Help or advice, gone off sex since DC2

[HotandHumid2021]

Hoping someone can give some wisdom here as I'm losing hope of ever getting my sex drive back.

I had DC2 about 4 years ago, fairly untraumatic VB. Long story short is ever since DC2 was born my sex drive has evaporated. Perhaps its more accurate to say the thought of sex makes me recoil slightly - it just does not appeal and even sometimes revolts me.

DH is a lovely kind patient man, he absolutely pulls his weight regarding childcare and household chores so it's not that I'm exhausted and resentful. Obv I am sometimes exhausted with a fairly demanding job and two DC to juggle, but I have just as much time off as DH does and I love him both for who he is and for what an excellent father / role model he is for the kids.

I look at him and fancy him, I'm happy hugging and kissing him, but tbh I just don't see the appeal of intercourse.

DH has been very patient and understanding but both of us want to regain some of our previous sex life - our plan is to stay together for ever so never having / enjoying sex again isn't really an option.

We have penetrative sex maybe once every month or two, and it's OK... But only if I've got myself into the right mood. As DH gets closer to orgasm I feel myself getting tense and uptight and I don't enjoy the animal release of him orgasming.

Other sexy things we do - I give him a hand job once or twice a week with lots of cuddling and kissing. It feels an important way of bridging the gap between what I'd like and what is a bare minimum of zexual intimacy in two adults. I'm happy enough doing it but in all honesty I view it as a chore akin to loading the dishwasher.

DH is very keen to give me head as much as I'll allow him, and I normally orgasm from this, but again I'd just as happily leave it and watch TV. We do this maybe once a month - he isn't pushy and I lead the timing of this, but only because I've made it clear to him that I don't want him to ask me. He'll sometimes offer to eg run me a bath but no expectation of head afterwards, which is for me a good balance of suggesting but not pushing.

I think I migjt be nearing peri menopause and I've tried pushing to get some proper diagnosis / discussion around this but the specialist I saw (NHS gynae) didn't think I am peri. She said she'd put me on the pill if I wanted as a 'mini HRT' but there has been a mix up with the prescription and also I'm not convinced the pill will give me the presumably testosterone boost I need?!

It's all just such hard work, the sex, trying to get help, even getting the bloody pill!

I'm worn out and feeling despondant

Specialise also said she'd happily refer me for psychosexual counselling but this will take years I'm sure.

I have money to go privately but I don't know where to start looking

Anyone got any advice or experience of similar?

Do you find yourself attracted to other men at all?

Viddy it depends what you mean by attracted to! I find various people on TV etc good looking and 'fancy' them in some kind of abstract way. The thought of kissing them or being pressed up against them excites me, but the thought of actual sex makes me cringe and recoil.

It is so weird, I always had a pretty normal sex drive I think, but I just very rarely feel anything like randy. I miss it

Anyone else had similar? I'm feeling even worse at the prospect this isn't common and it's just me

To be honest we had a dry couple of years after second Dd, but I just took it that it meant I didn't want any more kids and it was my body's way of letting me know. And continuing the honest theme, yes I had a bit of duty sex, probably every other week... just because "what the heck, I enjoy it once we get going..." Things gradually rekindled naturally over the next few years and everything is great. It did take a while and a heap of patience on both sides though.

Loads of people will come along shortly to tell you to try the HRT / Pill / talk to your dh / it’s not normal to go off sex blah blah. But it’s actually VERY common. It happened to me. Once you’ve had all the children you want it’s often like your body just thinks well that’s done, what’s the point of that anymore… and it’s like something just shifts. I don’t know the answer to it really. It’s a case of compromising for the sake of your relationship and / or hoping that as the children become older you have a second wind of interest in it all - which does often happen as our lives become less busy and children become older and need us less.

Thanks Beyond and Bagels, something chimed about not seeing the point now we've finished having children. That felt relevant in the first couple of years definitely.
I was hoping it would come back but it hasn't, so I'm keen to find some way to encourage it to.

DH bought me a toy (I suggested he do) which is really good actually. He's perfectly happy for me to disappear off for some solo time. I think he's hoping if I orgasm enough times solo it'll kick start my motor?! Hadn't yet but I feel weird and awkward going upstairs to wank solo. If he's out for the night and I'm up to date on chores and work I will occasionally.

One thing I have found which works is adult literature, but I feel awkward again googling 'erotic literature' and don't know where to go! I had a brief stint of reading Archive Of Our Own Cormoran / Robin smut stories but I've enjoyed the good ones now and can't easily think of another topic to search for! Thanks MN for that idea BTW, I came across the concept of fan smut on another thread and it gave me the only properly hot and horny sex of the last 4 years. Would love to recreate that again.

I tried literotica a few times but all the categories are a bit extreme for me (anal, incest etc) and there were always pics of cam girls (?) on the banner of the screen and it made me feel gross.

It would reassure me to feel this is normal, but I'm not sure DH would be happy accepting a sexless future, and even though the thought of sex turns my stomach I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet either. We're only 40!