Feeling Low

[bookwormlady]

I suppose I just want to vent.

I've always had bad luck with relationships. The last two men I dated weren't really in to me and I ended up hurt. In fact I think one of them love bombed me and I didn't do anything about the red flags.

I got back on the dating wagon and have had some dates but just haven't clicked with anyone. Someone I knew a couple of years ago got in touch. I've always liked him but he's not interested. It seems to be a reoccurring pattern.

I'm not desperate to meet someone but I just don't have any support from anyone and I'm dealing with some stressful things. It would be nice to get a text from a partner asking me how I am after a hard day at work or have a hug.

I've tried to be positive - I contacted a friend but they were too busy to meet for a drink, I thought about getting a dog but I am going to have to start going to the office full time next week. I seem to be at a dead end.

I had a good night's sleep and have been out for a walk. I still feel rubbish. Any advice or feel free to tell me to belt up. Thanks

Join a club. Learn an instrument. Play a sport. Go on a museum tour. Book a guided walking tour of your local city. Go see a band. Learn to knit at a knitting group. Volunteer for ParkRun. Book a hot air balloon ride. Learn how to make truffles and give them to your friends. Go to a beginner's running group. Bulk cook for a month, this weekend.

In short, do some stuff to take your mind off it. You'll meet new people along the way. Don't sit looking at Mumsnet focusing on how you feel rubbish. That doesn't cheer anyone up.

A partner is not the goal. Contentedness, fulfillment, self respect are goals. A partner would be a happy side effect.

Move your focus.

but I just don't have any support from anyone and I'm dealing with some stressful things. It would be nice to get a text from a partner asking me how I am after a hard day at work or have a hug

No advice, but I feel EXACTLY like this.

Hi Op,

I'm sorry that you're feeling down about your situation.

Meeting someone suitable is a combination of timing and luck, rather than some preconceived formula that others seem to think/believe it is. I've literally spent more or less 20 years dating (including a few long term relationships which included a marriage) to again end up single. I'm not sure whether it was me or them or the dynamic but nonetheless none of the relationships worked out ultimately.

I have also found that being single in your 30s/late 30s without a very active social life, living nearby family or having a partner to be an isolating experience. My situation is slightly different in a sense that I'm currently pregnant (solo mother by choice) so I'm not looking for a partner/'desperate' for one as you put it, but I appreciate wanting some emotional support from someone who cares about you. Do you have any family nearby or available for a chat on the phone? I've found this to be invaluable when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Also, when single it is easy to 'romanticise' support that these mystical partners would offer, however I agree a text and a phonecall doesn't seem too demanding.

I can't give much advice and I'd rather not offer the standard bingos of 'have a bubble bath' 'read a book' or 'join a meet up group', sometimes we want to be cared for rather than engage in yet more solitary activities which we are only doing to distract ourselves and fill time with or activities in a group of people who are complete strangers only to feel disconnected emotionally in the end.

If possible, I'd advise to try and lean on family members as at least they are familiar and do genuinely care about you I'd imagine. I just wanted to say I understand where you're coming from

Thanks for your replies.

@anthurium - I haven't got family who can help. Congratulations on being a solo parent

Hi op you need to do things that can increase your self esteem - will you take on any of the suggestions above.
A partner won’t fix us - get some hobbies - look at meet ups - enjoy being single - that’s when your likely to meet someone. - being happy in yourself is the goal really - we shouldn’t need anyone -

@bookwormlady

Thanks for your replies.

@anthurium - I haven't got family who can help. Congratulations on being a solo parent

This is me too OP. I think people who have family can't imagine what its like to feel that there is no-one solid who is there for you. It can make you feel very alone, especially when things are hard and you realise there is no-one really to turn to. It's normal to want there to be someone who has your back. Its hard if there isn't. Having a family just gives you that store of security, of connectedness inside yourself. People who have always had this probably don't even realise they have it, its just always been a constant for them. But its hard without it.

I'm really not looking for a partner to fix me or to boost my self esteem.I am very independent but lacking support during a stressful time. Just a bit down about it but I'm sure I will be OK in a few weeks.

Thanks again for your replies.