating all the time. They are 2 and 6 months so I get it, it’s a lot but they are little they needs us and that’s just the way it is. Don’t get me wrong, play time he is the best at but everything else just seems to get to him if it’s not easy. We clash all the time over our parenting styles. Which is so hard when my children are the most important things in the world to me.

Also, I know I’m not attractive. Im overweight, have very frizzy hair, not the best teeth and just generally a bit meh. Motherhood hasn’t don’t me any favours either. It’s just hard to see that in his eyes to. I’ve never felt like he’s ever found me pretty. Even on our wedding day. Any time has said something nice it seems awkward likes he’s struggling to say it.

I just never feel good enough, like I’m just filling a gap and now am the easy option. I just want someone to love me and take care of me, to be there for me and to make me feel special. I want that person to be the man I love so very much, my husband.

I could ramble on all day, sorry for such a long post. I don’t really have anyone to talk to so thought this might help.

Oh I'm sorry, its horrible feeling like that.

Did he used to be different or did you hope he'd change?
🤗

@Anon1115 - I could have written your post word for word. In fact I came on here to write almost exactly the same post. It’s such a lonely way to feel, isn’t it?

After months (years!) of soul searching and self doubt, I’m leaving my marriage. I deserve more. Would you consider the same?

I could have written exactly what you wrote. Even down to the crying and the miscarriages. I wish I could help you, but it’s helped me, knowing someone else feels the same way.

I'm sorry to hear this.

I think you know the answer deep down.

Don't stay with someone for fear of being alone.

You always have yourself and if he's not treating you how you desire to be treated, you're further away from being in an equal partnership by staying with him. Or maybe you are deep down knowing that you're ok to put up with this aspect of the relationship as there may be many other facets to it that are worth keeping. Keep in mind the 80/20 rule. If you're getting 80 percent of what makes you happy, then 20 percent wiggle room outside of that is usually ok.

It's time to do some deep digging. Sending you good thoughts and prayers xxx

Life rule number 1 for happiness: Choose people to be around who make you feel good just for being yourself.

The person you are around 24/7 and can never avoid for a single minute for your whole life is you. Start there: have a look at whether or not you are nice to yourself. Whether you feel good to be around you. It looks like you're quite mean to yourself (you wouldn't speak about a friend in the way you've spoken about yourself in your post)

Really, by treating you like an unattractive person, he's just agreeing with what you think of yourself, and that's why you stay with him. Because you agree about these core opinions. Change how you think of you. Relationships where one person has healthy self esteem and the other one treats them as if they're worthless don't work, because Mr(s) Healthy Self Esteem walks away.

Explain to your husband that you are not getting what you need from what he's offering you. Tell him what you need, and that you want it from him. No drama, just tell him, quietly, and calmly. Make sure he knows that the continuation of the relationship depends on it.

If he doesn't respect what you've said, and make some changes, leave. I know it's not what you want to hear. But if he knows you're unhappy, and that he can help you feel better, and he still chooses not to do it, then staying with him will be you choosing your own unhappy future.

Take responsibility. You are currently demonstrating to your kids that an unfulfilling relationship is what adults do. They will replicate this in their adulthood. I know this because I'm a kid brought up by parents in an unhappy relationship; it screws up your view of what a relationship should look like. I had counselling in my 40s to get to the bottom of my million crap short term relationships.

Get this sorted out, for your kids, if nothing else. Be a mum who chases happiness and takes responsibility for her own fulfillment, regardless of what any man says.

I really don't understand. What's to love about him? He derides you, dismisses you, puts you down, and you love him? My guess is you love the man you wish he could be, (which he never will be, btw), so you keep lying to yourself that things are OK?

I'm sorry, op, but who you see now is who he will always be. I hope you think you deserve batter than that.

@AmelieLovesAutumn really I think he’s always been like it but as time has gone on and the children have come along it just feels so much worse. :(

@TheFoundations

Life rule number 1 for happiness: Choose people to be around who make you feel good just for being yourself.

The person you are around 24/7 and can never avoid for a single minute for your whole life is you. Start there: have a look at whether or not you are nice to yourself. Whether you feel good to be around you. It looks like you're quite mean to yourself (you wouldn't speak about a friend in the way you've spoken about yourself in your post)

Really, by treating you like an unattractive person, he's just agreeing with what you think of yourself, and that's why you stay with him. Because you agree about these core opinions. Change how you think of you. Relationships where one person has healthy self esteem and the other one treats them as if they're worthless don't work, because Mr(s) Healthy Self Esteem walks away.

Explain to your husband that you are not getting what you need from what he's offering you. Tell him what you need, and that you want it from him. No drama, just tell him, quietly, and calmly. Make sure he knows that the continuation of the relationship depends on it.

If he doesn't respect what you've said, and make some changes, leave. I know it's not what you want to hear. But if he knows you're unhappy, and that he can help you feel better, and he still chooses not to do it, then staying with him will be you choosing your own unhappy future.

Take responsibility. You are currently demonstrating to your kids that an unfulfilling relationship is what adults do. They will replicate this in their adulthood. I know this because I'm a kid brought up by parents in an unhappy relationship; it screws up your view of what a relationship should look like. I had counselling in my 40s to get to the bottom of my million crap short term relationships.

Get this sorted out, for your kids, if nothing else. Be a mum who chases happiness and takes responsibility for her own fulfillment, regardless of what any man says.

This is brilliantly put xx

Sometimes people convince themselves they really, really love their partner when really it is fear of leaving and being alone that keeps them in their unfulfilling relationship.

Your husband is a selfish waste of space. You need to see him for what he is and act on your feelings. If he doesn't respect and cherish you, then you will always know you can do better. That's a pretty sad way to live, isn't it?

@Anon1115. Sadly, I think you know what you need to do, you just need to find the strength to do it. Your babies will be fine, don't use them as an excuse not to separate. They'll be happier (in the future) growing up with a mum who is happy, not one that is living in a marriage that doesn't make her happy.

No matter how difficult it seems, you will be fine. You're stronger than you know!

Honestly, he is a good man. I do love him, so much. On paper it sounds awful and sometimes I feel it but In reality it’s not as bad as it sounds. I’m not innocent in this either. I know I nag and get irritated when things aren’t done and like things done in a certain way, but then I’ll just do it if I’m picky about it and don’t expect it done my way, just done.

I have told him many times how I feel and how it’s hard to feel like your annoying someone when your upset or need comforting. He just says I’m not annoying I just don’t know what to do or say and I don’t want to make it worse. But he does, he makes me feel worse not better. But generally life is better when he’s around just not when I need him if you understand.

It breaks my heart to think about splitting my family up. It physically hurts to think of my boys to be between two homes. I feel like such a failure for even thinking of that life for them. I know so many families that are happy like this and I mean no offence by writing that, I just didn’t think it would be a possibility of my life.

It's bad enough that you're posting on a forum for support from strangers.

I think you're in denial a little bit. You say 'It feels bad', MN says 'It is bad', and you say 'It isn't bad'. You say you don't know what to do any more, and that's because you're minimising the problem, and that's because you're not facing up to the fact that in order to change things, you need to take steps bigger than you want to take.

Either learn to be happy with him as he is (not recommended), or face the fact that you need to make some major changes. Don't use your heartbreak about your kids having split-up parents as an excuse. I wish my Mum had had the balls to leave my dad when I was little. There were lots of laughs in our house but she wasn't happy, just like you, and I knew very young that we would have all been better off if they separated. Kids don't need a house with 2 parents in it. They need an example set for them in how to be happy.