Strained relationship with father

[Mouscadoo]

Just wondering if anyone else can relate to the experience of having a very distant almost awkward relationship with a parent, in my case my father. My mother passed when I was 10, I have 4 siblings and am the second youngest (29F).

I have always felt that my dad never l really liked me as a person. The feeling is almost like i feel a sense of shame about myself as he was very critical of me. He is very outgoing and I am very introverted and socially anxious. I find it hard to cope with his criticisms so I maintained a distance from him. Over the years there has been blatant favouritism, particularly towards my younger sister who seems to be able to do no wrong. Whereas I feel I can do no right. I feel he has not been there for me emotionally when I went through some really hard times, severe bullying, depression etc.

All my other siblings have good relationships with him so it makes me wonder is it me. Some have said they just accept that he is the way he is.
I have good relationships with all my siblings, closer to some than others naturally. Just wondering if anyone can relate to having a fractured relationship with a parent like this? And if anyone has repaired the relationship?

Yes, I can relate to this.

Mine was physically and emotionally abusive, and I was never able to feel any real love for him because of the way he had treated his family behind closed doors. I moved away as soon as possible and tried to deal with the mental issues I was left with as best I could.

I suppose it was no surprise that I was never able to feel any closeness with my father, although I did feel sorry for him as his health deteriorated and he became powerless.

I think you have no other option but to keep your distance with your father because he is so critical of you. The distance is his fault, not yours, because you need to protect yourself.

Might you benefit from someone neutral to talk this through with so that you don't end up blaming yourself?

Yes I can relate to this.

My father is a very abusive man, enabled by my mother who also has strong narc traits.
I have never liked him very much, when I was a young child he worked far away and often would come home late. I remember feeling happy as 5 or 6 year old that I wouldn’t have see him that day if my mother told me he wouldn’t be home for dinner and probably not until 11. The final straw for me was ignoring my DS’s second birthday, without as much as a phone call, after I had gone NC with him for a while because he sent me a very abusive threatening email with the intend to upset me during my pregnancy and a mean sarcastic email to say ‘congratulations’ directly after DS’s birth because he was upset that I did not personally inform him of the birth, my mother told him. We got back in touch after that but didn’t speak much but I decided I am done with him after he ignored my child’s birthday.
It will be a great relief when he dies and I have already decided that I won’t attend his funeral. Some men do not deserve the title of father and you don’t owe them anything.
Sometimes LC or even NC can bring you a lot of peace.

I adore both my children but still occasionally a thought cruises my mind that I wish they were a bit more this or less that. I nip those thoughts in the bud because I know they come from me projecting my life and experiences onto them and they are not me.
I can see how someone who is not a nurturing person by nature and was raising their children alone and was not very emotionally articulate or self aware could easily allow those thoughts to take root and be felt and experienced in thought and deed by the child in question.
This is absolutely a failure of parenting and the adult in that relationship. There are all sorts of people in this world and the variety is all for the better of everyone. You are not lesser or in need of imprivement and if your father can't see this or makes you think otherwise then you absolutely should keep him at arms length. The others have not had this experience of him so their choices and perspective are not yours and you can deviate from theirs with a clear conscience