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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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TRIGGER WARNING (DV): I made the mistake of not pressing charges the first time and now he's made a malicious allegation against me.

18 replies

justbeenpushedagain · 10/09/2021 17:05

I don't know where to start.

He pushed me over while I was holding DC2 and we were both hurt. Not massively but there was violence. I called the police since DC1 was also present and I saw the look of fear, confusion, hurt on their face. Social services were (rightly) involved but closed their case after the safeguarding assessment deemed them no longer at risk. He promised me the world and it's auntie that he'd do everything in his power to make it up to us. DC doted (still do) on him so I felt like I had no choice but to make it work for their sakes. I didn't press charges at the time because a) I was in shock b) I didn't want to ruin his career and c) since he was out of the house, I thought problem solved.

Anyway, he came back. Had another argument which escalated and while I was taking DC for a nap, he pushed me again and DC1 was hurt (fell against the door frame). He left and my priority was to calm the children down, carry on with nap time and then plan next steps while children were sleeping. Managed to get an appointment at GP to get DC1 seen and when I got back, I had a call from a social worker to say my husband had reported me to the police for assault. In shock, I asked her to come over the next day for a chat and as before, agreed to fully cooperate.

Anyway, fast forward to now, SW has put the children forward for a child in need (CIN) assessment. Gutted but the children are my priority so any help I receive will be gratefully received (I don't think there is any help though- they promised me the world last time and I rarely heard back from the SW at the tune). Anyway, the biggest kick in the teeth is that he's ruined my career- I work with children and I've been told my employer has been told about my DC being subject to a CiN. I've just received a call from my manager who has informed me that they can't risk having me around the children at the setting I work in and that I should contact my union for further advice except I'm not part of a union because I've only just started.

It's all over, I've ruined my children by exposing them to a toxic marriage, which resulted in them being hurt and now I've lost my career. I can't go on. I can't afford anything on my own since he was the one paying for everything.

His work won't be involved because he doesn't work with children or vulnerable adults. It's all on me. I feel like ending things but I can't leave my children. There is absolutely no help or support available. Ive been trying to call all the DV helplines out there and have left several
Messages since the first lockdown but they've never got back to me. What do I do?! I need a handhold and guidance on what to do next. I feel broken, humiliated (the SW teams investigating us are a team I've worked very closely with), I know the nursery staff well and now they all know what a shit life I've been leading and how I've put my children in harms way. Feeling hopeless atm.

OP posts:
justbeenpushedagain · 10/09/2021 17:07

I've got amazing outings booked for the Dc in the next couple of weeks but will have to cancel them since there's no way of me getting there since I was never allowed to drive (finances, being told I'd never pass because I'm dyspraxic). I just feel like I should give up now and hand kids over to him since I'm such a no hoper.

OP posts:
Outfoxedbyrabbits · 10/09/2021 18:03

I'm really sorry to read all of this, OP. It sounds incredibly stressful but I'm sure there will be a way through.

Ive been trying to call all the DV helplines out there and have left several
Messages since the first lockdown but they've never got back to me.

Have you tried to contact any local DV support? Often they can be more responsive than the national helplines.

It's good that you called the police the first time as there should still be a record of the incident even if no charges were filed. How long ago was it?

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 10/09/2021 18:04

Sorry, posted too soon! I would contact the local police, explain the history and ask to speak with their domestic violence specialist.

uglyflowers · 10/09/2021 18:23

Don’t give up. Your kids need you more than ever. Also they are not safe to be around him. You need to report him to the police and get yourself to a safe space. If you died, he’d get custody of them and abuse them too so you’ve got to stay strong for their sake. Have you rung women’s aid?

LastGirlSanding · 10/09/2021 18:23

Oh this sounds so difficult. No wonder you feel so awful. You must feel utterly overwhelmed but all is not lost. I know it feels that way but it isn’t. The complaint your ex has made has no grounds and will be looked upon dimly. Your children will not necessarily go on a CIN plan once the assessment is done and hopefully this could help with stopping him getting access to you or them.

Work wise have you been fired or suspended? I’m not sure how things work with unions on cases like these but I think that it is possible to join a relevant union and ask for support?

Sorry you’re going through this.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 10/09/2021 18:27

It's totally normal procedure that the LADO would advise your employer if you've been accused of assault. It doesn't mean you've ruined your career or that you will lose your job. Go and join the union now.
Honestly - this isn't the worst thing in the world. It's out in the open now and regardless of what you did then you can still report this assault to the police and make a statement.
You need help to get through this. The social worker should be able to help you get DA support.

FlissMumsnet · 10/09/2021 20:45

Hi justbeenpushedagain,

We hope you don't mind us dropping in to say we're so sorry to hear what a tough time you're having.

Take a look at our web-guide which we hope may be helpful. [[https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.

We hope you can find some reliable, supportive, real-life help very soon
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

picklemewalnuts · 10/09/2021 20:55

Anyone can be subjected to a malicious accusation. You mustn't feel to blame for that. You made a GP appointment. You looked after your DC.

He made an accusation, yet left the D.C. with you- in other words he didn't believe the dc were at risk with you.

Don't panic. This will be sorted out.

category12 · 10/09/2021 20:57

You can't give him the children, you need to be there to keep them safe and show them a different way of living than he would.

If your career is really ended by this, then you'll get another job doing something else.

Your life is not over, it just might end up different than you planned.

daretodenim · 10/09/2021 21:09

This is horrendous. Post on here all you need. There is one thing that would be worse: your children believing they weren't important enough for you to stay alive for them and being "cared for" by this abusive fucker.

This is not meant as emotional blackmail. It's a reality, I'm afraid. One I too have had to face at times.

The days out aren't important right now. What's important is that your children are ok. And they are, and they will be, because they have an excellent mother.

This situation isn't your fault for believing him. It's his fault for being an arse of the highest order.

Thoughtcontagion · 10/09/2021 21:11

Firstly take a moment.

Have you reported and got the injuries logged on the last incident, make sure the police have a record and that it’s medically backed up.

Any messages etc from that day make sure they are backed up as well.

SW are used to false allegations, sounds like he tried to get a report In before you, typical behaviour of someone who is abusive, they so promise the world and that they will change and no one will blame you for feeling all those feelings and believing those promises, women should get so much more support in the weeks after leaving relationships.

Stay strong, show them you want to work with them and that protecting your children is priority, you’re a victim, you were manipulated and coerced.

Keep trying your local service x

Plumpavocado · 10/09/2021 21:16

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

I never managed to speak to anyone anytime I called Women's Aid, but I finally left my contact details on an online form and someone called me back. They put me in touch with a local DV charity that supported me massively. Keep trying.

Eyesofdisarray · 10/09/2021 21:28

Keep trying Women's Aid OP
Social care have to follow procedures, it's horrible for you but work with them. The truth will come out
Take care, hold on in there 💐

minniemouseshouses · 10/09/2021 21:42

Hold on OP, this is the time you will be strong for your children and you will get through this better on the other side. Make sure you report the abuse you’ve experienced. Take all the good advice you are getting here. Step by step you will survive this. Flowers

SleepingBunnies21 · 10/09/2021 21:55

Try Rights of Women.

SleepingBunnies21 · 10/09/2021 21:57

rightsofwomen.org.uk/

SleepingBunnies21 · 10/09/2021 21:59

Also women's aid ... they have online chat service til 6pm i think.

(As well as phoning local branches).

SleepingBunnies21 · 10/09/2021 22:01

Have you reported both assaults to the police.

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