Does he just love to wallow?

[Onslow1964]

Can someone please tell me if I’m being an awful wife?
Firstly (to rant!) my husband and I caught covid within days of eachother a couple of months ago. Weren’t too poorly luckily and suffered pretty much same symptoms. We don’t have children. I was positive a few days before him, however my life didn’t change. I was still making our dinners, cleaning house etc (I know I should of been keeping my distance, but clearly nothing will have been done). Husband didn’t even make me a cup of tea when I had it before him.
We are both WFH and I think I took one day off to go to my bed. He caught it a few days later, had two weeks off work, didn’t lift a finger, slept constantly. Which is fine, but I’m slightly annoyed I didn’t get the same recovery.
We are now months on and he claims he is still exhausted (clocks off at 4pm and sleeps everyday) and is suffering from headaches (which I am too, just getting on with it). He will tell anyone who will listen - in fact it’s all he talks about!
He hates work, doesn’t sleep well because he claims he is so stressed with it which in turn disrupts my sleep every night.
I don’t think it helps that he naps every day during the day (he’s 36 by the way) and doesn’t do anything to wear him out.
I’ve tried to get him to exercise to ease some stress, however he won’t help himself and would rather sit on sofa every night. Suggested reading, walking etc. And get nothing back.
We work from home 24/7 so no stressful commute, on flexi time and great holiday scheme. Like I say he clocks off daily at 4pm to sleep! He is on a good wage without having to manage anyone. Tbh spends most of his day smoking outside in the garden.
I have even looked online for a job for him but can’t get anything to match his salary that doesn’t come with huge responsibility! We are all having to take on extra stresses at work with covid!
It seems he just likes to moan constantly and not do anything about it. It’s really draining me.
I’ve just found out I’m pregnant after 3 miscarriages and still pretty much doing everything as well as counselling and Pilates/yoga to help my anxiety. He smokes like a trooper and despite me practically begging is showing no signs of quitting and just ignores any proactive advice I try to give him in terms of anything. Feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall.

I told him this morning he loves to wallow - am I horrible? I appreciate he sounds a little depressed but there’s only so much I can do to help. It has to come from him. Any advice? Am I just being a massive whinge?

Tbh, I don't get depressed from what you have written, I just get lazy.

He needs a massive kick up the arse if you're going to have a baby with him, or your life will be just all drudge with no support

Not really sure why you decided to have a baby with this dick? Its not going to get better.

And I agree, he doesn't sound depressed. He just sounds like a typical covert narcissist. Everything in his life is shit because he says so and it's your job to sit there and absorb his negativity. I'm betting he doesnt care a jot to listen to your genuine problems though.

Time to go op. Life is too short to spend on wankers who will only ever care about themselves. And your baby doesn't deserve an environment where their dad sucks the life out of their mother.

Do you want to successfully complete the 'I'm a perfect wife' checklist, or do you want to be yourself and have a husband who respects you?

No not trying to be the perfect wife, trying to do all I can from my end but frustrating when it feels like he isn’t trying himself. Not much energy left …

Yeah he sounds like a total dick..not giving up smoking even tho your pregnant?! That's disgusting.
You can do better than this overgrown toddler.

You’re right he’s not trying himself. He’s perfectly happy with the way things are . He does his relatively easy well paid job and relaxes the rest of the time. You do everything else now and soon you will do all the care for a baby on top.

He’s lazy and selfish and he won’t change. Sorry .

This isn't about you being horrible or whingy. You have your needs. Respect them, and expect those who claim to love you to respect them too.

The question is, what happens when he doesn't respect your boundaries? It sounds like the consequence for him is that you just keep asking and asking and asking and asking and asking and asking... you can see how it gets tedious, right? For both of you. It doesn't work.

'You love wallowing' and other accusations won't help either.

So, you're not happy, and the question is, what are you going to change? You can't change him. You need to decide what you will accept, what you won't accept, and what the consequences are, then make that plain to him, and follow through.

My ExH was like this, to the extent that I never mentioned when I felt ill / had a headache as he'd see it as an excuse to feel worse and be lazy

The absolute last straw though was when I had labour pains and he went to bed with a stomach ache... as if!!

Onslow1964 it sounds as though you are making yourself responsible for his happiness/contentment/satisfaction with life. I recognise it as that's what I do/did with both my exH and now my DP. Its really hard to do but you have to take yourself away from the responsibility - he's an adult and if he wants to waste his life sleeping/smoking/doing nothing thats not your fault. You need to live your own life - I did this which is why my ex is now my ex but at least it was amicable (and on the cards from the minute the youngest child turned 10 if I'm honest). As TheFoundations said, you can't change him. He won't change.

I think it depends how he was before he had Covid. If he was very active and this is all subsequent to the virus it could be Long Covid.

If he's always been like this, then he's a bit lazy.

Sounds like covid gave him a legitimate excuse in his mind to be lazy. If he's depressed I doubt he is prepared to do anything about it. If this is as good as it gets, it might be time to think about splitting up. He doesn't sound remotely motivated to do anything. I don't see that changing when a baby arrives. Do you?